EPOV
To say that I was eager to get to work this morning was an understatement.
Case in point: Me, the infamous night-owl who never got up before noon to save my life, was wide awake at 7:30 a.m., half an hour before my alarm clock went off. I also probably had a huge ass grin on my face as well, which I knew wasn’t due to the oh-so-inspiring work environment or minimum wage and long hours that greeted me today. This grin, the uncustomary morning grin, was all for Bella.
I got up to have a shower, almost jumping out of my bed, and thought of the conversation Bella and I had last night. I was surprised that she texted me last night, not expecting to hear from her so soon, but pretty damn happy that she did nonetheless.
Her text had woken me up while I was sleeping on my couch. I almost thought the buzzing was coming from The Simpson’s rerun that was on my t.v., and only realized it was my phone the second time it vibrated.
I picked it up, expecting it to be a random message from Emmett, or the guys trying to get me to the bar since the fact that it was a Monday night would not deter my two best friends, Garret and Seth, from going bar hopping.
When I saw it was Bella, I couldn’t help but smile at her message. I could tell that she was trying to flirt with me a bit, teasing me about my earlier messages.
I teased her back, and I was surprised that she felt bad for waking me up. I couldn’t let her feel bad; I would let her interrupt anything, if she wanted to talk to me. I knew that it was a sign that I was falling hard for Bella already, but I didn’t really care, choosing to live in the here and now.
I couldn’t believe her when she told me that she had been watching me at work, since practically all I did during my shift was look at her; and when she said that she saw me rake my hands through my hair (which I did quite often), it floored me. She was watching me. Probably the whole time.
This new information made me incredibly happy, reinforcing the idea that this whole thing with Bella wasn’t one sided, and I decided to call her on a whim. She seemed shocked that I had actually called her, but she warmed up to me quickly, and we were joking and flirting in no time.
There was though, something off about Bella when she was speaking to me. Something that she was very much trying to hide. Even through her joking, I could hear an emotion that I couldn’t put my finger on, and I desperately wanted to unravel the way her brain worked.
To say that I was eager to get to work this morning was an understatement.
Case in point: Me, the infamous night-owl who never got up before noon to save my life, was wide awake at 7:30 a.m., half an hour before my alarm clock went off. I also probably had a huge ass grin on my face as well, which I knew wasn’t due to the oh-so-inspiring work environment or minimum wage and long hours that greeted me today. This grin, the uncustomary morning grin, was all for Bella.
I got up to have a shower, almost jumping out of my bed, and thought of the conversation Bella and I had last night. I was surprised that she texted me last night, not expecting to hear from her so soon, but pretty damn happy that she did nonetheless.
Her text had woken me up while I was sleeping on my couch. I almost thought the buzzing was coming from The Simpson’s rerun that was on my t.v., and only realized it was my phone the second time it vibrated.
I picked it up, expecting it to be a random message from Emmett, or the guys trying to get me to the bar since the fact that it was a Monday night would not deter my two best friends, Garret and Seth, from going bar hopping.
When I saw it was Bella, I couldn’t help but smile at her message. I could tell that she was trying to flirt with me a bit, teasing me about my earlier messages.
I teased her back, and I was surprised that she felt bad for waking me up. I couldn’t let her feel bad; I would let her interrupt anything, if she wanted to talk to me. I knew that it was a sign that I was falling hard for Bella already, but I didn’t really care, choosing to live in the here and now.
I couldn’t believe her when she told me that she had been watching me at work, since practically all I did during my shift was look at her; and when she said that she saw me rake my hands through my hair (which I did quite often), it floored me. She was watching me. Probably the whole time.
This new information made me incredibly happy, reinforcing the idea that this whole thing with Bella wasn’t one sided, and I decided to call her on a whim. She seemed shocked that I had actually called her, but she warmed up to me quickly, and we were joking and flirting in no time.
