Chapter 4

EPOV

I didn’t see much of Bella after the weird hug-and-run she did in the break room, even though I did keep a look out for her as I was restocking a few shelves. Much like yesterday, there wasn’t much to do once I was finished with that, so I resumed my pacing of the aisles, and whenever Betty or some customer walked by, I would try and make myself look busy, rearranging books that didn’t need to be rearranged.

Not being busy was not good for me; it meant that I could never got Bella out of my mind. I had figured out a few things about her, like she wasn’t used to other people taking care of her, and that there was something that was haunting her in her dreams, something that caused her so much pain and fear. But that just led to even more unanswered questions about Bella. Why was she having these dreams? Did she have them often, and what were her dreams about? I especially wanted to know the answer to the last one, and I really wanted to know why she had dreamt of me. Don’t even get me started on the questions I had for myself, and what I was going to do about what was developing between myself and Bella.

All in all, I was pretty fucking confused with myself at the moment.

I let out a heavy sigh, and continued to pace, looking around for the possible hiding places that Bella could be. I was acting all ninja like, jumping around corners in order to possibly surprise her (I know, I’m 12), but she was never there. She was either more of a stealth ninja then I was, or she was completely bullshitting me about the whole watching me thing.  I would like to think the latter was true, but most likely, knowing me, the former was probably the true possibility.

I was relieved when I could finally go on my lunch break, and I could get out of the god forsaken romance section, and I was pretty eager to see if Bella would be in the break room again, but when I got there, there wasn’t any sign of her. I stupidly realised then that she probably wouldn’t have the same lunch break as I would, and I swiftly made my way out of the store, heading over to a small pizza shop across the street.

I was just settling down to eat my face sized piece of pepperoni pizza, when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I reached for it, and frowned when I saw the text that my brother had just sent me.

So guess what a little birdie told me? - Em-dog. Why Emmett decided that calling himself “Em-dog” was either cool or appropriate was beyond me. I really tried to not to question anything Emmett did anymore.

I sighed. Of course Alice couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

Let me guess, this little birdie has black hair and is related to us. -E.  I took a gigantic bite of my pizza while I waited for Emmett to text me back. Since I was only part-time, my lunch wasn’t that long, so I really didn’t have much time other then eat and run.

You’re right on the 2nd part, though she has light brown hair… - Em-Dog

Fuck! My parents knew about my job! I didn’t even think to warn Alice about not telling them. Damn it, damn it, damn it! I knew what was going to come now; I would get a call from them sooner rather then later, and they would try to get me to come home for the summer, which now that I had met Bella there was no way I was doing that, and they would try to give me money, probably more then any normal twenty-one year old would need. I would also vehemently refuse that, and then we would get into a huge argument, one that we have had many times before, and would end with one of us (most likely me) hanging up on them.

I always felt horribly guilty asking them for money, even though they had always been more the willing to help me out. I let them help pay for my tuition, since even a part-time job would not make a dent in that expense, but nothing more. I didn’t want my parents to help me out and I didn’t want to be one of those trust fund kids that never worked a day in their life for anything. I wanted something for my own, built for myself, and not on my family’s legacy. Maybe I was being bratty and irrational, but couldn’t I have this one piece of rebellion?

Dude, you still alive over there? Emmett messaged me after I hadn’t answered him back.

Yeah, I’m just plotting ways to end Alice’s life. -E.

Aw, don’t be so hard on her. Unlike SOME people, she actually lets her family know what’s happening in her life.  -Em-Dog.

I let you guys know about my life. I wrote back, knowing that me not telling them I had a summer job was basically negating my statement in the first place. I could visualize him rolling his eyes at me. Emmett could be an idiot sometimes, but that didn’t mean he was stupid.

Yeah, right. What’s the big deal anyways? It’s just a job. It’s not like you have a drug problem or something.  He answered quickly. I really hope he wasn’t actually wondering if I did have a drug problem now. He should really know better then that.

I don’t know, Em. I just want to keep some stuff  to myself, you know? - E.

Shouldn’t have told Alice then. -Em-dog.  No shit, Sherlock.

I wiped my face for any sauce residue, and rubbed my face with my hands before I messaged Emmett back.

Yeah, I figured that out now. - E. I messaged him before telling him I had to go back to work, to which he promptly responded that he was seriously considering flying down from Seattle just to see me in my uniform. I rolled my eyes at my phone.

