Chapter 8

BPOV

My voice was hoarse and raw, but I couldn’t stop screaming. I was well aware that it was the middle of the night and that I was probably waking the entire neighbourhood up, but I couldn’t stop. I rolled over and thrust my pillow over my head, trying to muffle the sound. I had been having these intense reactions ever since that awful day in the bookstore, and now my nightmares didn’t just end at the horrible conclusion that it had, no, I was now often stuck there, watching as the blood dripped down to the floor tiles, myself powerless to do anything to stop it.

I was running on even less sleep than I had been before, and it was taking a toll on my body. In just the one week, I had lost a fair bit of weight from not eating properly, and my eyes had such dark circles under them, it looked like someone had broken my nose. My face looked gaunt, and I felt brittle, like the smallest wind could break off a piece of me.

I hadn’t been into work since it happened, partly because I was in no real state to help customers right now, and also because I wasn’t really sure how I would act once I got there. I feared that Books and Things would become a trigger for me, and I really hoped that it wouldn’t happen. I didn’t need another one of those.

 I also hadn’t talked to Edward since, well, I was in his arms, and frankly I didn’t remember all that I said that day. Not that he hadn’t tried of course. Actually, he was a little over persistent, calling everyday, several times a day, and texting me when I didn’t answer. I knew he was worried about me, very worried probably, and judging by the last time he saw me, it was warranted. I just couldn’t pick up that phone and answer him though, I was too afraid to. I was afraid about what he thought of me, what he thought of my weakness. I had never wanted him to see me like that, and then he got a first class ticket to Bella’s crazy train. Plus I really didn’t know what to say to him even if I did call him, I was far too embarrassed. So I kept on ignoring his attempts to contact me, instead getting Rose to intercept my calls, or to let her call him herself to let him know I was okay. I really wasn’t, but did he really need to know that? He didn’t need to worry about me, it was unnecessary. My pain was my pain alone. Not his problem to bear.

I did listen to his messages. A lot. I repeated them over and over just to hear his voice in my ear. I missed him terribly, and his voice on the recording was almost as comforting as him being here with me. I could tell in the tone of his messages that he was getting more desperate to hear from me, asking me to send him any sort of sign that I was alive and breathing, and it broke my heart he was so worried about me. I might be stubborn, or I might have just been afraid of what Edward would now think of me, but I still couldn’t bring myself to speak him, even though I missed him more than anything.

I had fallen into a somewhat unthinking stupor when I heard an obnoxious banging at my door. I groaned, flinching as the light hit my eyes for the first time after having the pillow over my head, and walked slowly to the front door. For a moment I thought that Edward might had gotten fed up with calling me and decided to come here in person, but then I remembered that he didn’t actually know where I lived. I was glad and disappointed at the same time.

I opened the door and saw blonde perfection standing in front me, and I watched as she gave me the once over. Rose was immaculately dressed as per usual, but in my ratty sweats and my Forks High t-shirt, I felt even more like a gremlin next to a fairy princess.

“You look like shit, Bella.” She said, confirming my suspicions and frowning down at me.

“And hello to you to Rose,” I muttered as I let her in. She ignored me, placing two large brown bags on top on my counter. I eyed the sceptically.

“I brought you some food.” She shrugged and began to pull various things and put them away in my cupboards. “When was the last time you were out? And please don’t tell me last week.”

 I sat down at the counter meekly, and when I didn’t answer her back, she spun around to look at me. She looked concerned. I didn’t like that.

“Bella! This isn’t healthy you know, staying inside not doing anything and not talking to anyone.”

“I talk to you.” I said, looking down and trying to find patterns in the granite.

“I don’t count.” She paused, and I felt her sit down beside me. “I know what happened to you in the past must have been awful, and I can’t even imagine how you felt last week, but Bella, you can’t live like this. Maybe if you got some help…”

“No, I’m not talking to some shrink.” I turned to her. “I’m fine.” She didn’t believe me.

“Okay, I’m not. But I will be.” I admitted, and she rolled her eyes, but didn’t push the subject. I knew she probably wasn’t done talking about this at all, but she gave me space for now.

