Chapter 13

EPOV
  
I never knew before how much it could hurt to have someone you love run away from you. Watching Bella leave without being able to stop her, for to her to fear me, speared me like a knife in the heart. She was scared, I knew that, but why? The mystery behind her shifting moods was becoming ever more present. I needed to understand the mystery.  It wasn't merely curiosity.   I thought that maybe if I could figure out why she ran, why she feared anything serious about us, I could move her closer to the idea of us.

There had to be more behind the horrible physical abuse she encountered. I saw the gut-wrenching physical evidence last night on her back (I didn't even want to think about the possibility of her having more scars elsewhere because of that bastard), but what about the mental impact? That was something I couldn't see easily see or figure out. What else tormented her in her mind?

After one more look down the now empty hallway, I slammed the door and ran my hands through my hair in frustration. I didn't really know what to do. I could have run after her, but I was so surprised I could barely move, and there was no hope I would find her if I went after her now. I didn't even know where she lived, so it was not like I could guess what route she took. I could call Bella, but since she had ignored me the past week after her breakdown, she would probably ignore my calls now.

Still... My eyes wandered over to my phone that was abandoned on the kitchen counter. It couldn't hurt to try. I walked over and grabbed it, finding Bella's number easily in my contact list.

OK, who am I kidding. I memorized it already.

I stared at her name in my phone, trying to figure out what to say if she actually did pick up. I wasn't having much luck after about five minutes of staring at my phone, and just as I was about to shove my phone into my pocket and go wallow in my own self pity, when I felt my phone vibrate in my hand. I froze, thinking that fate had finally dealt me a good card, but frowned once the caller display showed me it was only Garrett. 

“Hello?” I answered half heartedly.

“Whoa, who died?” Garrett chuckled. Apparently I sounded more depressed than I had thought.

“You know one of these days that might actually be true, and who will feel like the ass then?”

“I'll cross that bridge when I come to it,” he said with a laugh. I rolled my eyes. “But, seriously dude, you sound like someone ran over your grandmother. What's up?”

I sighed into the phone. I really didn't want to talk about this with Garrett. “It's nothing.”

“It's not about that chick is it? You really are a girl sometimes, you know that Cullen?”  I was now kicking myself for ever telling Garrett and Ben about Bella. After her breakdown and simultaneous disappearance from my life for the past week, I had mistakenly vented my frustration to my two best friends. They didn't understand why I had been going to so much trouble with Bella, especially since we we're supposedly just friends. Garrett had bugged me since then about being a girl, but Ben had been a little more supportive, and by supportive I mean he told me “That's sucks man.” I think I need to find new friends.

“Shut-up Thompson” I snapped, not in the mood for him to be busting my balls again over this.

“Chill, dude. I’ve just never seen you so hung up about a girl before.  Especially one you're not even banging. You weren't even this annoying when you found out Tanya cheated on your ass.”  It was true, Tanya had treated me like shit, but I don't remember waiting for her to call like I did with Bella. Maybe I have just gotten more desperate. I frowned, that wasn't a pleasant thought.

“Is that all you ever think about?,” I ignored the Tanya jab.  Trying to have an intelligent conversation about women with Garrett was like trying to teach a cow to play chess, futile.

“Is this a trick question?”

“Har-har.”

“You really care about this girl Ella, don't you?”

“Bella,” I wanted to hit him. Too bad being on the phone hindered that ability.

“Whatever, Bella. You didn't answer my question.”

I sighed. “I do. A lot.”

“That sucks man.”

“Thanks so much for the support,”

“Aw man, you know what I mean. Being crazy about a girl but not being able to have her, must be driving you nuts.”

“That's an understatement.”

“Hey dude, why don't we call Cheney up and we'll throw back a few beers at O'Reileys? That would cheer you up.”

“It's 11 AM.” I pointed out.

“So? It’s 5 o'clock somewhere.”

I considered saying no, but what else would I be doing if I didn't? I would probably be just sitting on my couch thinking about calling Bella and waiting for her to call me, and that sounded incredibly pathetic.

“Fine, call Cheney. I'll meet you guys there in an hour.”


 After several hours and more than several beers, I tried to just shoot the shit with the guys, but me being drunk just got me bouncing between being pissed and being lonely.   The guys thought I was crazy, which was probably true by now. 

After trying to get me to talk about anything else but Bella and failing miserably, they dragged my ass back to my apartment, where I unceremoniously passed out on my bed, waking up a few hours later, more than parched and still quite drunk.