Once I got back to work there was still no sign of Bella, but some punk did manage to mess up my section while I was gone, and I was grumbling to myself as cleaned up the books that were scattered around.

Yes, I do realize I used the word “punk” and that it makes me sound like a senior citizen. Maybe I was finally turning into the old man my name suggests.

Anyways, I was cleaning up the major fuck job that was created in my absence, when I heard a woman’s voice unnecessarily close to me, and it was definitely not the voice I wanted to hear. No, this woman had very strong,  nasal voice. Her voice was what I could only describe as akin to nail’s on a chalkboard, or maybe some dying animal.

 I shuddered and turned around slowly to find a woman who was in her late forties/early fifties, clad in tight jeans, a very low cut leopard print tank top, and her hair was so teased and bleached, I wondered how any head of hair could actually survive that kind of damage. Lets not forget that she was blatantly trying to eye fuck me as soon as I looked at her.

“What can I help you with, ma’am?” I said, shifting uncomfortably so she would be out of my personal space. That didn’t do any good, because she just came closer.

“Hmmm, well I’m looking for something to you know, spice up the love life, if you know what I mean.” She said, lifting her eyebrows suggestively. I leaned back from with a gulp, and told her that we have a great selection of romance novels, and that I was sure we could find something she liked. She followed me down the aisle while I pulled out random books that I thought she would like, and I couldn’t help feeling that she was staring at my ass the whole time.

Now, normally I wouldn’t be that freaked out about that kind of attention, and I had even enjoyed it when I had caught Bella doing it yesterday, but this was just plain creepy. I mean, this woman was probably old enough to be my mother!

When I would show her a book, she would glance over it briefly, and then dismiss it, saying that it wasn’t quite what she was looking for. I was starting to sweat and get really uncomfortable, but I didn’t know what to do. She was a customer, so I didn’t want to be rude, and I couldn’t push her or something, so I just kind of lived with it and prayed that she would find whatever she was looking for and leave.

I took her to the end corner of the aisle, where the particularly dirty novels were, and I quickly found out that was the complete wrong thing to do, because within a minutes, I was trapped by the cougar.

I had been picking up a couple books from the shelf, stuttering out that these one’s were pretty good, and we’re pretty erotic, even though I had no idea if that was true or not, when I felt her grab my side. I flinched and turned around so my back was against the stacks, effectively trapping myself between her and the bookshelf.

I don’t know if she took my fear as a signal that I liked what she was doing, or if she just didn’t care, but she flushed herself against me and licked her lips.

Oh God, this was not happening. I could feel my self blushing and I really wanted to get her away from me, but I was like a deer in the headlights; I was frozen in fear.

“I think you know what I need-,” The cougar said, trying to sound sultry but sounding more like a strangled cat. “ - what’s your name again?” She asked, even though I had never told her.

“Edward.” I stuttered. What the hell? Why did I tell her my real name? WHY? 

“Hmmm, Edward. I like the sound of that. It sounds, strong.” She said, then further scarred me for life by rubbing her hands down my arms and pressed herself into my crotch. I tried to tell her this was inappropriate (the polite way of telling her get the fuck off me) but there were no sounds coming out of my mouth.

I quickly glanced away from her and saw Betty coming past the entry to the aisle. Praise whatever God there is, because she glanced my way. I saw her eyes narrow, and I mouthed “help me” to her, hoping that she would get that I was attacked by this woman, and not that I was feeling her up.

“What’s going on here?” I heard Betty ask, and the cougar jumped away from me, clearly embarrassed to be caught like that. I nearly ran to Betty, making sure I was as far away from the cougar as I could be. I started talking before she could, finally able to get my words back, and looked pointedly at the woman.

“I was trying to find a book for this woman, but I wasn’t having any luck finding her exactly what she needed.”  The woman blushed, and looked down. So now she was embarrassed?

“Hmm, well maybe I will be able to help you. Edward, why don’t you see if they need any help in stock room?” Betty said, effectively allowing my escape immediately.

“Uh, yeah. Of course.” I said, before bolting without even a look behind me.

I pretty much hid in the stock room for the next fifteen minutes while the stock boys either ignored me or watched me with amusement, until Betty finally came to find me.

“Oh my God, thank you. Thank you so much. I don’t know what happened, I was helping her, and then she was on me, and I didn’t know what to do…” I trailed off when I saw one of the guys give me the thumbs up from behind Betty. I frowned at him.