She got up again and began to make me some toast, the same that she had been trying to make me eat every day since the incident happened, but I never managed to have much more then a few bites. She placed the plate down in front of me, and I nibbled on it in order to placate her.

I heard my phone ring over in my bedroom, but I ignored it. I knew who it was. Rose looked to my room, and then back to me. I shrugged and continued to nibble. Rose sighed and went to my bedroom, coming back quickly and throwing my cell down in front of me.

“You need to talk to him.” She said with force, it was the voice she used when someone shouldn’t mess with Rosalie Hale. “Because if he calls me one more time seeing if you are okay, and asking me why you aren’t answering his calls, I will go down to Books and Things myself and throttle him.” I laughed a tiny bit at the mental image that conjured up.

“I…I don’t know what to say.” I said, turning to look down at my toast.

“Just talk to him.” Her tone was soft, and I knew my logic was stupid, but like I said, I’m stubborn.

“It’s harder then that Rose, he shouldn’t have seen me like that. It‘s embarrassing.”

“It’s not embarrassing Bella,” She said, patting my head lovingly. “It’s something you have to deal with, and yeah, it sucks, but its not embarrassing to show weakness, imperfection, or whatever you perceive this as.” Sure, she can say that, but it wasn’t Rose that was an incoherent mess that had to be carried to the car from work.

“Edward must think I’m crazy now,” I mumbled, now crushing my toast between my fingers. Rose sighed, and turned to look at me in the eye.

“I doubt that. I don’t know if you saw his face that day, but its something that will stay with me forever. It looked like Edward was watching someone burn, but he was powerless to help them. I have never seen someone look at another person like he did you.” She paused, looking thoughtfully. “I think he cares about you a lot, and I think you care about him too, or you wouldn’t be so worried about talking to him.” I got a brief flash of that day in my mind, and all I saw was Edward’s worried face as he tried to force me from my mind. It made me shudder. “He’s just worried about you, that’s all.”

“I know.” I sighed, laying my head on the counter. I knew I had to talk to him sometime. I was missing him far too much, and from what I knew about Edward’s character, he wouldn’t make fun of me, or anything like that, for  breaking down. I was just being a pussy right now because I wanted to just push everything away and not deal with it. Like I always did.

Denial is way more than river in Egypt, and I was a true expert at it.

Just then my phone went off again, but I made no motion to get it. Just because I knew I should talk to Edward, it didn’t mean I meant right now.

Yeah, I’m a coward, whatever.  

“Speak of the devil…” Rose said, picking my phone up. “Jake? Who the hell…” Rose was confused. She wouldn’t be that way for long, she would figure it out in five…four…three…

“Is this that Jacob?” She gasped. I hated that she called him that, he was never “that” anything to me. I nodded my head into the table. He had been trying to call me the past week as well, albeit, not nearly as much as Edward had, but still a decent amount of times.

“I thought he just moved back to Portland or something.”

“So did I.”

“Then why he is calling you now?” She questioned, both of us the ignoring the ring until it stopped. I lifted my head slightly to look at her. She was giving me the Rose interrogation look. I sighed.

“He’s apparently moving back to the city and he wants to ‘hang out’ .” I said, making air quotes with my fingers.

“You mean, he wants to fuck.” Rose surmised.

“Basically.” I ran my fingers through my hair, and the motion reminded me of Edward. God I missed him…

“So, what’s the problem?” She knew all my previous escapades I’ve had with men, and my total lack of commitment with any of them. My usual M.O. was sleep with a guy who was decent looking and attractive enough for a few months at best, then dumping them when they either wanted more or if they turned out to be total douche bags. Both categories were pretty full by now, I had been doing this shit since I was sixteen. It wasn’t all sex, I did actually hang out and do other stuff with my lovers than just sleep with them, but I wouldn’t go so far to ever call them my boyfriends. They were good fucks, and I had a decent time with them, but I never had any feelings for them.