I stumbled over to get some water in the darkness, nearly falling twice over my own feet. I felt better after downing a couple glasses of water, my head feeling slightly less fuzzy. I picked my phone out of my pocket, seeing if I had any missed calls or texts, but nada, zilch.

Before even looking at what time it was, I called Bella's cell, not even knowing what I would say if she picked up. “Hey Bella. I drank myself into oblivion because of you today. Oh, and BTW, I'm hopelessly in love with you,” Keep it cool Cullen. No one likes a clinger.

I didn't have to worry because, of course, it went sent straight to voicemail. I didn't even bother to leave a message. I tried to calm myself down after, but I was getting more antsy and fidgety. I needed to see her. To talk to her. To kiss her perfect, red lips... but I didn't know where she lived.

That's when the creeper in me came out. I searched Bella's name and number in the database, and since Isabella Swan was quite an uncommon name, there was only one search result. God bless the person who created white pages. I scribbled the address down on my hand, threw on some sneakers, and practically bolted out the door.

Bella didn't live too far from me, only a short subway ride away, and thankfully there weren’t many people on the train, or they would have mistaken me as a crack head or something with the way I was fidgeting so much. I couldn't help it, my body felt like it was filled with electricity,  and with every moment that I got closer to Bella, the more my body seemed to become a live wire. I needed her, and I was addicted to her. That's the only way to describe my need and want for her. The train could not go fast enough, and as soon as the door opened, I nearly tackled some kid pushing my way out and running out Bella's apartment.

I don't know how I did it, especially since I was semi-drunk and even when I'm sober I'm still one of the clumsiest people in the world, but I made it to the address I had written down in pretty good time,  unscathed too. I gave myself a mental high five. Bella lived on the 5th floor, and it was only a walk up, so I dashed up the stairs, out of breath once I made it to her floor. Once I had caught my breath again, I looked at my hand again for the apartment number, and it looked like a 10B written there, but it had become smudged after my palms had gotten sweaty from my run. I walked to 10B and raised my hand to knock, but I couldn't. I was frozen with my fist hovering over the wood. I was panicking.

I wanted to see her. Fuck, my whole body ached for it.  But what was I doing? I didn't even know what time it was and I was going to bang on her door? I still didn't even know what I wanted to say to her, I just knew I needed to see her.

 I was just lowering my fist from the door when I heard a noise in the apartment. It was muffled, so I couldn't tell what it was.

“Bella?” I called out and knocked, thinking and hoping she was awake so I wasn't bothering her. I got no response. I was about to knock again when I heard the most blood curdling scream I have ever heard in my life, and it came from within Bella's apartment.

A million different scenarios went through my head in those mere seconds. All of them making me panic. “BELLA!” I yelled and banged on her door. I heard another scream and I nearly lost it. Was someone in there? Was someone hurting her? I tried the handle but it was locked. My panic spreading further.

I wasn't even thinking straight as I started to bang into the door with my shoulder in order to get it in.

Logic wasn't with me as I threw myself into it several times until I busted it open, noticing minutely that she didn't have the deadbolt locked.

 Now if there was some intruder in there, the smart thing to have done was to find some weapon that could be of use , a kitchen knife or a bat. But I wasn't thinking properly, so I grabbed a semi-heavy lamp, hoping that I could at least bash an attacker’s head in with it.

 Bella screamed again once I was inside, and I booked it, trying to find where the noise was coming from. I found her room and threw the door open, lamp raised and ready. My eyes scanned the room quickly, but I found nothing and no one other than Bella in her room. She was curled up into a ball in the middle of her bed, and in the light streaming in from the street lamps outside, I could see that she had her hands clasped around a pillow, her face contorted in pain. I put the lamp down,  pretty sure that there was no attacker in there and I let out a sigh of relief.

I didn't really know what to do then, I had just broken down her door thinking she was being murdered, but there was nothing. She seemed deep asleep since she obviously didn't even hear me burst in. As I was watching her, she let out a strangled moan, and I felt my own face contort into pain, my heart wrenching. She was dreaming about something, and it was bad.

I ran to her side and tried to shake her awake. “Bella!” I said much softer than I had earlier. I was trying not to scare her. Though I was vaguely aware of the fact that me just being in her room in the middle of the night would scare the fuck out of her. The shaking didn't do it, and she started moaning in pain again, so I framed her face with my hands, my face close to hers.