“It’s alright, Edward. I’ve had to deal with her before. Though I’ve never seen her back someone into a corner like that.” Betty said, trying to hide a smile. Oh great, she thought this was funny. How else could this get anymore  embarrassing?

“You know, you could have just told her to move and leave the store.” 

“I thought it would be rude.” I answered truthfully.

“Well, if it happens again, just tell her to back off or you’ll call security, alright?” She told me, and I nodded. I didn’t even know we had security.

“Now get back to work.” I hesitated, and this time Betty broke out into a full grin. “Don’t worry, she won’t be coming back.” She chuckled and went back to the floor. I blushed, not sure if I was more embarrassed that I got trapped by a middle aged woman who felt me up, or getting saved by my boss, who also happened to be a middle-aged, rather tiny, woman. Emmett would have a field day with this one if he ever found out. 

Once I got back to my section and had triple checked that the over-eager cougar had indeed left, I was able to calm down significantly, though I did shudder a few times when I thought what could have happened if Betty hadn’t shown up. I felt really stupid and embarrassed for not being able to get her away from me myself, and felt even more stupid from fearing her even now.

I finished cleaning up the mess that I had be interrupted from earlier, and resumed my pacing, praying to God I wouldn’t have anymore cougar attacks today. Once in a while I would stop and lean against a shelf, pinching the bridge of my nose with my forefinger and thumb, already stressed by the day.

“Had a bad day?” I jumped again, not hearing Bella approach me again. She really was a stealth ninja.

“Jesus,” I said in surprise. “how do you do that ?” 

“Do what?” She looked at me, perplexed. Like she didn’t know.

“Appear out of thin air.”

She rolled her eyes at me before she spoke. “Edward, its not my fault you’re exceptionally unobservant.” I frowned, I was actually pretty observant most of the time; it was disconcerting that Bella was rendering me this way.

“Yeah, you could say I‘m having a bad day,“ I said. “ is there a reason you came here, Bella?” I snapped. I saw Bella’s face fall and I immediately regretted saying it, her face reminded me of this morning when she was dreaming. I looked down at my feet.

“I Just wanted to see how you were doing... and apologize.” Bella said calmly, and my eyes shot up.

“What would you have to apologize for?” I asked, incredulous. I tried to think back at anything she had did earlier today that would make her think that she needed to apologize to me. I came up with nothing.

“I wanted to apologize for hugging you…and then running away.” she said, and I saw her face flush with embarrassment. “I don’t usually do that sort of thing, and I know we’ve only known each other for a couple days now…” she trailed off, not sure what to say.  I almost laughed. She felt bad for hugging me? Yeah, her running away from me afterwards was a bit weird, but the hug was probably one of the bright spots in my day. I could even remember the feel of her small body pressed against mine, she had felt so right there, like she was born to fit my shape perfectly. I ached touch her even now.

“You don’t need to feel bad, Bella. I mean, isn’t that what friends do?” I said, moving a couple inches closer. I couldn’t help it, she was like a magnet to me. She dropped her eyes and stared at the Books and Things logo that was stitched over my shirt pocket, avoiding my eyes.

“It’s just I don’t normally do that. Like, ever.” Bella said, turning a darker shade of red.

“What?” I asked, confused. “You don’t ever hug people?” Bella shook her head.

Wow, so today I was the exception to that rule? It now even more amazed me that she did it in the first place.

“Why?” I asked, because of course, I wanted to know everything about this beautiful, complex woman.

“It’s….complicated.” She shrugged, and I put my finger under her chin so I could get her to look at me. When her eyes finally did meet mine, and they were the same deep pools of chocolate brown that had entranced me yesterday.

“I think I can keep up,” I said earnestly as I looked into her eyes. I wanted to convey to her that she could trust me with her secrets. She sighed and moved away from my hand and put her hands through her hair. I stayed unmoving, looking at her face. Her face was all scrunched up like it had been when she was dreaming, like she debating something.

After a long minute, I was beginning to think that she wasn’t going to answer me, but she breathed out a heavy sigh and leaned against a bookshelf.

“I sort of have these trust issues, and it’s usually really hard for me to touch people, or for them to touch me, without me getting all uncomfortable and anxious.”

“So you try to avoid touching people at all costs. ” I surmised, though I was confused. Bella had touched me several times in the past two days and had never looked uncomfortable. I also felt really bad about touching her face this morning, it was so stupid for me to do that. If I would have known…

“Kind of,” she said, interrupting me from my reverie. “ I do okay with shaking hands and other “normal” stuff, but for some reason giving people hugs really bother me.”

