Chapter 13

EPOV
  
I never knew before how much it could hurt to have someone you love run away from you. Watching Bella leave without being able to stop her, for to her to fear me, speared me like a knife in the heart. She was scared, I knew that, but why? The mystery behind her shifting moods was becoming ever more present. I needed to understand the mystery.  It wasn't merely curiosity.   I thought that maybe if I could figure out why she ran, why she feared anything serious about us, I could move her closer to the idea of us.

There had to be more behind the horrible physical abuse she encountered. I saw the gut-wrenching physical evidence last night on her back (I didn't even want to think about the possibility of her having more scars elsewhere because of that bastard), but what about the mental impact? That was something I couldn't see easily see or figure out. What else tormented her in her mind?

After one more look down the now empty hallway, I slammed the door and ran my hands through my hair in frustration. I didn't really know what to do. I could have run after her, but I was so surprised I could barely move, and there was no hope I would find her if I went after her now. I didn't even know where she lived, so it was not like I could guess what route she took. I could call Bella, but since she had ignored me the past week after her breakdown, she would probably ignore my calls now.

Still... My eyes wandered over to my phone that was abandoned on the kitchen counter. It couldn't hurt to try. I walked over and grabbed it, finding Bella's number easily in my contact list.

OK, who am I kidding. I memorized it already.

I stared at her name in my phone, trying to figure out what to say if she actually did pick up. I wasn't having much luck after about five minutes of staring at my phone, and just as I was about to shove my phone into my pocket and go wallow in my own self pity, when I felt my phone vibrate in my hand. I froze, thinking that fate had finally dealt me a good card, but frowned once the caller display showed me it was only Garrett. 

“Hello?” I answered half heartedly.

“Whoa, who died?” Garrett chuckled. Apparently I sounded more depressed than I had thought.

“You know one of these days that might actually be true, and who will feel like the ass then?”

“I'll cross that bridge when I come to it,” he said with a laugh. I rolled my eyes. “But, seriously dude, you sound like someone ran over your grandmother. What's up?”

I sighed into the phone. I really didn't want to talk about this with Garrett. “It's nothing.”

“It's not about that chick is it? You really are a girl sometimes, you know that Cullen?”  I was now kicking myself for ever telling Garrett and Ben about Bella. After her breakdown and simultaneous disappearance from my life for the past week, I had mistakenly vented my frustration to my two best friends. They didn't understand why I had been going to so much trouble with Bella, especially since we we're supposedly just friends. Garrett had bugged me since then about being a girl, but Ben had been a little more supportive, and by supportive I mean he told me “That's sucks man.” I think I need to find new friends.

“Shut-up Thompson” I snapped, not in the mood for him to be busting my balls again over this.

“Chill, dude. I’ve just never seen you so hung up about a girl before.  Especially one you're not even banging. You weren't even this annoying when you found out Tanya cheated on your ass.”  It was true, Tanya had treated me like shit, but I don't remember waiting for her to call like I did with Bella. Maybe I have just gotten more desperate. I frowned, that wasn't a pleasant thought.

“Is that all you ever think about?,” I ignored the Tanya jab.  Trying to have an intelligent conversation about women with Garrett was like trying to teach a cow to play chess, futile.

“Is this a trick question?”

“Har-har.”

“You really care about this girl Ella, don't you?”

“Bella,” I wanted to hit him. Too bad being on the phone hindered that ability.

“Whatever, Bella. You didn't answer my question.”

I sighed. “I do. A lot.”

“That sucks man.”

“Thanks so much for the support,”

“Aw man, you know what I mean. Being crazy about a girl but not being able to have her, must be driving you nuts.”

“That's an understatement.”

“Hey dude, why don't we call Cheney up and we'll throw back a few beers at O'Reileys? That would cheer you up.”

“It's 11 AM.” I pointed out.

“So? It’s 5 o'clock somewhere.”

I considered saying no, but what else would I be doing if I didn't? I would probably be just sitting on my couch thinking about calling Bella and waiting for her to call me, and that sounded incredibly pathetic.

“Fine, call Cheney. I'll meet you guys there in an hour.”


 After several hours and more than several beers, I tried to just shoot the shit with the guys, but me being drunk just got me bouncing between being pissed and being lonely.   The guys thought I was crazy, which was probably true by now. 

After trying to get me to talk about anything else but Bella and failing miserably, they dragged my ass back to my apartment, where I unceremoniously passed out on my bed, waking up a few hours later, more than parched and still quite drunk.

I stumbled over to get some water in the darkness, nearly falling twice over my own feet. I felt better after downing a couple glasses of water, my head feeling slightly less fuzzy. I picked my phone out of my pocket, seeing if I had any missed calls or texts, but nada, zilch.

Before even looking at what time it was, I called Bella's cell, not even knowing what I would say if she picked up. “Hey Bella. I drank myself into oblivion because of you today. Oh, and BTW, I'm hopelessly in love with you,” Keep it cool Cullen. No one likes a clinger.

I didn't have to worry because, of course, it went sent straight to voicemail. I didn't even bother to leave a message. I tried to calm myself down after, but I was getting more antsy and fidgety. I needed to see her. To talk to her. To kiss her perfect, red lips... but I didn't know where she lived.

That's when the creeper in me came out. I searched Bella's name and number in the database, and since Isabella Swan was quite an uncommon name, there was only one search result. God bless the person who created white pages. I scribbled the address down on my hand, threw on some sneakers, and practically bolted out the door.

Bella didn't live too far from me, only a short subway ride away, and thankfully there weren’t many people on the train, or they would have mistaken me as a crack head or something with the way I was fidgeting so much. I couldn't help it, my body felt like it was filled with electricity,  and with every moment that I got closer to Bella, the more my body seemed to become a live wire. I needed her, and I was addicted to her. That's the only way to describe my need and want for her. The train could not go fast enough, and as soon as the door opened, I nearly tackled some kid pushing my way out and running out Bella's apartment.