There was though, something off about Bella when she was speaking to me. Something that she was very much trying to hide. Even through her joking, I could hear an emotion that I couldn’t put my finger on, and I desperately wanted to unravel the way her brain worked.
*****
I still had a huge ass grin on my face when I got to work early. I tried to kill time between my shower and when I had to be at work, stopping at Starbucks to get a coffee. I didn’t really need my caffeine fix today since I was pretty much high on life, or rather, high on Bella, but I figured I might crash this afternoon if I didn’t. I thought that maybe Bella would need coffee as well this morning; she had told me she couldn’t sleep last night.
I ordered two black coffees since I didn’t what Bella liked, and grabbed a pile of sugars and creamers for her to choose from and stuffed them in my pocket. As I made my way down the street towards work, I hoped that maybe the walk to work would calm me down and allow me to change my expression to something that did not resemble a raving lunatic. Apparently, that was a lost cause from the start, the walk only pulling me more towards Books and Things, and towards Bella, widening my grin, and probably scaring people with my ridiculous smile.
Once I arrived at work, it took a lot of effort to look somewhat normal, but I was able to finally compose my face into what I hoped was a cool, casual expression. Yeah, I really liked Bella, but my shit eating grin would probably not be the best thing at the moment, unless I wanted her to ship me off to the mad house.
I went to the break room to hang out a bit before my shift started, and I was surprised to find Bella there curled up on the small sofa, sleeping.
The image of Bella curled up on that sofa would have been beautiful, but I was quick to see that Bella was not having a peaceful sleep. Her face was pinched and her brows were furrowed, almost like she was in physical pain. I put down the coffee and crept quietly towards her, noticing that when I got closer, I could see her eyes moving rapidly under her eyelids. Bella was dreaming, and judging by her expression now, her dreams were not pleasant.
I was frozen in front of her. I wanted to soothe her, help her, but I didn’t know what to do. I just knew that I wanted to ease any pain that she was feeling now.
“Edward,” I heard Bella mumble in anguish. I took a sharp intake of breath, thinking for a moment I had woken her up, but she still had her eyes closed. She was dreaming about me, and I hoped I wasn’t the reason for the pain on her face and the anguish in her voice.
“Edward,” she called again, her voice clearer now and breaking in pain. That break in her voice was what finally forced me to move the last couple feet towards her, and I crouched so my face was level with hers.
“Shh, Bella. I’m here,” I said in the most calming voice I could muster.
“Edward?” Bella was still asleep, but somewhere in her subconscious, she heard me. I saw her features loosen a little, and I hoped just talking to her was helping her; I really didn’t know what else to do.
“Yes, Bella?”
Bella whimpered, and fear bolted through me. What could trap her in her dreams like that?
“Stay with me,” she said, clearly and quietly.
“I’m here, you’re alright.” I tried to soothe her, but I could hear the anguish in my own voice; her pain was cutting at me like it was my own.
“Promise me. Promise me you’ll stay.”
“I promise you, Bella, I’m not going anywhere,” I said, pushing a strand of her hair off her face, and tucking it behind her ear. Either my words or the physical contact had done something right, because Bella’s features almost completely relaxed, save for a small ‘v’ that was still in between her eyebrows.
I trailed my hand from her ear, down her cheek, and to the line of her jaw, not sure if I was being helpful or borderline creepy, but I treasured the feel of skin on my fingertips.
I kept going along her jaw, to her chin, and when I had my thumb hovering above her lower lip, I saw Bella shiver, I pulled my hand away quickly, just getting it out the way before she awoke.
I heard Bella sigh and saw her eyes flutter open. She seemed confused at first, like her eyes were unable to focus, and then her eyes widened at me. I then realised that I was pretty fucking close to her, and that it would probably startle anyone if their co-worker was hovering over them while they slept.
Great, she was going to think I was some creepy stalker.
“Edward?” she asked, confusion written all over face.
“Hey,” I answered quietly.