“So what do you do in a romantic situation?” Oh god, did I just ask whether she was able to be romantically involved with someone? Good job not trying to not be awkward, Cullen.

“You mean, how am I able to have a sexual relationship?” She said, her eyebrows raising and her voice daring me to say something that would make me want to further dig a hole in which I could crawl into.

“Umm…” was all I got out before she answered me with a laugh.

“Believe me, I am okay with that. Sex doesn’t bother me, I don’t really know why, but it just comes easy to me. Though don‘t try to cuddle with me afterwards,” She shrugged. This was not a good thing for me to know right now. Knowing that sex came “easy” to her was filling me with some very inappropriate images in my head, and it probably meant I would be spending some quality time with “Little Eddie” later this evening. I gulped and really hoped she didn’t notice me shift my pants.

“Oh.” I said, feeling embarrassed for the thousandth time today. “Well, if you don’t like giving people hugs, you don’t have to. I mean with me, if it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll understand.” I was rambling again.

“No!” Bella said, almost yelling. She bit her lip and then came closer to me again, so close, that I could feel her breath on me. Strawberries. Her breath smelled like freshly grown strawberries. I wondered idly of her mouth would also taste like strawberries… Again, thinking about tasting Bella’s mouth was not the best idea right now.

“It’s okay. I didn’t have a problem hugging you, I actually wanted to.” She said, with the last part almost a whisper, almost if she mostly telling herself that.

She looked at me and could tell I was confused, and she continued. “You make me feel...comfortable.  I hugged you because you did something incredibly nice for me, and I wanted to show you how grateful I was that you’re my friend.” Bella said with conviction. My heart soared, she liked being by me, and she was able to do something with me that she couldn’t do with anyone else. Maybe winning over Bella wouldn’t be as hard as I thought.

“I’m glad I make you feel comfortable then. And, if you want you can practice anytime on me.” I said, unconsciously ducking my head down toward her face. Bella had her eyes lowered but I could see her lick her lips, and I just went in for it. First slowly leaning my forehead on hers, and then brushing my nose with hers. Her breath hitched, and mine did in return; I could actually taste the strawberries on her breath now.

I was just mere centimetres away from touching her lips when she turned her head. I leaned back on the bookshelf disappointed and defeated, though I really tried not to let the disappointment show on my face.

“I’m sorry,” Bella whispered, looking away from me.

“I should be the one that’s sorry.” I said, not looking at her either, and instead looking at my shoelaces.

“No, you shouldn’t. It’s my fault. I’m just really fucked up, and everything is just so incredibly complicated when it comes to me. I really need you as a friend, and I don’t know what I’d do if I ruined that.” Bella said, and I looked back up at her. What I saw there broke me, her face was full of pain, and tears threatened to leave her eyes. I never wanted to be the once to cause her pain, even if it meant that I had to hurt myself in order to do it. It had hurt when Bella had not allowed me to kiss her, but I would take that a million times over so I wouldn’t hurt her like that ever again.

“Bella,” I called softly, but she just shook her head and I could see her chest heaving; she was dangerously close to sobbing. I called her name again, but I ignored her protests this time, and wrapped my arms around her so that she was now enveloped in my tight embrace. Her sobs broke out and she leaned her head into my chest.

“Shh, Bella. It’s okay. You’re not going to lose me.” I said soothingly, rubbing my hands on her back. She felt so safe there in my arms, like I could shield the world from her while she was there. I wanted to keep her there forever if that meant I could protect her. If what Bella needed was a friend right now, then that’s what I’d be, no matter how much it killed me to do it.

“You have to listen to me okay? You are not going to lose me as a friend, and you don’t have to beat yourself up about it. If you need me, I’ll be there.” She looked up at me then and I could see the tears that trailed down her cheeks, and it took everything in me not to reach my hand up and wipe them away. I could tell she was about to object, but she stopped herself  and searched for something in my eyes.

“Really?” She asked, and Bella seemed like she had little hope in her. I wondered what would make her feel that way, and I desperately wanted to be the one to give her hope again.

“Really.” I smiled back at her, and she returned it with a small smile of her own. I felt her sigh in my arms and then she moved to break away from my embrace. Even though I’d wished that she would stay there, preferably for the rest of eternity, I’d let her go so she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable again.

“Thank you.” Bella said quietly.

