Chapter 12

BPOV

“Bella?” Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Jacob.”

“You’re alive!” Jacob said with a chuckle on the other end of the line. I rolled my eyes.

“That I am.” I mumbled unenthusiastically. I did not want to have to deal with Jacob right now. I was cursing myself for not looking at the damn call display before picking it up. “Why are you calling so late?” I whispered into the phone, hoping not to wake Edward.

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for days, and I was worried something bad had happened to you or something! Besides, it’s only 11:30, I figured you’d be still be up.” Normally he would be right, but he had just ruined the first nightmare free sleep I’ve had in a while, so to say I was annoyed would be putting it lightly.

“I’ve been busy, Jake.”

“Oh, well I’m glad you’re okay.” He seemed taken aback by my tone, but really, what was with this misplaced worry about me? Jake and I just had a fling, he knew that. At least, I thought he did. Good  job in hooking up with a stage 5 clinger. Unfortunately, he regained his enthusiasm quickly.

“Listen Bella, the reason I’ve been trying to get a hold of you is that I wanted to let you know that I’m back in town…and that I was hoping I could see you. Soon.”  Gah, he sounded so hopeful. I am not good at this type of thing. Unfortunately not gifted with the ability of tact in these situations.

“Jake, I…” I started, but tried to find the right words. I couldn’t do this now. I was tired, cranky, and had a very attractive man laying on me at the moment. Not really the right time to tell someone you are not interested in them anymore. “Can we talk about this later?  I’m kind of…busy at the moment.”

“Okay…”

“Call you sometime this week.” I spoke quickly before hanging up, not even bothering to wait for his reply. I turned my phone off and sighed, everything was coming up fucking roses in my life, wasn’t it?

I looked down at Edward, hoping the conversation hadn’t woken him. That would be a very awkward conversation I didn’t want to have.  However when I did look, he was still sleeping, even snoring lightly. It wasn’t annoying at all, like most guys snoring. His was soothing, steady as a heart beat and actually quite adorable.

I let my fingers pull lightly through his hair again, entranced by its soft texture, and the stress from Jacob’s phone call melted away within seconds.

I had essentially been petting Edward’s head for what felt like an hour, when I felt Edward move around me. I stilled my hand as I felt him circle his arms around my waist, and just before I felt him nuzzle his nose into my hip. I heard a softly spoken “Bella”, a smile coming to his lips.

My breath caught in my throat as my heart began to hammer so loud I was afraid he could hear it. What I had dreamt about came flooding back to me with incredible power. I recalled every moment we had together, from the first day I had met him, to this very moment, and I saw it. I saw everything. Every touch, word, look, and action had all been leading up to this point.

Edward and I were never meant to be friends. The incredible pull we had toward each other should have been the first clue. I stupidly ignored it.

What I couldn’t ignore was how he made me feel, how I felt lost when he wasn’t there, and how he made me feel alive and made me feel in ways I didn’t think I was capable of anymore.

I loved him. I fucking loved him. I had never before believed in fate, or any of that destiny crap, but now? Could I deny that something stronger than myself brought Edward and I together? I didn’t think I could anymore. It was all too magical to simply be by accident. He was the only one that could bring me back out of my nightmares, and he had repeatedly saved me from myself. Every kiss and touch felt right, like we were created to do exactly that. I was empty without him, not entirely whole, this past week being a perfect example of that.

In the way Edward had touched me earlier, and the way he kissed every one of my scars, like he was cherishing me. I had known Edward had feelings that were more than friendly for me, but could he love me too? I didn’t know if that scared me more than my own love for him. I could protect him from myself if it was one sided, but if he loved me? It would be that much more difficult to prevent us from getting in too deep.

 Don’t you see? You’re already there.

 Fuck. My. Life.

I tried to think rationally about all this, but being me, that was harder said then done. The rational thing would be just to give in and be with Edward. I was pretty sure he wanted it, and I sure as fuck did.