“What are you doing?” It took me a second to realize that she was referring to my close proximity to her, and I stumbled over my words trying to explain without sounding creepy. Something like “I like watching you sleep” would not go over well.
“I was err, just bringing you coffee, and then I found you asleep, but you looked like you were having a bad dream, so I uh, tried to wake you up.” Real smooth there, Cullen.
“And you thought the best way to do that was to be an inch away from my face?” Bella asked me incredulously; she saw right through me.
“Yes.”
Bella quirked her eyebrow at me but said nothing more, and moved to a sitting position on the couch. I stood up awkwardly and stuffed my hands in my pockets. I felt like an idiot. I shouldn’t have been so close to her, I shouldn’t have touched her. What if she had caught me? It was all very innocent, but I had no clue if she would want me to touch her, especially when she was so vulnerable in her sleep.
I heard Bella stretch out and then sigh.
“So, you brought me coffee?” she asked, bringing me out of my reverie.
I looked back to where the two coffee cups had been sitting and looked back at her. She looked oddly touched by my simple gesture.
“Oh, yeah,” I said, bringing her cup to her and taking a sip from mine.
“How’d you know what I liked?”
“I didn’t. I just got you a regular coffee, but I did bring this,” I smiled and pulled out from my pocket a heaping pile of coffee creamers, that ranged from full fat to non-fat, white sugar, raw sugar, and Sweet and Low, topped off with a half a dozen stir sticks and napkins, and dumped it all on the coffee table in front of her. Bella looked at the pile, looked at me, and then looked back at the pile once more before looking at me like I had just given her a puppy.
“Edward, you didn’t need to do that,” she said, clutching onto her coffee.
“Sure I did. I figured since I was the one who called you last night and kept you talking late, you would need a caffeine fix today.” I said, giving her my crooked smile. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do because her eyes began to tear up.
Shit, what did I do. Fuck. I made her cry. I didn’t want to make her cry.
“Oh Bella, don’t cry. I’m sorry. I…” I really didn’t know what I a was apologizing for, or if it was even me making her cry, but I again had the urge to ease her pain in any way possible. Maybe this was a trait I had picked up from my father, his overwhelming need to help people was bound to rub off on me some how.
Bella shook head and smiled this huge smile, stopping me from rambling further.
“No, no, I’m not sad. I’m just so surprised. Nobody has ever done that for me.” Bella looked like she was about to tackle me with a bear hug, which I really wouldn’t mind at all, but her reaction was just so odd. It was just a three dollar coffee, she made it sound like I had given her the world.
“Bought you coffee?” I asked incredulously.
“No. Nobody has taken care of me like that. At least, not without some sort of forced obligation.“ Bella was still smiling, but her eyes were sad again.
So Bella was someone who cared for herself, and from the way that she made it sound, she had been doing it for a long time now. It was a small piece to the puzzle that was Bella’s brain, but it made me understand her a little bit more.
“Well, I don’t mind looking out for you.” I paused. “Tell you what, every time we work the same shift, I’ll bring you coffee, ‘kay?”
“Edward, you don’t -”
“Yes I do. I want to. If it’s something that makes you happy, I’ll do it.” I said, interrupting her. She opened her mouth to disagree with me again, and I stopped her.
“I won’t take no for an answer, Swan.”
“I was just going to tell you I like vanilla lattes,” she said shyly.
“I’ll remember that then.” I smiled as she grabbed two packets of 2% milk and dumped it into her coffee. Bella closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of the coffee, sighing in contentment afterward. Her actions were completely normal, but incredibly erotic.
I was getting turned on by this? Oh God, Bella would be my undoing.
Bella looked up from her coffee and patted the seat beside her, gesturing for me to sit down. I sat down as close to the other end of the sofa I could get, worried that I would startle her with being too close again. I took another sip of my coffee in silence, not at all knowing what to say.