I don't know how I did it, especially since I was semi-drunk and even when I'm sober I'm still one of the clumsiest people in the world, but I made it to the address I had written down in pretty good time,  unscathed too. I gave myself a mental high five. Bella lived on the 5th floor, and it was only a walk up, so I dashed up the stairs, out of breath once I made it to her floor. Once I had caught my breath again, I looked at my hand again for the apartment number, and it looked like a 10B written there, but it had become smudged after my palms had gotten sweaty from my run. I walked to 10B and raised my hand to knock, but I couldn't. I was frozen with my fist hovering over the wood. I was panicking.

I wanted to see her. Fuck, my whole body ached for it.  But what was I doing? I didn't even know what time it was and I was going to bang on her door? I still didn't even know what I wanted to say to her, I just knew I needed to see her.

 I was just lowering my fist from the door when I heard a noise in the apartment. It was muffled, so I couldn't tell what it was.

“Bella?” I called out and knocked, thinking and hoping she was awake so I wasn't bothering her. I got no response. I was about to knock again when I heard the most blood curdling scream I have ever heard in my life, and it came from within Bella's apartment.

A million different scenarios went through my head in those mere seconds. All of them making me panic. “BELLA!” I yelled and banged on her door. I heard another scream and I nearly lost it. Was someone in there? Was someone hurting her? I tried the handle but it was locked. My panic spreading further.

I wasn't even thinking straight as I started to bang into the door with my shoulder in order to get it in.

Logic wasn't with me as I threw myself into it several times until I busted it open, noticing minutely that she didn't have the deadbolt locked.

 Now if there was some intruder in there, the smart thing to have done was to find some weapon that could be of use , a kitchen knife or a bat. But I wasn't thinking properly, so I grabbed a semi-heavy lamp, hoping that I could at least bash an attacker’s head in with it.

 Bella screamed again once I was inside, and I booked it, trying to find where the noise was coming from. I found her room and threw the door open, lamp raised and ready. My eyes scanned the room quickly, but I found nothing and no one other than Bella in her room. She was curled up into a ball in the middle of her bed, and in the light streaming in from the street lamps outside, I could see that she had her hands clasped around a pillow, her face contorted in pain. I put the lamp down,  pretty sure that there was no attacker in there and I let out a sigh of relief.

I didn't really know what to do then, I had just broken down her door thinking she was being murdered, but there was nothing. She seemed deep asleep since she obviously didn't even hear me burst in. As I was watching her, she let out a strangled moan, and I felt my own face contort into pain, my heart wrenching. She was dreaming about something, and it was bad.

I ran to her side and tried to shake her awake. “Bella!” I said much softer than I had earlier. I was trying not to scare her. Though I was vaguely aware of the fact that me just being in her room in the middle of the night would scare the fuck out of her. The shaking didn't do it, and she started moaning in pain again, so I framed her face with my hands, my face close to hers.

“Wake up, Bella. It’s only a nightmare baby. It's alright.” I let my breath fan over her face, and she took a sharp intake of breath, sounding like someone who had been drowning but had finally found some air. Bella's eyes fluttered open, and I couldn't help the smile that came to my face when I saw  her beautiful brown eyes again. She looked at me unfocused, like she was trying to decipher the image in front of her, and I watched as they focused again, her eyes showing confusion.
Well at least she didn't seem freaked out about me busting into her apartment. Yet.

 My hands were still framing her face, my face only inches away from hers. My breathing became irregular, and it may have been way too inappropriate right then, but all I wanted to do in that moment was kiss her. She was my fucking drug.

Bella was still looking at me with confusion, and she raised her hands slowly to my face, placing her hands exactly the same place on my face that I had on hers. Light as a feather, her hands drifted up, feeling the contours of my face and running her fingers through my hair. She caressed my cheeks and we were still, staring into each other’s eyes.

“You're really here,” she said softly, though her voice was hoarse from screaming. Tears looked like they threatened to escape her eyes at any moment. I gulped, my throat feeling thick all of the sudden. I nodded.

“You're here,” she repeated, her eyes brimming over with tears.

“I'm not going anywhere,” I said reverently before pulling her face to mine. Our kiss was a slow burn, and I moved my body and rolled us so I was hovering over her. Bella tugged at my hair and pulled me closer, her tongue massaging mine as I fisted her shirt. I could feel myself growing hard, and I was pretty sure that Bella could feel it too, as we were practically plastered together, but neither of us said  a thing.

I felt Bella move her hands down my back to the hem of my shirt, pulling it up my body so she could take it off me. I broke our kiss only to help her take it off, and almost smirked when I saw Bella's eyes roam my body. I attacked her mouth again and I felt her groan, which spurred me on. I let my hands feel her body, the curve of her breasts, the delicate nature of her waist, and traced my finger along her hip bone. At my touch Bella grew more frenzied in her kisses, her pelvis meeting mine for any sort of friction. I knew we shouldn't be doing this right now, but I couldn't find it in me to care at the moment.

Bella broke off for air and I began to nibble at her neck, noticing how it flushed and how she was panting for air. My hands were playing with the flimsy straps of her tank top, assaulting her neck and chest with kisses when I barely heard her whisper.

“What did you say?” I looked up from Bella's neck to find her looking straight at me and biting her lip.

“I said, I want you to take my top off.” She blushed, but looked sure of herself.

You are probably thinking that I told her no, or maybe that I hesitated . I probably should have, we were moving way too fast, and truth be told, we should probably not be making out and dry humping after I had broken into her apartment for the nonexistent attacker, but I couldn't find it in me to care. Maybe it was the alcohol that was still in my system, or it could have been the adrenaline that had coursed through my veins before finding Bella safe in her bed. I would like to think it was just the sheer need I felt for her, the need that seemed to be echoing strongly in Bella right now.