“Wake up, Bella. It’s only a nightmare baby. It's alright.” I let my breath fan over her face, and she took a sharp intake of breath, sounding like someone who had been drowning but had finally found some air. Bella's eyes fluttered open, and I couldn't help the smile that came to my face when I saw  her beautiful brown eyes again. She looked at me unfocused, like she was trying to decipher the image in front of her, and I watched as they focused again, her eyes showing confusion.
Well at least she didn't seem freaked out about me busting into her apartment. Yet.

 My hands were still framing her face, my face only inches away from hers. My breathing became irregular, and it may have been way too inappropriate right then, but all I wanted to do in that moment was kiss her. She was my fucking drug.

Bella was still looking at me with confusion, and she raised her hands slowly to my face, placing her hands exactly the same place on my face that I had on hers. Light as a feather, her hands drifted up, feeling the contours of my face and running her fingers through my hair. She caressed my cheeks and we were still, staring into each other’s eyes.

“You're really here,” she said softly, though her voice was hoarse from screaming. Tears looked like they threatened to escape her eyes at any moment. I gulped, my throat feeling thick all of the sudden. I nodded.

“You're here,” she repeated, her eyes brimming over with tears.

“I'm not going anywhere,” I said reverently before pulling her face to mine. Our kiss was a slow burn, and I moved my body and rolled us so I was hovering over her. Bella tugged at my hair and pulled me closer, her tongue massaging mine as I fisted her shirt. I could feel myself growing hard, and I was pretty sure that Bella could feel it too, as we were practically plastered together, but neither of us said  a thing.

I felt Bella move her hands down my back to the hem of my shirt, pulling it up my body so she could take it off me. I broke our kiss only to help her take it off, and almost smirked when I saw Bella's eyes roam my body. I attacked her mouth again and I felt her groan, which spurred me on. I let my hands feel her body, the curve of her breasts, the delicate nature of her waist, and traced my finger along her hip bone. At my touch Bella grew more frenzied in her kisses, her pelvis meeting mine for any sort of friction. I knew we shouldn't be doing this right now, but I couldn't find it in me to care at the moment.

Bella broke off for air and I began to nibble at her neck, noticing how it flushed and how she was panting for air. My hands were playing with the flimsy straps of her tank top, assaulting her neck and chest with kisses when I barely heard her whisper.

“What did you say?” I looked up from Bella's neck to find her looking straight at me and biting her lip.

“I said, I want you to take my top off.” She blushed, but looked sure of herself.

You are probably thinking that I told her no, or maybe that I hesitated . I probably should have, we were moving way too fast, and truth be told, we should probably not be making out and dry humping after I had broken into her apartment for the nonexistent attacker, but I couldn't find it in me to care. Maybe it was the alcohol that was still in my system, or it could have been the adrenaline that had coursed through my veins before finding Bella safe in her bed. I would like to think it was just the sheer need I felt for her, the need that seemed to be echoing strongly in Bella right now.

With one more look at Bella's eyes, I swiftly pulled her tank top off, her bare breasts exposed to me. I took a long moment to just drink her in, taking in her perfect form. Her breasts, in a couple words, were fucking fantastic. I cupped them with my hands, loving the way they fit perfectly in my palms. Not too big and not too small. Just. Fucking. Perfect. 

Bella was watching me, one eyebrow arched in my direction.

“What?” My own eyebrows arching in response.

“See something you like, Cullen?” She bit her lip, not in nervousness this time, but being coy. Fucking hell, if that didn't make me even harder.

“Hmm, like?” I brought my lips back down to her neck, alternating between skimming my nose down her throat and leaving kisses there. “No, not like,” I said, nipping and biting her collarbone.  I moved my head down, bringing my tongue to her pert nipple, and teasing her once. I felt her shiver underneath me and her breath exhale sharply. Hmm, interesting. I licked her nipple again and I felt her squirm underneath me, her back arching off the bed.

“Fuck! Edward!” She cried, and I smiled once before taking her sensitive point in my mouth, sucking lightly. I was surprised that when I did, Bella let out a throaty moan that would put some porn stars to shame. It was hot. I released my mouth from her nipple, trying to hold myself together.

“Jesus Christ, Bella!  You'll be the death of me, I swear.” I tried to sound pissed, but it just came out a barely teasing tone.

“Me? How about you? I thought I was going to c--” Bella cut herself off and her face reddened. Wait. She wasn't going to say what I think she was going to say, was she?

“You weren't...”

“Uh...” The color on her face deepened and she looked away from my eyes.

“Close?” Her eyes darted back to mine, and she looked like she was debating something. I don't know what she saw in my face, but it decided whatever it was for her,  and I watched as her eyes became a molten brown; melting my very core.