It was the same with Jake, I had met him at some kegger that Rose and Jasper had brought me along to last semester, and I had been attracted to his tanned, muscular form. I had even liked his constant smile and sunny personality, before it got annoying. I had taken him home, and admittedly, the sex was great for my body. Jake knew what he was doing, but like always, my mind had felt entirely numb, and that soon gave way to me having to fake orgasms with him after awhile. I had began to pull away before he left, but he just seemed to try and  get closer. I knew he was developing an attachment to me, and a unwelcome one at that.

I had been relieved when he told me that he was going back home to take care of his dad, who was ill and needed help getting around since he was in a wheelchair. I thought it was an easy out, and me being the coward that I am, wouldn’t have to have ‘the conversation’ with him. Apparently I was wrong. I now had to deal with him on top my own shit, plus figure out how I would talk to Edward. I wanted to bang my head on the granite.

“I’m not really interested in the arrangement we had anymore.” I shrugged, feigning nonchalance. It was true, I hadn’t been interested what Jake and I had in a long time, I just hoped Rose wouldn’t pick up that there may be an other reason that I didn’t want to sleep with Jake anymore.

Maybe because you would rather sleep with someone else? Perhaps a someone that has a name that starts with “E”? Did I just entertain that thought? Ugh, thinking about sleeping with Edward is not helping my resolve. At all.

“Hmm,” Rose pondered, then looked at me with her eyebrows raised. Shit, she got me. I really needed to start lying better. “This wouldn’t be because, oh I don’t know, a certain auburn headed creature that has been incessantly calling me for the past week?

“Bronze,” I said softly.

“What?” She looked perplexed.

“His hair is bronze.” Rose looked at me oddly, then let out a soft chuckle, shaking her head.

“So I’m right.” She smiled.

“No.” I argued, stupidly. May I present you, the queen of denial!

“So you don’t want to sleep with Edward?”

“We’re just friends, Rosalie.”

“That wasn’t a no…” She smiled brightly as I rolled my eyes at her.

“Shut-up.” I told her, but she just laughed. Why did she look so joyous about this?

“Oh, Bella!” She said, pulling me into a very unexpected hug, and I felt like a wet noodle in her arms, my own hanging limply at my sides. “I have never seen you like this before! You must really like him. Oh! Does he like you? What am I saying, of course likes you! No guy that isn’t interested in someone calls them a million times in one day. I’m so excited!” Rose squealed on, and I was wondering why Rose was so excited, being a third party and all. Not that anything was going to happen.

“Hold on a sec’,” I said, extracting myself from Rosalie’s arms and getting a safe distance a way so I could be warned the next time she tried to hug me. “I never said anything. Edward and I are friends, and I have no desire to change that.” Liar.

“But,” She argued, looking like I had just took a brand new puppy away from her.

“There is no ‘but’s’ about this Rose, Edward is my friend, nothing more.” It hurt so much to say that, knowing that it was a lie. It twisted like a knife in my heart. Rose’s face grew sad, and I turned my head, trying not to look at her.

 “I know why you’re doing this.”

“Then you know why it has to be the way it is.” I said, feeling a lonely tear drop fall down my cheek.

“No, Bella. I don’t. But, I know it will work out in time.” She rubbed my shoulder in a very mother like way. “Just let him in, Bella. Even just a little bit. For his sake and yours.”

“I’ll try,” I whispered, and Rosalie gave me a small smile.

“Good.” She said before pulling me into a hug again.

This time, I hugged her back.     

****
“Bella, why don’t you try this on?” Rose said to me, holding up what I can barely describe as a dress, it had so many cut-outs and it would barely cover my ass if I tried it on. Rose had forced me out of my sweatpants and out of my apartment, stating I needed a ‘healthy dose of fresh air’ (which really, how fresh can the air get in New York?), and made me go on a shopping expedition with her. She did this only after I promised I would call Edward, though I still had yet to do that. I was putting it off, I still didn’t know what I was going to say.

She dragged me from store to store for hours, and now we were in this little boutique that Rose supposedly ‘loved’. She had tried to get me to try things on all afternoon, but I just wasn’t in the mood for it.

“Because, I’d look like a whore.” I was leaning on the side of change room, waiting for Rose to bring her mountain of clothes over so she can twirl and ask me if she looked fat in a particular outfit. I almost wanted to say yes once, just to see what she’d do. She didn’t of course, Rose had a body built like a swimsuit model, but she was seriously getting on my nerves.