With one more look at Bella's eyes, I swiftly pulled her tank top off, her bare breasts exposed to me. I took a long moment to just drink her in, taking in her perfect form. Her breasts, in a couple words, were fucking fantastic. I cupped them with my hands, loving the way they fit perfectly in my palms. Not too big and not too small. Just. Fucking. Perfect. 

Bella was watching me, one eyebrow arched in my direction.

“What?” My own eyebrows arching in response.

“See something you like, Cullen?” She bit her lip, not in nervousness this time, but being coy. Fucking hell, if that didn't make me even harder.

“Hmm, like?” I brought my lips back down to her neck, alternating between skimming my nose down her throat and leaving kisses there. “No, not like,” I said, nipping and biting her collarbone.  I moved my head down, bringing my tongue to her pert nipple, and teasing her once. I felt her shiver underneath me and her breath exhale sharply. Hmm, interesting. I licked her nipple again and I felt her squirm underneath me, her back arching off the bed.

“Fuck! Edward!” She cried, and I smiled once before taking her sensitive point in my mouth, sucking lightly. I was surprised that when I did, Bella let out a throaty moan that would put some porn stars to shame. It was hot. I released my mouth from her nipple, trying to hold myself together.

“Jesus Christ, Bella!  You'll be the death of me, I swear.” I tried to sound pissed, but it just came out a barely teasing tone.

“Me? How about you? I thought I was going to c--” Bella cut herself off and her face reddened. Wait. She wasn't going to say what I think she was going to say, was she?

“You weren't...”

“Uh...” The color on her face deepened and she looked away from my eyes.

“Close?” Her eyes darted back to mine, and she looked like she was debating something. I don't know what she saw in my face, but it decided whatever it was for her,  and I watched as her eyes became a molten brown; melting my very core.

“So close.”

“Fuck!” I cursed out, attacking her nipple once more with my mouth, using my other hand to palm at the other. Couldn't let one get all the attention. Bella arched into my mouth, grabbing my hair as I nibbled and sucked.

She let out a few unabashed moans that only spurred me on. Minutes later, I switched to her other side, and with a few turns at that one, I felt Bella shudder underneath me, crying out.

I let go of her nipple and kissed her hard. Not because I was worried about the noises she was making, her neighbours had obviously not noticed anything when she was screaming  earlier, but in that moment I needed to feel her mouth on mine. To feel how it felt as she came. She kissed me hard, dragging her nails down my back, causing me to shiver and push myself harder onto her. Bella moved her hands to my jeans, not even hesitating to undo the top button of my pants. I should be stopping her, but I didn't want to.  Lust had taken over me. No room for the gentleman tonight.

Bella's hand stilled on my zipper, and I swear she could have been reading my mind in that moment.

“We should probably stop, shouldn't we?” She asked, coming up for air from our frantic kissing. I think I mumbled something close to “no”, kissing her again while feeling the silky strands of her hair between my fingers. Bella moaned and gave in for a moment, but all too soon she was breaking off again. For fuck sakes...

“Edward. Stop.” She said it with such force that I thought I was doing something that was hurting her, and I stiffened above her. “Hey, look at me,” Bella said softly, and I did look, her face soft and caring.

“What's wrong?” My brow furrowed in confusion.

“Nothing’s wrong Edward. My god, is it ever not wrong.” She smiled, her face flushing crimson once again.

“Then, what is it?” I asked. I think at this point the blood had left my brain long ago. Bella sighed and put her hands in my hair, watching her fingers as they played with what was probably a chaotic mess on my head.

“You don't want to do this.”

I scoffed. “On the contrary, I think you can very much feel how much I want to do this.” Bella rolled her eyes.

“That's not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“I mean that this isn't the way you want to do this.”

“And how do you know that?” I can't help myself, deep down I am like every other horny male. Just wanting to get laid.

“Edward, I know you. You would hate yourself afterwards. No matter how much you want me now.”

“And why would I hate myself?” I really didn't get it. I wanted Bella, I was attracted to her and I loved her, what more could make this anymore right? But then it hit me, all of that should make me stop, because if I loved Bella, I would do this with her the right way. Not when I was still half drunk, not to mention a home invader. And especially not while we still haven't really talked about “us” and what happened this morning. I felt my face fall.

“Edward,” Bella grabbed my face, her small hands holding my face with surprising strength. “I know you want to do this right...and so do I.” That surprised me, Bella had earlier been the one to push for us to move faster, but now she wanted to go slow? What had changed?

“So you want to take this slow?” I asked. Bella smiled.

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

I am not going to lie, the horny 21 year old male in me was disappointed, but the way Bella looking at me and holding my face, I couldn't be mad. I smiled back at her.

“Okay then,” I said rolling off of her and onto the bed beside her. I was silent beside her as I tried to calm the fire that was inside me, trying once again to conjure images of Grandma Cullen.

“Edward?” Bella asked, breaking the silence. I turned to look at her, and she was on her side, gazing at me.

“Bella?” I answered, and I saw something in Bella's eyes then, but it moved too quick for me to name the emotion behind it.

“Will you stay? I mean with me... tonight?” she asked tentatively.  Her gaze shifted away from me and she began to fiddle with edge of a pillow. I almost laughed out loud. Here she was bare breasted in front of me, but she was nervous about asking me to stay? It was odd and adorable at the same time.

“Of course.” I smiled. I don't know what I would have done if she asked me to leave. I don't think I could if I wanted to. Bella looked up at me and she smiled back before quickly burying into my chest. It felt so good to hold her there, to keep her in my arms. She was warm and beautiful and perfect. I let myself breathe in the smell of her hair, the scent and the feeling of Bella's body wrapped in mine making me feel more content than I could ever remember.