But I couldn’t be that selfish, because I knew how much he would give of himself to me. He was a good person, the most generous, strong, and kind person I knew, and being with someone like me could only bring him down. I had already seen the impact of my breakdown on him, how he was worried about me. I didn’t want to break him even more. I couldn’t bear watching him try to fix me.  I was beyond fixing.  He deserved more.  So much more.

How I wished I could be the right one for Edward. That I could be whole for him, not broken or screwed up. It hurt so much I couldn’t be that for him. I loved him, I knew that now, and I would do my best to protect him, even from myself.

The problem was, I had no idea how I could do that. Sure, I could cut him out of my life, but even the thought was too painful. Besides, Edward would be hurt in that situation as well, and that’s exactly what I was trying to stop.

My mind was running in circles as I stared up at Edward’s ceiling, he was luckily sleeping like a baby, his arms wrapped securely around my body. Lucky bastard.

Just give in.

I wanted to. So badly.

You love him.

I know.

My thoughts bounced around my head for a long time after that, coming up with numerous scenarios, and they all ended with at least one of us getting hurt. Because that’s what happens when people got close to me.

I guess “normal” people would ask why I couldn’t just imagine everything being a fairytale ending to my life, and why I refused to even acknowledge a positive outcome. But I’m not normal. My life has never been normal, as much as I have tried, I’ll never be normal. My nightmares and scars are only the beginning. I don’t get happy endings. I get ghosts and demons that haunt me in my sleep, horrible memories that plague my thoughts during the day. My childhood is so screwed up, not even an Oprah special would want to touch it. To bring Edward into my nightmarish existence because he made me feel good and loved, would be selfish. I would inevitably poison his goodness.

How could I deal with loving Edward but doing nothing about it? He himself told me I was a bad liar, so would I be able to hide the fact that I was in love with him? That I would give anything to be what he wanted me to be? Would he want a Bella who didn’t have scars on her body? A Bella that wasn’t broken? It would be almost impossible to do, he could read me so well.

I went back to running my hands through Edward’s soft bronze hair, the repetitive movement bringing me comfort and calm. My thoughts began to slow down, my eyes becoming heavy again. Without all the chaotic thoughts going on in my brain, my mind became free to think of good things. The warmth of Edward’s arms wrapped around me. His intoxicating scent.  His soft lips against mine, and his tongue mingling with mine in just the perfect way. How could something that perfect be wrong?

As I drifted off to sleep, my hands still Edward’s hair, the meadow came back to my memory. Edward and I laying next to each other, both staring and unspeaking, in awe of each other’s company.

It was the meadow that broke my resolve.

****

Light. It’s too bright. I roll over to hide from the light. That’s better.

 I try to go back to where I was before, but my senses are waking up. I hear a small crackling sound. What is it? I smell the air, the smell of bacon assaulting my senses along with something else. It’s familiar…

That’s when it hits me.

I force my eyes open, which is really no use since I buried my head in a cushion only moments ago, and all I see is the ugly brown velvet of the couch. I roll over and bolt upright, causing my head to spin from the head rush.

“Whoa. Too fast.” I try to focus, and I hear Edward chuckle from the kitchen. I look towards him and almost have another head rush. His hair is wet, indicating that he must have just come out of the shower, but what stops my brain from working is that he is wearing a white wife beater that leaves his perfectly sculpted arms all out in the open. Don’t even get me started on his back. I think I might be drooling.

Edward turns around at my words and of course notices my stare.

“See something you like?” he asks, that smug grin breaking out on his face.

“Yeah, I really love bacon.” Ha. Take that Edward. Two can play at this game.

“You do huh?” He arches his eyebrow inquisitively at me. “Hmm.” His eyes become hooded and I watch as he licks his lips, forcing me to bite my lip to stop myself from moaning. He walks over to me with a plate in hand, and I notice then that he has made me a full breakfast, eggs, toast, bacon, the works.