Wouldn’t you know it though, Bella surprised me again. One minute I was sitting as far from Bella as possible, and in the next, Bella had inched her way beside me, so close that I could feel her body heat radiate onto me. She then rested her head on my shoulder, relaxing into me. I stiffened at first, not expecting such close contact at all, but then quickly melted into Bella’s side as well. It felt so easy, so comfortable. I had noticed earlier how my contact had calmed her during her dream, and even now I could see it was making her feel more calm and serene, but it was the first time I noticed how her contact soothed me. With Bella tucked into my side, I felt more complete then I have ever felt in my life.
I realized there, on that small little sofa in the employee break room of Books and Things, that I could very easily fall in love with Bella; it would be almost effortless. Hell, I was already on the way there; she already had a hold on me, and our mutual comfort was an example of that. I didn’t know her well enough to say that I loved her yet, but I hoped that someday I could. It was a strong enough feeling for me to try and stick around, no matter what Bella wanted from me.
We sat in silence for a long time, just comfortable with each other’s company until Bella looked down at her watch and noticed it was time for us to be on the floor. I regretfully pulled myself away from her and helped her up off the sofa.
“Thank you,” Bella said, blushing. I realized that Bella was still grasping my hand, and the sparks that ran between us yesterday were more than alive and well today.
“It’s really no problem, Bella.”
“I mean for everything. You have no idea what it means to me.” She was smiling at me, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. It was the sadness of someone who has known their fair share of pain. I wanted to take that sadness away from her, even for a few moments.
“I’m glad to do it. What are friends for, right?” I said, smiling. She blushed and let go of my hand, and walked ahead of me to go out the door.
I was still standing in the same spot where she left me, when I was suddenly pulled into a tight hug.
“I’m glad you’re my friend then,” Bella said, and rushed quickly out the door, not even giving me time to respond. My arms were hanging limp the entire time since I was dumbfounded. I didn’t expect the hug, but when did I ever expect Bella’s reactions? She always did the opposite of what I thought she was going to do. I guess with Bella, you just had to expect the unexpected.
I rather liked that.
I still had a huge ass grin on my face when I got to work early. I tried to kill time between my shower and when I had to be at work, stopping at Starbucks to get a coffee. I didn’t really need my caffeine fix today since I was pretty much high on life, or rather, high on Bella, but I figured I might crash this afternoon if I didn’t. I thought that maybe Bella would need coffee as well this morning; she had told me she couldn’t sleep last night.
I ordered two black coffees since I didn’t what Bella liked, and grabbed a pile of sugars and creamers for her to choose from and stuffed them in my pocket. As I made my way down the street towards work, I hoped that maybe the walk to work would calm me down and allow me to change my expression to something that did not resemble a raving lunatic. Apparently, that was a lost cause from the start, the walk only pulling me more towards Books and Things, and towards Bella, widening my grin, and probably scaring people with my ridiculous smile.
Once I arrived at work, it took a lot of effort to look somewhat normal, but I was able to finally compose my face into what I hoped was a cool, casual expression. Yeah, I really liked Bella, but my shit eating grin would probably not be the best thing at the moment, unless I wanted her to ship me off to the mad house.
I went to the break room to hang out a bit before my shift started, and I was surprised to find Bella there curled up on the small sofa, sleeping.
The image of Bella curled up on that sofa would have been beautiful, but I was quick to see that Bella was not having a peaceful sleep. Her face was pinched and her brows were furrowed, almost like she was in physical pain. I put down the coffee and crept quietly towards her, noticing that when I got closer, I could see her eyes moving rapidly under her eyelids. Bella was dreaming, and judging by her expression now, her dreams were not pleasant.
I was frozen in front of her. I wanted to soothe her, help her, but I didn’t know what to do. I just knew that I wanted to ease any pain that she was feeling now.