I was almost asleep and I thought Bella was, when I heard her speak softly.

“Edward?”

“Hmm?” I hummed, I was teetering on unconsciousness at this point.

“Thank you.” I looked down at Bella and tilted her head towards mine with my fingers so I could look at her.

“For what?” Bella's eyes were sleepy, but in them I saw tears. One fell and I trapped it with my thumb, wiping it away.

“For you,” she said quietly before she brought her lips softly to mine once more.

Chapter 12

BPOV

“Bella?” Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Jacob.”

“You’re alive!” Jacob said with a chuckle on the other end of the line. I rolled my eyes.

“That I am.” I mumbled unenthusiastically. I did not want to have to deal with Jacob right now. I was cursing myself for not looking at the damn call display before picking it up. “Why are you calling so late?” I whispered into the phone, hoping not to wake Edward.

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for days, and I was worried something bad had happened to you or something! Besides, it’s only 11:30, I figured you’d be still be up.” Normally he would be right, but he had just ruined the first nightmare free sleep I’ve had in a while, so to say I was annoyed would be putting it lightly.

“I’ve been busy, Jake.”

“Oh, well I’m glad you’re okay.” He seemed taken aback by my tone, but really, what was with this misplaced worry about me? Jake and I just had a fling, he knew that. At least, I thought he did. Good  job in hooking up with a stage 5 clinger. Unfortunately, he regained his enthusiasm quickly.

“Listen Bella, the reason I’ve been trying to get a hold of you is that I wanted to let you know that I’m back in town…and that I was hoping I could see you. Soon.”  Gah, he sounded so hopeful. I am not good at this type of thing. Unfortunately not gifted with the ability of tact in these situations.

“Jake, I…” I started, but tried to find the right words. I couldn’t do this now. I was tired, cranky, and had a very attractive man laying on me at the moment. Not really the right time to tell someone you are not interested in them anymore. “Can we talk about this later?  I’m kind of…busy at the moment.”

“Okay…”

“Call you sometime this week.” I spoke quickly before hanging up, not even bothering to wait for his reply. I turned my phone off and sighed, everything was coming up fucking roses in my life, wasn’t it?

I looked down at Edward, hoping the conversation hadn’t woken him. That would be a very awkward conversation I didn’t want to have.  However when I did look, he was still sleeping, even snoring lightly. It wasn’t annoying at all, like most guys snoring. His was soothing, steady as a heart beat and actually quite adorable.

I let my fingers pull lightly through his hair again, entranced by its soft texture, and the stress from Jacob’s phone call melted away within seconds.

I had essentially been petting Edward’s head for what felt like an hour, when I felt Edward move around me. I stilled my hand as I felt him circle his arms around my waist, and just before I felt him nuzzle his nose into my hip. I heard a softly spoken “Bella”, a smile coming to his lips.

My breath caught in my throat as my heart began to hammer so loud I was afraid he could hear it. What I had dreamt about came flooding back to me with incredible power. I recalled every moment we had together, from the first day I had met him, to this very moment, and I saw it. I saw everything. Every touch, word, look, and action had all been leading up to this point.

Edward and I were never meant to be friends. The incredible pull we had toward each other should have been the first clue. I stupidly ignored it.

What I couldn’t ignore was how he made me feel, how I felt lost when he wasn’t there, and how he made me feel alive and made me feel in ways I didn’t think I was capable of anymore.

I loved him. I fucking loved him. I had never before believed in fate, or any of that destiny crap, but now? Could I deny that something stronger than myself brought Edward and I together? I didn’t think I could anymore. It was all too magical to simply be by accident. He was the only one that could bring me back out of my nightmares, and he had repeatedly saved me from myself. Every kiss and touch felt right, like we were created to do exactly that. I was empty without him, not entirely whole, this past week being a perfect example of that.

In the way Edward had touched me earlier, and the way he kissed every one of my scars, like he was cherishing me. I had known Edward had feelings that were more than friendly for me, but could he love me too? I didn’t know if that scared me more than my own love for him. I could protect him from myself if it was one sided, but if he loved me? It would be that much more difficult to prevent us from getting in too deep.

 Don’t you see? You’re already there.

 Fuck. My. Life.

I tried to think rationally about all this, but being me, that was harder said then done. The rational thing would be just to give in and be with Edward. I was pretty sure he wanted it, and I sure as fuck did.

But I couldn’t be that selfish, because I knew how much he would give of himself to me. He was a good person, the most generous, strong, and kind person I knew, and being with someone like me could only bring him down. I had already seen the impact of my breakdown on him, how he was worried about me. I didn’t want to break him even more. I couldn’t bear watching him try to fix me.  I was beyond fixing.  He deserved more.  So much more.

How I wished I could be the right one for Edward. That I could be whole for him, not broken or screwed up. It hurt so much I couldn’t be that for him. I loved him, I knew that now, and I would do my best to protect him, even from myself.

The problem was, I had no idea how I could do that. Sure, I could cut him out of my life, but even the thought was too painful. Besides, Edward would be hurt in that situation as well, and that’s exactly what I was trying to stop.

My mind was running in circles as I stared up at Edward’s ceiling, he was luckily sleeping like a baby, his arms wrapped securely around my body. Lucky bastard.

Just give in.

I wanted to. So badly.

You love him.

I know.

My thoughts bounced around my head for a long time after that, coming up with numerous scenarios, and they all ended with at least one of us getting hurt. Because that’s what happens when people got close to me.

I guess “normal” people would ask why I couldn’t just imagine everything being a fairytale ending to my life, and why I refused to even acknowledge a positive outcome. But I’m not normal. My life has never been normal, as much as I have tried, I’ll never be normal. My nightmares and scars are only the beginning. I don’t get happy endings. I get ghosts and demons that haunt me in my sleep, horrible memories that plague my thoughts during the day. My childhood is so screwed up, not even an Oprah special would want to touch it. To bring Edward into my nightmarish existence because he made me feel good and loved, would be selfish. I would inevitably poison his goodness.