“It’s sexy.” Rose argued, holding the non-dress up to her body and looking in the mirror. She could pull it off, no doubt, but I certainly can’t.

“Same difference.” I shrugged, and Rose narrowed her eyes at me, placing the non-dress into the pile clothes she was going to try on.

“Can you at least try on something? It’s kind of depressing to try on clothes all by myself.”

“I’m not really into trying clothes on right now Rose,”

“Pleaseeee,” Rose whined, and I groaned.

“Fine. I’ll try on one thing. As long as you promise you won’t drag me to anymore stores. I think I’ve gotten more then my fair share of fresh air today.”  I walked over to the racks and started to flip through the clothes quickly, not really paying attention to what I was looking at. I would pick something, try it on, and then I could leave, where I could go back to my cosy bed and curl up with some Friends DVD’s.

“Yes!” Rose cheered a little too loud for my liking. “I think you need something nice, something hot. Hmmm…” She tapped her finger to her chin, then her eyes brightened as smile came to her lips. I did not like that look. That look meant Rose had an idea, and I probably wouldn’t like said idea. “Oh, I know! We’ll get dresses and then we are going to go out on Friday, because honestly Bella, you need it.”

“What? No Rose, I don’t think I’m really up to that sort of thing.”

“Well you’re lucky that its Monday then. That means you have four days to prepare yourself.”

“But-”

“No buts. You’re coming” Rose said with determination, I would probably find so way to get out of it by Friday, so I relented, to tired to argue with her now. She nodded and went back to the racks, flipping for more dresses and outfits I would not be caught dead in, before pausing, and picking up something from the rack.

“This is perfect!” She smiled and held a dress up to my face. It was blood red, strapless, and it had a sweetheart neckline. The bodice looked like it had boning in it, and the skirt flared out a tiny bit. It was short, but not ridiculously so. It was actually really pretty.

“So, what do you think?” Rose’s eyes sparkled. I liked it, but I still wanted to be difficult. I pondered over it for a minute, and watched as Rose became anxious with me, finally sighing and grabbing the hanger from her.

“Alright, I’ll try it on. But just this one, then I can go.”

“Fine, fine. Just shut up and try it on.” She said, pushing me towards the change room.

After I got the zipper up, I made my way out of the change room, not even looking in the mirror before I did. Rose was waiting for me outside, and when she saw me, her eyes lit up. “Oh, Bella! You look so beautiful. Come here and look at yourself!” She gestured with her hands to come over to the three way mirror she was standing by, and turned me to face the mirror once I got there. I almost didn’t recognize myself. The red color brought out the auburn highlights in my hair, and it made me skin look creamy and flawless. It fit like a glove, showing off the curve of my waist, and it even boosted my lack of cleavage.

Rose started fussing with me, straitening the hem and pulling my hair into a French twist. “You have to wear this Friday.” She told me as I grabbed the price tag. I think my mouth fell open in shock.

“This is two hundred dollars. I can’t afford that.” Especially when I haven’t worked for a week.

“Ah yes, but you see my dear Bella, I spend most of my pay check here, so I have a discount.” Rose smiled delightedly at me.

“But still, it will probably still be a lot.” I didn’t know what her discount was, but unless it was at least seventy percent off, I would not be able to afford this dress.

“I’ll pay whatever you can’t. I’m probably taking most of this anyways.” She waved to her massive pile. I knew Rose came from money, but I just couldn’t wrap my head around her just willing to help pay for a dress like that for me.

“Rose, I don’t want to you to pay for this. I’ll just put it on my visa. I have barely anything charged to it so it should be okay.” I cocked my head, looking at myself. I really did like the dress. I looked…hot.

 I smirked at myself.  

Rose‘s eyes lit up like the fourth of July. “Does this mean you are coming out on Friday?”

“I guess it does.” Rosalie squeed in excitement, and after watching her try several outfits on, she settled on a black off the shoulder number that hugged her every curve of hers.  Damn Rose and her perfect body.