“No problem.” I smiled crookedly to let her know that it really wasn’t a problem. Bella flushed, and smiled as well. Ah, I forgotten how much that smile disarmed her.

I was about to say something when Bella looked down at her watch, and her face became relieved.

“Well, it seems my little breakdown killed the rest of our shift.” Bella said with a laugh. It was a shaky one, but I was glad to hear it.

“Oh,” I said. “I guess that means I will have to talk to my parents all the more sooner.”

“I take it you don’t really want to talk them.”

“Not particularly, no.” I answered as we walked to the break room to clock out. We were pretty much silent after that, and like yesterday, we had this weird tension floating between us. Also like yesterday, we both seemed to have a hard time leaving each other. I could offer to walk her home again, but I had feeling that she would probably refuse. That might be pushing the boundaries of “friend”, and if that made her uncomfortable, I wouldn’t do it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Bella.”

Bella bit her lip, and nodded. “Tomorrow.”

I turned unwillingly to walk away, but Bella called for me and I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Can I call you tonight?” She asked, hope colouring her voice.

I turned back towards her and smiled. “Of course, Bella. Though I may be a bit surly after I talk to my parents, so watch out.”  Bella giggled and I was so incredibly glad to hear that sound again.

“I think I can handle surly Edward.” She said, amused. “Talk to you later, Cullen.”

“Will do, Swan.” I said smiling and walking backwards. I should have known that with my luck that doing that would be the wrong thing to do, because I ended up falling over a box that had been left out on the street, and landed on my ass. I looked up and over to Bella, and the look on my face must have been hilarious,  because Bella was now doubled over in laughter.

Well, at least I could make her laugh.

BPOV
 
I was a horrible person. An horrible, awful, and exceedingly stupid person.

 I had first hugged my incredibly attractive, and nice co-worker, while then proceeding to run away from him and have a break down in the middle of the store. Then, once I had finally got the courage to talk to Edward again, I ended up telling him a part of my miserable life, and then breaking down again. Oh yeah, and I had almost let him kiss me.

After I had my panic attack in the travel section, I had told myself that I could not get closer to Edward, that I was already in too deep and way too attracted to him, and that could make the relationship dangerous for the both of us. He would be my friendly co-worker that I would joke around with at work, but that would be it. No more semi-flirty texts, and definitely no more spontaneous hugs.

When I finally went to go see him, I had resolved to just be light and joking, and not bring up the awkwardness from earlier. But when I saw him standing there, leaning against the bookshelf with his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, I was pulled towards him, almost like a gravity was making me go to him.

He looked like he was stressed, so I wasn’t  surprised that I had scared him again, and really wasn’t surprised that he snapped at me. Though the lack of surprise didn’t help me from not feeling awful, I wanted to make him feel better, not make him feel worse. I noticed that he blushed when he looked at my face, and I could tell her was about to apologize, but I spoke first.

“I Just wanted to see how you were doing…. and apologize.”  I said calmly. I was still resolved to have a normal co-worker relationship with Edward. Little did I know that my resolve would easily crumble.

His eyes shot up, and when he spoke, he sounded almost angry.
“What would you have to apologize for?” His eyes looked confusingly at me.

“I wanted to apologize for hugging you, and then running away. I don’t usually do that sort of thing, and I know we’ve only known each other for a couple days now….” I said.

He told me that it was alright and I didn’t need to apologize. I quickly found that I was being affected by word vomit and I told him that I had issues with hugging people, or rather touching people for that matter, and he looked both surprised and confused. He wanted to know more, and I told him it was complicated; he didn’t need to know my fucked up world, if he did, it would surely scare him away, like everyone else.

Edward pressed the subject though, and as I looked into his eyes, I felt that I could trust him to not judge me for this, and I got an overwhelming feeling of wanting to tell him about me. It must have been that wave of comfort I felt whenever I was in his presence, it made me feel alright with sharing just a bit of my dark secrets.

So I told him about my messed up issues with touching people, and I laughed when he asked if I could be “romantically” involved with someone. Of course a man would be interested in that capability. His face had this weird expression as I told I didn’t really have a problem sexually being with someone, and then I felt super embarrassed by telling him all that, wondering what he thinking about now that he had this information. Maybe I didn’t want to know.

Edward told me that it was okay if I didn’t like hugging him, that I didn’t have to. I was struck by how genuine he was, and how he again was only looking out for me.