How could I deal with loving Edward but doing nothing about it? He himself told me I was a bad liar, so would I be able to hide the fact that I was in love with him? That I would give anything to be what he wanted me to be? Would he want a Bella who didn’t have scars on her body? A Bella that wasn’t broken? It would be almost impossible to do, he could read me so well.

I went back to running my hands through Edward’s soft bronze hair, the repetitive movement bringing me comfort and calm. My thoughts began to slow down, my eyes becoming heavy again. Without all the chaotic thoughts going on in my brain, my mind became free to think of good things. The warmth of Edward’s arms wrapped around me. His intoxicating scent.  His soft lips against mine, and his tongue mingling with mine in just the perfect way. How could something that perfect be wrong?

As I drifted off to sleep, my hands still Edward’s hair, the meadow came back to my memory. Edward and I laying next to each other, both staring and unspeaking, in awe of each other’s company.

It was the meadow that broke my resolve.

****

Light. It’s too bright. I roll over to hide from the light. That’s better.

 I try to go back to where I was before, but my senses are waking up. I hear a small crackling sound. What is it? I smell the air, the smell of bacon assaulting my senses along with something else. It’s familiar…

That’s when it hits me.

I force my eyes open, which is really no use since I buried my head in a cushion only moments ago, and all I see is the ugly brown velvet of the couch. I roll over and bolt upright, causing my head to spin from the head rush.

“Whoa. Too fast.” I try to focus, and I hear Edward chuckle from the kitchen. I look towards him and almost have another head rush. His hair is wet, indicating that he must have just come out of the shower, but what stops my brain from working is that he is wearing a white wife beater that leaves his perfectly sculpted arms all out in the open. Don’t even get me started on his back. I think I might be drooling.

Edward turns around at my words and of course notices my stare.

“See something you like?” he asks, that smug grin breaking out on his face.

“Yeah, I really love bacon.” Ha. Take that Edward. Two can play at this game.

“You do huh?” He arches his eyebrow inquisitively at me. “Hmm.” His eyes become hooded and I watch as he licks his lips, forcing me to bite my lip to stop myself from moaning. He walks over to me with a plate in hand, and I notice then that he has made me a full breakfast, eggs, toast, bacon, the works.

I figure he is going to hand me the plate, but when he sits down beside me he keeps it in his lap. Is he going to just make breakfast for himself and make me watch as he eats it ? Bastard.

“So, bacon.” He looks at me with a slight smile, and I am confused about where the fuck he is going with this. I swear to God if he makes some “I must like meat in my mouth” joke I am going to punch him in the junk. And steal his breakfast.

He chuckles slightly before picking up a piece of bacon, and holds it in front of my mouth. There is fire in his eyes as he licks his lips again, and I get what he is doing now, and it had very little to do with bacon. I open my mouth for it, playing the game just as much as he is right now, and wrap my lips around the meat. It’s been perfectly cooked, and it’s so good, I lick my lips afterwards.

There is a crash and suddenly his warm lips on mine, hungry and frantic. Our faces smash together and there is the faint taste of mint on his breath mixed with coffee. I nibble on his lip, and hear Edward groan, his hands grasping me everywhere. I lay back down as he hovers over me, and wrap my legs around him so I can pull him closer, feeling his body on mine. I expect him to push away, like the last time, but he doesn’t, and I can feel him grind himself into me.

This time I don’t stifle the moan.

“Bella,” he moans back.  He’s breathless, and so am I. My hands come to his back, pulling him impossibly closer and feeling those magnificent back muscles through the thin cotton of his shirt.

His hands are in my hair, on my face, and then skimming along my ribs, his lips eager and hot. So hot.

This time, my stomach is the cock blocker. It grumbles loudly and I feel my face become flushed. Edward pulls away chuckling. I frown, I do not want him to pull away, I want him back in my arms and in between my legs. Damn my loud stomach!

“Ahh,” Edward mumbles, rubbing his face. “Sorry about that.”

“You should be, teasing me like that should be illegal.” He stops rubbing his face and looks at me inquisitively before cracking a smile.

“I meant attacking you like that,” he says, laughing lightly. “I should control myself better, not be so…. animalistic.”  Oh, on the contrary, I really like it when he’s being animalistic. He’s the predator and I’m the prey?  Yeah, that works.  Rawr.

My whole internal debate from last night has clearly gone out the window, making it perfectly clear to me that I’m pretty fucking dazzled by a certain Mr. Edward Cullen. One touch of his lips and I am putty in his capable hands.

“It’s just really hard to control myself when I’m around you.  It’s like you’re a drug to me.” he mumbles, his eyes trained on mine like a hawk. I gulp and feel my skin get hot. He’s better at this than I thought.

“Sorry?” I say, still so dazzled by his eyes I must sound like a bumbling fool. Edward flashes his crooked smile, causing my head to spin once again, and musses my hair  before he gets up. I watch him as he frowns down at the scrambled eggs and bacon on the floor, sighing before he kneels down to clean it up.

“There is a plate keeping warm in the oven if you want to grab some food while I clean this up.”

“I can help you if you want.” I feel bad to be eating while he is cleaning a mess I am partially responsible for. Edward sighs exasperatedly.

“Eat, this is fine.” He waves his hand over the mess. “It’s my fault anyways, since I tried to seduce you with pork products.”

“It worked didn’t it?”

“Touche.” He laughs and I grab the food. I am actually pretty hungry, and breakfast smells delicious. I settle back down on the couch as he finishes cleaning up, totally ogling his ass as he is bent over. Thankfully, he doesn’t notice that. No need to add fuel to that fire.