I figure he is going to hand me the plate, but when he sits down beside me he keeps it in his lap. Is he going to just make breakfast for himself and make me watch as he eats it ? Bastard.

“So, bacon.” He looks at me with a slight smile, and I am confused about where the fuck he is going with this. I swear to God if he makes some “I must like meat in my mouth” joke I am going to punch him in the junk. And steal his breakfast.

He chuckles slightly before picking up a piece of bacon, and holds it in front of my mouth. There is fire in his eyes as he licks his lips again, and I get what he is doing now, and it had very little to do with bacon. I open my mouth for it, playing the game just as much as he is right now, and wrap my lips around the meat. It’s been perfectly cooked, and it’s so good, I lick my lips afterwards.

There is a crash and suddenly his warm lips on mine, hungry and frantic. Our faces smash together and there is the faint taste of mint on his breath mixed with coffee. I nibble on his lip, and hear Edward groan, his hands grasping me everywhere. I lay back down as he hovers over me, and wrap my legs around him so I can pull him closer, feeling his body on mine. I expect him to push away, like the last time, but he doesn’t, and I can feel him grind himself into me.

This time I don’t stifle the moan.

“Bella,” he moans back.  He’s breathless, and so am I. My hands come to his back, pulling him impossibly closer and feeling those magnificent back muscles through the thin cotton of his shirt.

His hands are in my hair, on my face, and then skimming along my ribs, his lips eager and hot. So hot.

This time, my stomach is the cock blocker. It grumbles loudly and I feel my face become flushed. Edward pulls away chuckling. I frown, I do not want him to pull away, I want him back in my arms and in between my legs. Damn my loud stomach!

“Ahh,” Edward mumbles, rubbing his face. “Sorry about that.”

“You should be, teasing me like that should be illegal.” He stops rubbing his face and looks at me inquisitively before cracking a smile.

“I meant attacking you like that,” he says, laughing lightly. “I should control myself better, not be so…. animalistic.”  Oh, on the contrary, I really like it when he’s being animalistic. He’s the predator and I’m the prey?  Yeah, that works.  Rawr.

My whole internal debate from last night has clearly gone out the window, making it perfectly clear to me that I’m pretty fucking dazzled by a certain Mr. Edward Cullen. One touch of his lips and I am putty in his capable hands.

“It’s just really hard to control myself when I’m around you.  It’s like you’re a drug to me.” he mumbles, his eyes trained on mine like a hawk. I gulp and feel my skin get hot. He’s better at this than I thought.

“Sorry?” I say, still so dazzled by his eyes I must sound like a bumbling fool. Edward flashes his crooked smile, causing my head to spin once again, and musses my hair  before he gets up. I watch him as he frowns down at the scrambled eggs and bacon on the floor, sighing before he kneels down to clean it up.

“There is a plate keeping warm in the oven if you want to grab some food while I clean this up.”

“I can help you if you want.” I feel bad to be eating while he is cleaning a mess I am partially responsible for. Edward sighs exasperatedly.

“Eat, this is fine.” He waves his hand over the mess. “It’s my fault anyways, since I tried to seduce you with pork products.”

“It worked didn’t it?”

“Touche.” He laughs and I grab the food. I am actually pretty hungry, and breakfast smells delicious. I settle back down on the couch as he finishes cleaning up, totally ogling his ass as he is bent over. Thankfully, he doesn’t notice that. No need to add fuel to that fire.

The breakfast is as good as it smelled, and I’m in awe of how well Edward can cook. Most guys I know can barely boil water without almost burning the house down.  Is there anything he doesn’t do well?  Don’t answer that.

“Where did you learn to cook so well?” I ask with a glob full of eggs in my mouth. Good job Bella, very attractive.

Edward shrugs before sitting back down, stealing a piece of my toast at the same time. Normally I would protest, but I am sort of the reason his landed on the floor.

“I dunno, practiced I guess. Besides, it’s just scrambled eggs. Not exactly rocket science.”