“Edward,” I heard Bella mumble in anguish. I took a sharp intake of breath, thinking for a moment I had woken her up, but she still had her eyes closed. She was dreaming about me, and I hoped I wasn’t the reason for the pain on her face and the anguish in her voice.
“Edward,” she called again, her voice clearer now and breaking in pain. That break in her voice was what finally forced me to move the last couple feet towards her, and I crouched so my face was level with hers.
“Shh, Bella. I’m here,” I said in the most calming voice I could muster.
“Edward?” Bella was still asleep, but somewhere in her subconscious, she heard me. I saw her features loosen a little, and I hoped just talking to her was helping her; I really didn’t know what else to do.
“Yes, Bella?”
Bella whimpered, and fear bolted through me. What could trap her in her dreams like that?
“Stay with me,” she said, clearly and quietly.
“I’m here, you’re alright.” I tried to soothe her, but I could hear the anguish in my own voice; her pain was cutting at me like it was my own.
“Promise me. Promise me you’ll stay.”
“I promise you, Bella, I’m not going anywhere,” I said, pushing a strand of her hair off her face, and tucking it behind her ear. Either my words or the physical contact had done something right, because Bella’s features almost completely relaxed, save for a small ‘v’ that was still in between her eyebrows.
I trailed my hand from her ear, down her cheek, and to the line of her jaw, not sure if I was being helpful or borderline creepy, but I treasured the feel of skin on my fingertips.
I kept going along her jaw, to her chin, and when I had my thumb hovering above her lower lip, I saw Bella shiver, I pulled my hand away quickly, just getting it out the way before she awoke.
I heard Bella sigh and saw her eyes flutter open. She seemed confused at first, like her eyes were unable to focus, and then her eyes widened at me. I then realised that I was pretty fucking close to her, and that it would probably startle anyone if their co-worker was hovering over them while they slept.
Great, she was going to think I was some creepy stalker.
“Edward?” she asked, confusion written all over face.
“Hey,” I answered quietly.
“What are you doing?” It took me a second to realize that she was referring to my close proximity to her, and I stumbled over my words trying to explain without sounding creepy. Something like “I like watching you sleep” would not go over well.
“I was err, just bringing you coffee, and then I found you asleep, but you looked like you were having a bad dream, so I uh, tried to wake you up.” Real smooth there, Cullen.
“And you thought the best way to do that was to be an inch away from my face?” Bella asked me incredulously; she saw right through me.
“Yes.”
Bella quirked her eyebrow at me but said nothing more, and moved to a sitting position on the couch. I stood up awkwardly and stuffed my hands in my pockets. I felt like an idiot. I shouldn’t have been so close to her, I shouldn’t have touched her. What if she had caught me? It was all very innocent, but I had no clue if she would want me to touch her, especially when she was so vulnerable in her sleep.
I heard Bella stretch out and then sigh.
“So, you brought me coffee?” she asked, bringing me out of my reverie.
I looked back to where the two coffee cups had been sitting and looked back at her. She looked oddly touched by my simple gesture.
“Oh, yeah,” I said, bringing her cup to her and taking a sip from mine.
“How’d you know what I liked?”
“I didn’t. I just got you a regular coffee, but I did bring this,” I smiled and pulled out from my pocket a heaping pile of coffee creamers, that ranged from full fat to non-fat, white sugar, raw sugar, and Sweet and Low, topped off with a half a dozen stir sticks and napkins, and dumped it all on the coffee table in front of her. Bella looked at the pile, looked at me, and then looked back at the pile once more before looking at me like I had just given her a puppy.
“Edward, you didn’t need to do that,” she said, clutching onto her coffee.
“Sure I did. I figured since I was the one who called you last night and kept you talking late, you would need a caffeine fix today.” I said, giving her my crooked smile. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do because her eyes began to tear up.
Shit, what did I do. Fuck. I made her cry. I didn’t want to make her cry.