I panicked though, because the thought of never touching Edward again was maddening; I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. I knew then that my original idea that Edward could be just a normal co-worker to me was stupid. I needed him, and I knew that I could never escape this magnetic pull that we had between us. Edward had firmly attached himself in my life in last two days, and now I had no intention of letting him go.

It was sort of an unconscious thing, we had become closer and closer to one another during our conversation, and before I knew it, I was close enough to feel Edwards warm breath on my face. I told him that I wanted to hug him, that I liked it, even. Edward’s voice was low and very hypnotic as he told me that I could “practice” on him I could feel him inch closer to my face. My heart fluttered and my breath hitched as I felt him first lean his forehead against mine, and then my heart almost exploded when I felt his nose graze mine. It was indescribable how I felt in that moment. My head was telling me No! Don’t let this happen!, but my body, oh my body, was aching to feel his lips against mine, and I could imagine his warm lips melting into them. I knew they would, just like we had already fit together so well when I was tucked into his side, and when I had latched myself around him in that embarrassing hug.

I wanted to kiss him so bad, and I almost let him, turning only when his lips were just hovering over mine. I just couldn’t do it. Despite how much my body, and even my heart wanted to, I couldn’t. I needed to protect myself, but more importantly I needed to protect Edward. I would inevitably hurt him, and I couldn’t live with myself if I did. The women in my family only brought pain to the ones they cared about the most, crushed them even, and I would let no one, even myself, to do that to him; he was far too precious for that to happen. Our relationship could never escalate, and if I had let him kiss me, it would have. I knew that for sure.

That didn’t mean that pulling away from him didn’t hurt; it hurt me in ways I had never felt before, but it was necessary. When I looked at Edward, the hurt on hus face was clearly visible, though I could tell he was very much trying to hide it. I hated myself for hurting him like that.

I couldn’t help it, I had my second breakdown of the day. Well if he didn’t think you were a loony before, he sure will now, I thought bitterly to myself.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered quietly, looking away from him; I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes.

“I should be the one that’s sorry.” he said, looking down at the floor. He felt embarrassed for doing what he did, and I couldn’t let him feel that way. 

“No, you shouldn’t. It’s my fault. I’m just really fucked up, and everything is just so incredibly complicated when it comes to me. I really need you as a friend, and I don’t know what I’d do if I ruined that.” I said earnestly. The tears began to overflow then, and when Edward look back up at me, his face was contorted in pain. 

See, you’re doing it again! It’s impossible, whatever you do just hurts him. Get out now! Save him, save yourself, my head told me. I was definitely going into the “flight” part of my “fight or flight” mechanism.  


“Bella,” he called softly, and I shook my head. I was getting very close to sobbing and I didn’t want him to see that. He called my name again, and I still refused to look at him. I wanted to escape out of there but I couldn’t move. I was frozen in my spot with my arms wrapped protectively around chest.

Suddenly, I felt warm and strong arms wrap around of me, and I was crushed to Edward’s chest. I let it go then, and sobbed uncontrollably into his chest, most likely staining his uniform with my tears. 

“Shh, Bella. It’s okay. You’re not going to lose me.”  he said as he tried to soothe me by rubbing his hands on my back. I really didn’t understand why he was doing this. I had just rejected him, and now he was comforting me? I  really am an awful person, I thought, and that only made the sobs come harder.

“You have to listen to me okay? You are not going to lose me as a friend, and you don’t have to beat yourself up about it. If you need me, I’ll be there.” There was such conviction his is voice that I had to look at him them. His blue eyes were serious, and there was something else behind them that I couldn’t quite figure out. I was going to tell him that he didn’t need to do that, but I stopped myself. He had really meant it, and I truthfully could not bring myself to tell him that I didn’t need him, because I did need him.

“Really?”  I asked, though I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Or at least more then they already were.

“Really.”  he smiled back at me, and I was able to give him a small, watery smile back. It was amazing how easily Edward could make me feel better. I sighed, wanting to stay in his arms forever, but I knew I couldn’t, so I regrettably extracted myself from his tight hold on me.

“Thank you.” I said quietly.

“No problem.” he said, and he smiled crookedly at me, causing me to flush and smile nervously. Whoa. How did he do that? I wondered idly if he unleashed that half smile on all woman, and if they were rendered just as speechless as I was at the moment.

I looked down at my watch since I wasn’t able to form coherent words yet, and I noticed it was already five o’clock.

“Well, it seems my little breakdown killed the rest of our shift.” I said, trying to make fun of myself. It was my default coping mechanism.