The breakfast is as good as it smelled, and I’m in awe of how well Edward can cook. Most guys I know can barely boil water without almost burning the house down.  Is there anything he doesn’t do well?  Don’t answer that.

“Where did you learn to cook so well?” I ask with a glob full of eggs in my mouth. Good job Bella, very attractive.

Edward shrugs before sitting back down, stealing a piece of my toast at the same time. Normally I would protest, but I am sort of the reason his landed on the floor.

“I dunno, practiced I guess. Besides, it’s just scrambled eggs. Not exactly rocket science.”

“You have clearly not been to been to the fine establishment of Fork’s one and only diner. Worst. Eggs. Ever.” I laugh. Edward chuckles with me, but there is an edge to it, and I know immediately that there is something else on his mind. His eyes get that distant look when he’s thinking too much.

“What’s up Cullen?” I ask as I set down my plate on the coffee table. “And don’t you dare tell me that it’s ‘nothing’.”

“How do you know that?” He’s avoiding the answer. I frown.

“I can tell by your face. You’re incredibly easy to read.”

“I pay attention,” I shrug, but blush at the same time. Edward’s hand comes to my face, brushing the hair off it before tucking it behind my ear. “Your blush is beautiful.” His voice is soft, like velvet, and my heart beats hard in my chest, the heat in my cheeks getting warmer. This kind of stuff made me more nervous than anything physical we did. The physical stuff was easy. Kissing him was easy. But these emotions, the way his eyes bore into mine as if he was trying to read my soul, and the way I felt the care in his touch, that was harder. Because even though I knew I loved him, it didn’t mean I was ready to feel all that. It was too much.

He was still staring into my eyes, reading my face and searching for something. It was all becoming too much. I needed to go. Now.  
“I have to go,” I almost yelped, bolting off the couch. Edward’s eyes were wide, surprised, his hands losing their hold on my face. I started grabbing up my things, rushing towards the door.

“Wait!” Edward yelled, coming out of his surprised stupor. I was having trouble with the damn dead bolt, my hands fumbling nervously. Come on!

Finally I unlocked it, but my fumbling had slowed me down, and Edward’s hand shot to the door hard, stopping it from opening any more than an inch. I flinched.

“Where are you going?” His voice had lost the calm that it had earlier, and his face was angry now. I didn’t like it. It reminded me of much harder things that I couldn’t think about right now. Now was not the time to breakdown again.

“Home. I have errands to run and things to do before I have to go back to work tomorrow,” I said, my voice devoid of any emotion. His face softened, but he still looked perplexed.

“Bella, I really think we should talk about what happened---”

“---Not now, Edward. I need to go.” I interrupted, not wanting to hear what I knew he was going to say. His eyes searched mine, looking for something, and I had no idea what for, but whatever he found made him remove his hand from the door, his eyes growing sad. Hurt. My heart lurched. See? I was already hurting him. I didn’t want to hurt him.

Tears pricked in my eyes, and I had to get out of there now before the waterworks started, all the things that had happened to me in the past twenty-four hours were coming to a head, and I was so close to breaking. Edward could not see that side of me again.

I’m so sorry Edward. I wanted to say that out loud, but I couldn’t, only telling him I’d see him at work before bolting out the door without looking back. For all I knew, Edward was still stuck at the door, where I had hurt him.

 I continued to run, running from his building, and even bypassing the subway as I ran through the busy streets of the city. I ran until my lungs were ready to burst and my skin was slick with sweat, but I kept going, running until I was safely in my apartment, where I finally stopped. There, I collapsed on my kitchen floor, letting my emotions take over my body. I made wretched noises, and sobbed for hours. If my neighbors didn’t already think I was insane, they did now. They probably just put earplugs in and ignored me. That’s one thing I learned about this city. People didn’t care.

I stayed on the floor until darkness took over my apartment, mentally hurting and my limbs becoming stiff from being curled up in the same position for hours on end. Eventually I dragged myself off my floor and took a shower, and I stood there until the hot water was drained and my body was numb.

It wasn’t until later, when I was in my bed, praying for sleep even if I had one of my nightmares, that I remembered something.

As I ran from Edward’s apartment, he said something before I left. I didn’t pay attention at the time of my hysterics, and I don’t even think he fully intended for me to hear it either. But now I distinctly remembered, the words cutting at me because I knew I had hurt him, the pain in his voice clearly evident as he said those four words, causing another wave of hysterics.

All I could see was his face, full of pain, and his voice as he said, “Stop running away Bella.” 

Chapter 11

BPOV

I hadn't planned for this. Not at all.

Now here I was, more exposed than I had ever been in my life, and it was not because the top half of my body was now void of any clothing in front of a man. I could care less about that.

My exposure also had far less to do with my physical scars, and had all to do with the ones that couldn't be seen. The scars that I never ever let anyone see. I was strong Bella. Sarcastic Bella. A Bella who had a good number of one night stands and short relationships under her belt. I wasn't supposed to care or let people in, and he had changed it all in one moment.

I should have never kissed him, the first time was just to distract him from asking anything about my past. It worked, but I hadn't accounted for my reaction.

Mistake number one.

I had meant the kiss to be sweet, a sort of 'thanks for saving my life' kind of deal, but as soon as my lips touched his, every nerve ending in my body came to life, and I was feeling things I hadn't felt before, like I had been sleeping for my entire life, and had only just now been woken up. I was still so in awe of this new feeling in my body that the closer Edward got, his long fingers wrapping in my hair, his other hand wrapping securely around my waist, the more my body and my senses came alive. My hands grabbed fistfuls of his hair, bringing him impossibly closer. I felt his tongue glide across my lip, and the sparks that I had felt earlier turned into a full fledged explosion. I was feeling everything, and it scared me to my core. Everything I had tried so hard to do, to prevent from happening, happened anyway. Even as I pulled away, I knew it was too late. I was irrevocably changed from that moment. The cotton was pulled from ears and the blindfold had been removed from my eyes.