“You have clearly not been to been to the fine establishment of Fork’s one and only diner. Worst. Eggs. Ever.” I laugh. Edward chuckles with me, but there is an edge to it, and I know immediately that there is something else on his mind. His eyes get that distant look when he’s thinking too much.

“What’s up Cullen?” I ask as I set down my plate on the coffee table. “And don’t you dare tell me that it’s ‘nothing’.”

“How do you know that?” He’s avoiding the answer. I frown.

“I can tell by your face. You’re incredibly easy to read.”

“I pay attention,” I shrug, but blush at the same time. Edward’s hand comes to my face, brushing the hair off it before tucking it behind my ear. “Your blush is beautiful.” His voice is soft, like velvet, and my heart beats hard in my chest, the heat in my cheeks getting warmer. This kind of stuff made me more nervous than anything physical we did. The physical stuff was easy. Kissing him was easy. But these emotions, the way his eyes bore into mine as if he was trying to read my soul, and the way I felt the care in his touch, that was harder. Because even though I knew I loved him, it didn’t mean I was ready to feel all that. It was too much.

He was still staring into my eyes, reading my face and searching for something. It was all becoming too much. I needed to go. Now.  
“I have to go,” I almost yelped, bolting off the couch. Edward’s eyes were wide, surprised, his hands losing their hold on my face. I started grabbing up my things, rushing towards the door.

“Wait!” Edward yelled, coming out of his surprised stupor. I was having trouble with the damn dead bolt, my hands fumbling nervously. Come on!

Finally I unlocked it, but my fumbling had slowed me down, and Edward’s hand shot to the door hard, stopping it from opening any more than an inch. I flinched.

“Where are you going?” His voice had lost the calm that it had earlier, and his face was angry now. I didn’t like it. It reminded me of much harder things that I couldn’t think about right now. Now was not the time to breakdown again.

“Home. I have errands to run and things to do before I have to go back to work tomorrow,” I said, my voice devoid of any emotion. His face softened, but he still looked perplexed.

“Bella, I really think we should talk about what happened---”

“---Not now, Edward. I need to go.” I interrupted, not wanting to hear what I knew he was going to say. His eyes searched mine, looking for something, and I had no idea what for, but whatever he found made him remove his hand from the door, his eyes growing sad. Hurt. My heart lurched. See? I was already hurting him. I didn’t want to hurt him.

Tears pricked in my eyes, and I had to get out of there now before the waterworks started, all the things that had happened to me in the past twenty-four hours were coming to a head, and I was so close to breaking. Edward could not see that side of me again.

I’m so sorry Edward. I wanted to say that out loud, but I couldn’t, only telling him I’d see him at work before bolting out the door without looking back. For all I knew, Edward was still stuck at the door, where I had hurt him.

 I continued to run, running from his building, and even bypassing the subway as I ran through the busy streets of the city. I ran until my lungs were ready to burst and my skin was slick with sweat, but I kept going, running until I was safely in my apartment, where I finally stopped. There, I collapsed on my kitchen floor, letting my emotions take over my body. I made wretched noises, and sobbed for hours. If my neighbors didn’t already think I was insane, they did now. They probably just put earplugs in and ignored me. That’s one thing I learned about this city. People didn’t care.

I stayed on the floor until darkness took over my apartment, mentally hurting and my limbs becoming stiff from being curled up in the same position for hours on end. Eventually I dragged myself off my floor and took a shower, and I stood there until the hot water was drained and my body was numb.

It wasn’t until later, when I was in my bed, praying for sleep even if I had one of my nightmares, that I remembered something.

As I ran from Edward’s apartment, he said something before I left. I didn’t pay attention at the time of my hysterics, and I don’t even think he fully intended for me to hear it either. But now I distinctly remembered, the words cutting at me because I knew I had hurt him, the pain in his voice clearly evident as he said those four words, causing another wave of hysterics.

All I could see was his face, full of pain, and his voice as he said, “Stop running away Bella.”