“Oh, I guess that means I will have to talk to my parents all the more sooner.” He said with a grimace.

“I take it you don’t really want to talk them.” I noted. I wanted to tell at least he had parents to talk to, but I rejected that idea. I didn’t know what his relationship was like with his parents, and it was not my place to give him my opinion.

“Not particularly, no.”  He answered with a sigh as we walked together towards the breakroom. We stayed in a mutual silence as we clocked out and walked through the store, neither of us not knowing what to say. When we got outside of the store, I scrambled to find ways to prolong the time before we separated,  however I was coming up with nothing.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Bella.” Edward said first, and he sounded regretful, like he didn’t want to leave either. I felt a little spark of joy and I was glad he felt some attachment to me as well.

I bit my lip and nodded. “Tomorrow.”

I watched him turn to walk away and I blurted out his name in order to stop him.

“Can I call you tonight?” I asked. I wanted to know if we were really good in terms of our friendship. His phone call last night had made my nightmares almost bearable, and I definitely didn’t want to lose that.

He turned quickly back to me, and he smiled at me.  “Of course, Bella. Though I may be a bit surly after I talk to my parents, so watch out.” 

I giggled at his tone, and I watched his smile grow even brighter.

“I think I can handle surly Edward.” I said, amused. “Talk to you later, Cullen.”

“Will do, Swan.” He said, and I watched him walk backwards with a cocky-grin on his face.

Now, I know I really should have warned him, but his cocky smile let me decide otherwise, and I watched with amusement as Edward toppled over a box that been left in the street. If that wasn’t’ funny enough, Edwards bewildered expression pushed me over the edge, and I was now clutching onto a mail box for support as my body rocked with laughter. Edward pouted and I laughed even more, before running over to help him up. He narrowed his eyes in offense as I offered my hand, still laughing, and he took it with a huff.

Once he was upright, he let go of my hand to brush himself off. I, on the other hand, was still vibrating with laughter, though I was trying to keep it in.

“Great. Now that I have thoroughly embarrassed my self enough today, I’m going to go home before a piano falls on me or something.” Edward said, walking forwards this time to walk away from me. I let another laugh escape, and he turned once again to give me the finger, but he had a smile on his face as he did it, so I knew he wasn’t actually mad at me for laughing at him. Well, not too much at least. I rolled my eyes and laughed again before turning myself, and made my way to the subway.

I felt exhausted once I got home, and I laid down on my bed without even bothering to take my uniform off. I was so tired that when my head hit the pillow, I passed out.


****

I was here again.

The sun was beating down heavily and its rays seemed too bright for my eyes. I began to feel the familiar panic that rose in my chest, and my hands became clammy. I started to run, trying to desperately get to my destination as fast as possible, but my running was frustratingly slow; it felt like I was running through quick sand.

The dry heat of my former home stifled me, making my lungs feel heavy and made it almost impossible to catch my breath, but I pushed as hard as I could force my body to go. I would not be too late. I would be faster this time, and I would not see the scene that had constantly replayed in my head for the last decade.

I pushed harder, and I felt the air escape my lungs as I saw the familiar house  come into sight. It looked peaceful, bright. The house was light, with friendly yellow shutters, and there were a couple flowers growing out of the window boxes. Even the cactus in the front yard looked friendly, with one of its prickly arms bent up in a way that looked like it was at waving me.

This house was not one that you would usually associate with terror, or with darkness. But that’s all this home ever was to me. I had learned very early in life that appearances are very different then they seem.

I ran faster, trying to get purchase from the concrete, but unable to do so, coming up the walkway like I was in slow motion. I did finally get to the door, and my fingers trembled around the knob. Please let it not be too late, I prayed, though I don’t know who to. It was clear that no God was ever going to help me.

I pushed on the door and it felt incredibly heavy; I had to shove my shoulder into it in order to get through. All I saw was blackness, and I expected that. It was the scene on the other side that I feared. I heaved a deep breath and ran into the darkness, fully ready to continue running, as I always did, but I stopped dead in my tracks.

I was not in my house anymore. Through the door and through the blackness was not the expected scene. Instead of  a small table and a mirror by the door, there were ferns. There was no hallway, no living room that I barely glanced at anymore. In there place was trees and lush, green foliage. The air around me was cool, and the there was a little light filtering through the tree’s. It looked like the light was giving way to the darkness, though there were still some hints of the day. It was twilight.