“So close.”

“Fuck!” I cursed out, attacking her nipple once more with my mouth, using my other hand to palm at the other. Couldn't let one get all the attention. Bella arched into my mouth, grabbing my hair as I nibbled and sucked.

She let out a few unabashed moans that only spurred me on. Minutes later, I switched to her other side, and with a few turns at that one, I felt Bella shudder underneath me, crying out.

I let go of her nipple and kissed her hard. Not because I was worried about the noises she was making, her neighbours had obviously not noticed anything when she was screaming  earlier, but in that moment I needed to feel her mouth on mine. To feel how it felt as she came. She kissed me hard, dragging her nails down my back, causing me to shiver and push myself harder onto her. Bella moved her hands to my jeans, not even hesitating to undo the top button of my pants. I should be stopping her, but I didn't want to.  Lust had taken over me. No room for the gentleman tonight.

Bella's hand stilled on my zipper, and I swear she could have been reading my mind in that moment.

“We should probably stop, shouldn't we?” She asked, coming up for air from our frantic kissing. I think I mumbled something close to “no”, kissing her again while feeling the silky strands of her hair between my fingers. Bella moaned and gave in for a moment, but all too soon she was breaking off again. For fuck sakes...

“Edward. Stop.” She said it with such force that I thought I was doing something that was hurting her, and I stiffened above her. “Hey, look at me,” Bella said softly, and I did look, her face soft and caring.

“What's wrong?” My brow furrowed in confusion.

“Nothing’s wrong Edward. My god, is it ever not wrong.” She smiled, her face flushing crimson once again.

“Then, what is it?” I asked. I think at this point the blood had left my brain long ago. Bella sighed and put her hands in my hair, watching her fingers as they played with what was probably a chaotic mess on my head.

“You don't want to do this.”

I scoffed. “On the contrary, I think you can very much feel how much I want to do this.” Bella rolled her eyes.

“That's not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“I mean that this isn't the way you want to do this.”

“And how do you know that?” I can't help myself, deep down I am like every other horny male. Just wanting to get laid.

“Edward, I know you. You would hate yourself afterwards. No matter how much you want me now.”

“And why would I hate myself?” I really didn't get it. I wanted Bella, I was attracted to her and I loved her, what more could make this anymore right? But then it hit me, all of that should make me stop, because if I loved Bella, I would do this with her the right way. Not when I was still half drunk, not to mention a home invader. And especially not while we still haven't really talked about “us” and what happened this morning. I felt my face fall.

“Edward,” Bella grabbed my face, her small hands holding my face with surprising strength. “I know you want to do this right...and so do I.” That surprised me, Bella had earlier been the one to push for us to move faster, but now she wanted to go slow? What had changed?

“So you want to take this slow?” I asked. Bella smiled.

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

I am not going to lie, the horny 21 year old male in me was disappointed, but the way Bella looking at me and holding my face, I couldn't be mad. I smiled back at her.

“Okay then,” I said rolling off of her and onto the bed beside her. I was silent beside her as I tried to calm the fire that was inside me, trying once again to conjure images of Grandma Cullen.

“Edward?” Bella asked, breaking the silence. I turned to look at her, and she was on her side, gazing at me.

“Bella?” I answered, and I saw something in Bella's eyes then, but it moved too quick for me to name the emotion behind it.

“Will you stay? I mean with me... tonight?” she asked tentatively.  Her gaze shifted away from me and she began to fiddle with edge of a pillow. I almost laughed out loud. Here she was bare breasted in front of me, but she was nervous about asking me to stay? It was odd and adorable at the same time.

“Of course.” I smiled. I don't know what I would have done if she asked me to leave. I don't think I could if I wanted to. Bella looked up at me and she smiled back before quickly burying into my chest. It felt so good to hold her there, to keep her in my arms. She was warm and beautiful and perfect. I let myself breathe in the smell of her hair, the scent and the feeling of Bella's body wrapped in mine making me feel more content than I could ever remember.

I was almost asleep and I thought Bella was, when I heard her speak softly.

“Edward?”

“Hmm?” I hummed, I was teetering on unconsciousness at this point.

“Thank you.” I looked down at Bella and tilted her head towards mine with my fingers so I could look at her.

“For what?” Bella's eyes were sleepy, but in them I saw tears. One fell and I trapped it with my thumb, wiping it away.

“For you,” she said quietly before she brought her lips softly to mine once more.