After paying for the dress and receiving Rose’s thirty percent store discount, which I admitted was pretty decent, we both left. I told Rose that I was going to walk home since she was going to continue shopping and I wanted the exercise, so she offered to bring my dress back since she had driven us there. We parted ways, Rose making me promise to call Edward by tonight or she would come over and force me to call him herself.

It started to rain about five minutes into my walk, and I pulled my hood up to protect my hair. The rain was comforting at least, it reminded me of Forks, how the lushness of the landscape always felt like it was protecting me from the outside world. I missed it, but not for the people. I missed how it always felt like a safe haven for me; it felt, well, like home. I had come to the city to get away from everything, but I kept finding myself more drawn to the damp and sunless days of my hometown.

Thinking of Forks led me back to the dream I had about Edward, the one where he had been waiting for me under the damp branches and leaves of the forest, glowing and magnificent. He had looked so beautiful, and so right in the confines of the meadow. I remembered the way I had felt in his arms, and how I wanted him to kiss me there; it felt like it was the natural thing to do.

I was daydreaming about Edward’s lips when I heard someone call my name, and at first I thought it was my imagination running wild; the voice sounded remarkably like him. That was before I heard it again.

“NO! BELLA!” I felt myself being wretched back, falling backwards onto the pavement, my bottom landing on the concrete and my head landing onto a very familiar chest.


EPOV

The week following Bella’s breakdown in the store, I was a complete and total mess. I had endless questions in my head about her, and I worried incessantly. It didn’t help that I didn’t hear from her at all, having to call Rosalie for information on her status. I think Rosalie was getting annoyed with me, well probably both of us actually. She became snippier with each phone call I made to her, which was a little more then necessary, and she had more then once asked me ‘why the hell Bella hadn’t called me yet.’

Truthfully, I was pretty hurt that she hadn’t called me, or fuck, even texted me or sent a damn carrier pigeon letting me know she was okay, or at least that she was alive and breathing. She had scared the shit out of me that day, I had never seen someone so broken, so out of reality, like I had with her that day. I regretted letting her go to Rosalie, telling myself things would be better if I had stayed and took care of her. It was even harder to watch her break, knowing I cared for her so much, it was like her breaking would bounce off her and wound me as well.

Now I wanted know why she was ignoring me. Rosalie had told me many times that it was probably because she wasn’t up to speaking to people yet, but my stupid brain kept pushing the idea that Bella didn’t want to talk to me specifically, and her ignoring me was her way of telling me to get the fuck out of her life. If she did that, I didn’t know what I’d do. I was very close to tracking her address down and coming to her apartment to make her talk to me.

Work had been boring since I didn’t have Bella distract me, though they did move me from the romance section and let me work on the floor, I assumed picking up what Bella would usually do. Our late night phone calls had obviously ceased, and I found myself longing for them. I missed her voice, her face, and even the way she smelled. There were nights I would lie in my bed awake, wishing I had even a picture of her.  

And before you say it, I didn’t want a picture for those ‘other’ feelings I had towards Bella. I just wanted to see her face. I missed her. Oh God, I’m becoming a blubbering mess, aren’t I?

All in all, I was having a pretty shitty week.

So now I was out wandering the rainy streets of New York on my day off, just trying to do something other then think about how much I missed her. It didn’t do much use, everywhere I looked I saw her. I tried to shake my head to dispel her from my thoughts, but I kept seeing the image of Bella crying and shaking in my arms.

I pulled at my hair and groaned, a few passer-by’s eyeing me like I was crazy as they went on their ways. Just get her out of your head Cullen, go get some heavy music from the store, and strum on your guitar. I told myself, though the last time I had played my guitar when I was this frustrated, I played until my fingers bled.

I was just hitting the street my favourite music store was on when I saw her, and I had to do a double take because I almost couldn’t believe I had found her merely by accident. I quickened my pace and called to her, but she didn’t hear me, she just kept on walking quickly ahead of me. She was now coming up to a traffic light, and I figured she would have to stop then.

I was getting close now, and I was fairly certain I could catch up with her. She continued to move forward at the same speed, not noticing the walk signal had been turned off, and she was about to step onto the street, right in front of a bus.

My brain shut off then, and I acted purely on instinct.