I wandered through the ferns and wet grass, not really sure what to do with myself here. I briefly remembered that there had been a reason why I was running, and that this place was not the place that I had wanted to go, but I couldn’t make myself want to go back, and I just kept wandering through the tall grass as the light slowly crept away.

I had been walking for what seemed like forever when I saw a faint, silver glow from a break in the tree’s, and I became entranced by it. I moved quicker, pushing branches and saplings out the way. I needed to get towards the light, but it was not like the need I had felt before, this need was not out of fear, but it was out eagerness, because I knew that if I got to the light, everything would be okay.

When I reached the gap, I noticed that it led to a small and beautiful meadow. There were wildflowers growing in bunches and the grass rippled like water in the breeze. I searched the meadow for where my light had been coming from, and I gasped as I found it. Edward was leaning against a spruce tree, wearing a blue button down and light gray pea coat. He was smiling at me and he beckoned me to come to him with his hand, his skin faintly glowing in the moonlight that now filtered through the tree’s.

I went to him and he gave me a crooked smile, and even in my dream state, it completely took my breath away. Once I had reached him, he took my hand and motioned for me to sit down, never letting go of my hand as I took my seat, and then sat down beside me.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you.” Edward murmured, his eyes hypnotic as he stared at my face.

“Sorry, I couldn’t find my way…” I said, getting completely lost in his eyes. Edward laughed and he moved his hand to trail his hand down my face, and I shivered as he ran a smooth finger over my lips. I parted my lips and Edward chuckled.

“Don’t worry about it, Bella.” Edward said, this time tracing circles on my cheeks with one hand, and lifting his hand to my hair with the other. “It happens to be that I’m a very patient person.” His eyes were bright and he smiled. My heart soared it was so heartbreakingly beautiful. 

“Good.” Was all I said, and I felt him move to lean us back on the grass, so that we were both now lying on our backs, but our faces still faced one another, his hand never leaving my face as we moved. I felt his other arm snake around my waist and pull me closer, so that we were only inches apart.

We laid in silence for the most part, just gazing into each others eyes, and Edward’s hand moving in slow movements from my face to my hair.

Somewhere I got the courage to move my hand to touch his face, and I was amazed about how smooth it was. I traced over his eyebrows, lightly touching the thin skin of his eyelid, and then traced down the line of his nose. When my finger grazed over his lips, Edward stilled my hand in order to kiss my fingers. I shivered again from the feeling.

“Edward?” I asked after a few more moments had passed.

“Bella?” Edward teased, and I laughed before getting all serious again.

“Can you promise me something?”

“Anything.” He said without hesitation. I looked down and played with the buttons of his coat, suddenly embarrassed to ask him what I wanted.

“Stay with me.”

He used his finger to push my chin up to look at him, and then he used the same hand to wipe my face, coming away with moisture. It took me a moment to realize that I was crying. Oh jeez, could I get through any moment with Edward and not cry?

“I’m here, you’re alright.”

“Promise me. Promise me you’ll stay.”  I whimpered, and I watched as Edward’s eyes become sad, and then full of fire.

“I promise you, Bella. I’m not going anywhere,” He said in tone with such fervor that I knew I could believe him. I was filled with such joy and warmth, content to just stay like this forever. I tucked my head under Edward’s chin and allowed my arms wrap around him, bringing myself as close to him as I could. Edward breathed into my hair, and I felt his arms tighten around me.

“Sleep now, Bella. Have happy dreams.” Edward murmured into my hair and I sighed in contentment; I already was having a happy dream.

“Okay.” I mumbled, and I felt his chest vibrate with laughter. Edward’s fingers again found my chin and he lifted it up to look into my eyes.

“Goodnight Bella.” Edward said softly before giving me a very soft and tender kiss to my forehead. I felt my blood boil under my skin at his touch and I moved my head up so I could meet his lips.

I was so close that I could feel the heat radiating off of his lips and my body was eagerly awaiting his kiss when my eyes bolted open.

I was no longer in the meadow. I was back in my bedroom still clad in my Books and Things uniform. I jolted my hand to my forehead, feeling for the moisture of the kiss I knew I had felt. There was none, but I swear I could feel the phantom touch still lingering on my skin.

Holy fuck,  I thought as realization hit me. It had been different. Every time the same thing had happened, I knew the situation off by heart now, but this time it was different. So fucking different. And I knew why that was. The answer was right there in my dream.

Edward.