The sensations I had been feeling while I was kissing Edward, and each time I had kissed him today, it awoke something in me that hadn't been alive in a very long time, and it also pulled every other feeling out. The pain and mental torment from my past was not just in the background, occasional and sometimes embarrassing blips in my life, but was now eating away at my subconscious, leading up to this exact moment with me standing half naked in Edward's living room, my pulse racing and tears falling down my face.

I had never told anyone that Phil had beat me, nobody knew except him, my mother and I, and two out of the three of us were dead, so I never had to worry about anyone discussing it. Of course I have had people ask about my scars. I couldn't wear a bathing suit or even a tank top without some of my scars showing, but I would usually dismiss it as some childhood accident, and people wouldn't need anything deeper than that. I knew what he did to me, had waking nightmares because of it, but to actually verbalize what I went through was a completely different story. I hadn't even gone into the gory details with Edward, simply telling him they were scars from a belt. Edward was shocked, I could hear it in his voice, but I didn't want his pity. Pity couldn't change the past.

I heard him get up, but I was too afraid to look at him, afraid to see pity or disgust in his eyes. I could feel his hot breath on my neck as he spoke my name, and I gasped when I felt his lips brush against the skin. He kissed every scar I had visible, starting at my shoulders and trailing them down my back, coming back up again and kissing them each once more before stopping at the space between the edge of my jaw and my neck. His nose skimmed along my skin, causing my face to flush with heat, and I felt him whisper something into my skin before leaving another kiss at my throat.

"What did you say?" I asked, my voice shaky and breathless. Edward sighed and I felt him straighten up behind me. He turned me lightly with his fingers so now I was facing him, and brought my shirt over me to pull it over my head.

"Don't worry, it's not important," he said softly, pulling my shirt over my head and helping me with the arm holes like I was a child. You would think I would be offended by such an action, but I was too emotionally and physically exhausted to care in that moment.

I forced myself to look at him finally, knowing all too well that he was lying to me about it not being important, but I lost my train of thought when I saw his eyes. His deep blue eyes had changed, and although they were soft, there was something burning behind them, something that I had never seen before, making the color look almost turquoise. We were both lost looking into each other eyes, and it seemed like we stood like that in silence, our eyes only breaking when Edward pulled me into his arms, immediately causing me to melt into his body.

"I want to kill the bastard that did this to you, Bella. I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that," he murmured into my hair, pulling me tighter to him, like holding me would make it go away. If only.

"It's not your fault. And besides, fate already beat you to Phil anyways." Edward looked back at me quizzically.

"He got shot in the head in some bar fight shortly after my mom died," I clarified. He looked at me solemnly for a few seconds, like he was debating something and then pulled me hard against his chest again, allowing me to bury my face in his chest and his wonderful scent. He seemed to be doing the same as he kissed the top of my head.

"He deserved a far less easy death than that, for what he did to you." I looked back up at Edward, and again saw the burning in his eyes. He was angry for what happened to me, that was obvious, but there was something else I was still trying to figure out.

I sighed and let my finger trail lazily across his lips. He had such pretty lips. Pink. Soft. Warm.

"I know."

We stood there for a few moments, both of us silent as he held me. I was so tired, the day had been so exhausting on so many levels, I knew I needed to sift through the things that happened to me today, but I was just so tired. Tired of being so emotional, tired of crying, just tired of being at this moment. Edward seemed to be reading my mind, because a few seconds later, he moved us toward the couch and pulled me beside him.

"Lets just forget about all this shit, and watch some stupid as fuck movie." He smiled at me, I nodded, barely having the energy to do even that. "Any suggestions?" he asked, quirking his eyebrow at me. I shrugged, not really caring at all what he put on. He browsed for a quick moment before pulling out a disc quickly and popping it in the DVD player, settling down beside me with a sheepish look on his face. I looked at him quizzically.

"What?" I asked as he put his arm behind my shoulders and laid back into the couch.

"I…uh… its nothing," he said, avoiding my gaze. I frowned.

"Sure it is," I murmured sarcastically. Edward looked at me and rolled his eyes, sighing.

"It's just kind of embarrassing."

What the fuck could he be embarrassed about? He wasn't the one who was rejected for a blow job and then whipped his top off, was he? He had nothing on me right now.

"This is kind of my favourite movie, and it makes me feel better when I'm sick and stuff, so I figured it would make you feel better. But it's stupid really. I mean, I'm a future lawyer and this is my favourite movie?" Edward was a bit flustered and it was pretty adorable he was worrying about something silly as this.

"Why would you be embarrassed?" I was confused, and now so was he. It was then I finally clued in that I didn't even know what movie he had put in, and I looked toward the screen, seeing the familiar blue Disney logo leave the screen, making way for a cartoon llama.

Ahh, now I got it.

I looked back at Edward, who was gazing at me for a reaction. He looked worried.

"You're embarrassed because your favourite movie is a Disney movie?" I asked as I started giggle. Edward blushed slightly.

"I'm a grown man for God's sake, I should like Die Hard or something."

"Edward, there is nothing wrong with liking a cartoon. It's actually pretty adorable of you."

"Adorable, what every man wants to hear." I giggled some more and watched a smile begin to tug at Edward's lips. God, that smile. I craved it always.

I settled into his side leaning back and feeling lighter then I had all day.

"Have you ever seen this one?" he asked, gesturing to the screen. I shook my head, not seeing many of the more recent Disney films. I just remembered the classics from my childhood, Snow White, Cinderella and all that.

"Oh man, you're in for a treat then. I swear you'll love this one." He smiled a big smile, almost like a little boy. Too flipping adorable. "By the way I can probably recite this movie verbatim, so I'm warning you now that I just might do that. A lot."