“NO! BELLA!” I ran as hard as I ever fucking could to reach her, grasping her the back of her sweater in my hand, and pulling her towards me from the curb, Bella falling into me just as a bus zoomed past. The force of pulling her back caused us to both fall back, and I pulled my hand from the back of her sweater to around her waist, making sure she fell mostly on me rather than the sidewalk.

“What the fuck?” I heard Bella sputter as we hit the concrete. Thankfully I inclined my head enough so I didn’t smash my head against the pavement(you seriously learn how to fall without hurting yourself when you fall as much as I do), but my ass did not, and I probably wouldn’t be able to sit down properly for the next few days. I was also thankful that her head had it my chest, rather then the sidewalk, though her head would probably leave a bruise where it hit me.

“Are you alright?” I said in a panic, looking down at her to see if any thing on her looked mangled or broken.

“Edward?” She said looking back at me confused. “What the hell are you doing here? And why the are we on the ground?”

“Answer me Bella, are you hurt anywhere? Does your neck hurt? Or your back?” I don’t know how falling on me had impacted her fall at all, and learning some things from my dad, a spinal injury could very well be possible from a fall like this.

“Shh, I’m fine, you seemed to have broken my fall.” She said, trying to get up but unable to since I had one of my arms protectively around her. I loosened my grasp and let her slide up, getting up myself before helping her up as well. “Are you okay?” She asked me, wiping the dirt off her backside.

“I’m fine.” I didn’t injure myself in the fall badly, my tail bone was probably a bit bruised, but nothing unmanageable. Now that I was up and had assessed that Bella was indeed uninjured, I could feel the anger build up in myself. How could she so carelessly do that? She could have been killed! I felt a spike of pain in my heart, I couldn’t even think what I’d do if I lost her like that. Sure she could reject me one day, but I could live with that. If I lost her forever, never again to see her beautiful intelligent eyes, or the blush of her skin. To never again hear her sarcastic wit, or her magnificent giggle, it would be positively excruciating. I don’t know if I would be able to survive that.

Looking at her now, I could see that Bella hadn’t been alright this past week. For as long as I knew her, Bella always had slight circles under her eyes, but now they were dark and bruise like; she mustn’t have slept properly in days. Her face was drawn and she looked more pale then usual. She was of course still incredibly beautiful, but I could tell that she was not well.

“What the hell were you thinking Bella?” I snapped, my emotions mixed in both pain and anger.

“What?” She looked confused again. “It’s not my fault you pulled me to the ground.”

“Oh, so you would have rather been squished by a city bus then? Jesus Bella, are you trying to kill yourself?” Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. She snapped it shut seconds later and her eyes became full of fire, her fists clenching at her sides. She looked pissed.

“I was NOT trying to kill myself. I was just day dreaming and didn’t see that the fucking light had changed, okay?” She had tears in her eyes but she kept them focused on me. My anger dissipated, I felt horrible for making her feel bad.

Jesus, Cullen. Good job. Her tear filled stare was unnerving me, and I looked away, biting my lip and running my hand through the my hair yet again. We remained in silence until I heard Bella sigh and come towards me.  She put her hand to my cheek to make me look at her, and I saw that her anger had dissipated, and all I could see is remorse and awe.  

Feeling her touch again was beautiful, and the hell that had been my past week melted away. Everything was right now that she was beside me.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you, It’s not you I’m mad at.” She was looking up at me from under her lashes,  the rain fall more heavily down around us, and it started to saturate my hair and clothes.

I could care less.

“You’re not?” I felt my breath quicken and I licked my lips. I couldn’t help myself, she hadn’t been this close to me since that dreadful day, and every fibre of my being was vibrating from the electricity of her touch.

She smiled lightly and shook her head. “You just saved my life, how could I ever be mad at you?”

“Then why-?”

“It doesn’t matter.” She murmured, her eyes on me. She moved up onto her toes, and she pulled my face down to hers, our foreheads touching, and her lips close to mine.

“It doesn’t matter.” She repeated, and I couldn’t remember what I was asking. She let out one more tentative breath, and closed the distance between us.

That’s when the world caught on fire.