"A Llama? He's supposed to be dead!" Edward said in this high pitched voice during one part of the movie, which made me snort out loud. Edward looked at my with a silly grin on his face, and he ruffled my hair.

"What? You don't like my Esma voice?"

"On the contrary, I think its very funny. Do you talk like old women often?"

"Har Har Bella, you love it."

"Of course I do." I said, the first thing coming to mind. It was true, him doing the voices of the characters was actually really funny. Edward's face however, clouded, and he turned back to the film with less enthusiasm then before. I wondered what had gotten into him, but I let it go, not wanting to bother him. I turned my attention back to the movie, but I slowly found myself drifting off.

***

It was bright and I was confused.

I squinted, trying to adjust my eyes to the light, and slowly, I could see the faint outline of leaves above me, and then feeling the touch of soft grass whispering at the exposed skin of my hands and neck. What the actual fuck? I was in Forks again, but how was that possible? I was just in Edward's apartment, and now I was here?

I was staring confusedly at the sky when I heard the grass rustle suddenly beside me.

"You're back," a velvet voice murmured right beside my ear. I turned to find Edward smiling back at me, like he had been there the entire time, wearing that ridiculous pea coat again. That's when I clued in.

"I'm dreaming," I said, relieved that I hadn't gone crazy. Or at least, not any more so. Edward chuckled.

"Yes."

"I should have figured that out when I saw the sun. I don't think I have ever seen Forks this bright in my entire life."

"Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean it hasn't happened."

"I thought you were supposed to be convincing me that this was a dream, not the other way around." I eyed him up, questioning him.

"I'm just stating a fact Bella," he said, picking up a loose strand of my hair and playing with the end.

"You're confusing me, that's what you're doing." I sat up, my brain not processing anything properly. Edward just kept smiling up at me, the picture of relaxation as he lounged in the grass.

"Well I am from the makings of your subconscious."

"Fuck, even here you're a smug bastard?" I scowled at him and he laughed again. If he was going to keep laughing at me, I was going to smack him. Though technically it was me making fun of myself since it was all my dream.

I guess.

Crap, this was making my brain hurt.

"You love me," Edward smiled at me, making the statement sound as true as water is wet. I was flabbergasted. I loved no one and nothing. My mother stamped out any of that possibility of that for me.

"Excuse me?" I gaped down at him in shock, and suddenly he was leaning in close to my face, his move so imperceptible that it was like he had been sitting like that the entire time. My pulse quickened at his proximity, and even though I knew he wasn't real, I was still completely dazzled by him.

"You know what I'm talking about." Edward's lips were now hovering over mine and I could feel his breath on my skin. If he thinks he could make me admit something like that with his fuckhot self…

Just then he captured my top lip with both of his, and I gave in. Letting myself get lost in the kiss.

Okay, so he was doing a very good job at convincing me he was right. A very, very good job.

"Edward, I…ah" I gasped between kisses and stifling a moan as he began to kiss down my neck. Oh God, this man. He would be my complete undoing. And I couldn't even chalk this all up to the dream. Edward had more than demonstrated his skills in this area on the train and in his apartment.

"Hmm?" he whispered into my skin, the feel of his breath on the wet trail left from his kisses making me shiver.

"Edward," I breathed, trying to regain my composure but finding it very difficult to do so. "Edward I don't…" I gasped out but I couldn't say it. "I can't…" Edward looked up at me then, bringing his face level with mine again. His eyes were full of the fire that I saw earlier, and I felt myself gulp, both scared and extremely turned on.

"You keep saying that, but it doesn't mean that it's not true, does it Bella?" He gazed at me, his eyes burning into mine.

"You don't understand, I can't love you Edward. I can't." I chocked out, barely able to breath, my heart hammering in my chest like a drum.

"But you do."

I didn't know what to say back to him, or maybe I was just incapable of doing so. I couldn't deny it, but I wouldn't admit it. I had been trying so hard to make myself believe it wasn't true, when all along it had been true. From the moment I met Edward Cullen, I never had a chance.

I couldn't get any words out, but I grabbed onto his face tightly, giving him the most searing kiss I could possibly give, pouring every ounce of feeling I had into it. I felt him fist my hair as he gasped for air, and I held on to him tighter, not wanting to lose this moment, and wanting to live in this dream forever.

"Bella, I…" Edward breathed before I heard an annoying buzzing sound. I looked around for the source but couldn't find anything, and when I looked back at Edward, he sighed.

"See you later Bella," he smiled, and the buzzing got louder. What the fuck was that? It sounded like an entire hive of bees.

"What?" I asked, wondering why we were ending this now, I wanted to know what he was going to say. Edward shook his head, and got up. Only muttering "Don't worry, it's not important." before he disappeared.

"Edward! Wait!" I yelled into empty forest, but the buzzing sound drowned out my call. It got louder and more constant, and suddenly, I was thrust out from the forest floor, the trees being replaced by a dark ceiling.

I gasped, feeling like I had just had the wind knocked out of me, and tried to get my bearings about me. I felt something warm on my hip, and I looked down, only to find a head of unkempt bronze hair below me. Edward had his cheek resting on my hip, and he was snoring lightly. From this angle, I could see his lips up in a twinge of a smile. I pulled my hands through his unruly locks as I contemplated what had happened in my dream.

I loved Edward. Despite all my trying to avoid it, it had finally happened. I had completely and utterly fallen for someone, and it scared me shitless. I wanted to run, to avoid it for as long as possible, but I couldn't get myself to move, or to even remove my hands from his hair. Edward didn't stir, and only nestled into my hip further. Fuck.

I was still raking my fingers through his hair when the buzzing sound came back again, only this time I realised it was my phone. Unthinkingly, I picked up the phone, and flipped it open.

"Hello?" I whispered, trying not to wake Edward up. He looked so peaceful.

"Bella?"

Shit.