“Oh Bella, don’t cry. I’m sorry. I…” I really didn’t know what I a was apologizing for, or if it was even me making her cry, but I again had the urge to ease her pain in any way possible. Maybe this was a trait I had picked up from my father, his overwhelming need to help people was bound to rub off on me some how.
Bella shook head and smiled this huge smile, stopping me from rambling further.
“No, no, I’m not sad. I’m just so surprised. Nobody has ever done that for me.” Bella looked like she was about to tackle me with a bear hug, which I really wouldn’t mind at all, but her reaction was just so odd. It was just a three dollar coffee, she made it sound like I had given her the world.
“Bought you coffee?” I asked incredulously.
“No. Nobody has taken care of me like that. At least, not without some sort of forced obligation.“ Bella was still smiling, but her eyes were sad again.
So Bella was someone who cared for herself, and from the way that she made it sound, she had been doing it for a long time now. It was a small piece to the puzzle that was Bella’s brain, but it made me understand her a little bit more.
“Well, I don’t mind looking out for you.” I paused. “Tell you what, every time we work the same shift, I’ll bring you coffee, ‘kay?”
“Edward, you don’t -”
“Yes I do. I want to. If it’s something that makes you happy, I’ll do it.” I said, interrupting her. She opened her mouth to disagree with me again, and I stopped her.
“I won’t take no for an answer, Swan.”
“I was just going to tell you I like vanilla lattes,” she said shyly.
“I’ll remember that then.” I smiled as she grabbed two packets of 2% milk and dumped it into her coffee. Bella closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of the coffee, sighing in contentment afterward. Her actions were completely normal, but incredibly erotic.
I was getting turned on by this? Oh God, Bella would be my undoing.
Bella looked up from her coffee and patted the seat beside her, gesturing for me to sit down. I sat down as close to the other end of the sofa I could get, worried that I would startle her with being too close again. I took another sip of my coffee in silence, not at all knowing what to say.
Wouldn’t you know it though, Bella surprised me again. One minute I was sitting as far from Bella as possible, and in the next, Bella had inched her way beside me, so close that I could feel her body heat radiate onto me. She then rested her head on my shoulder, relaxing into me. I stiffened at first, not expecting such close contact at all, but then quickly melted into Bella’s side as well. It felt so easy, so comfortable. I had noticed earlier how my contact had calmed her during her dream, and even now I could see it was making her feel more calm and serene, but it was the first time I noticed how her contact soothed me. With Bella tucked into my side, I felt more complete then I have ever felt in my life.
I realized there, on that small little sofa in the employee break room of Books and Things, that I could very easily fall in love with Bella; it would be almost effortless. Hell, I was already on the way there; she already had a hold on me, and our mutual comfort was an example of that. I didn’t know her well enough to say that I loved her yet, but I hoped that someday I could. It was a strong enough feeling for me to try and stick around, no matter what Bella wanted from me.
We sat in silence for a long time, just comfortable with each other’s company until Bella looked down at her watch and noticed it was time for us to be on the floor. I regretfully pulled myself away from her and helped her up off the sofa.
“Thank you,” Bella said, blushing. I realized that Bella was still grasping my hand, and the sparks that ran between us yesterday were more than alive and well today.
“It’s really no problem, Bella.”
“I mean for everything. You have no idea what it means to me.” She was smiling at me, but I could see the sadness in her eyes. It was the sadness of someone who has known their fair share of pain. I wanted to take that sadness away from her, even for a few moments.
“I’m glad to do it. What are friends for, right?” I said, smiling. She blushed and let go of my hand, and walked ahead of me to go out the door.
I was still standing in the same spot where she left me, when I was suddenly pulled into a tight hug.
“I’m glad you’re my friend then,” Bella said, and rushed quickly out the door, not even giving me time to respond. My arms were hanging limp the entire time since I was dumbfounded. I didn’t expect the hug, but when did I ever expect Bella’s reactions? She always did the opposite of what I thought she was going to do. I guess with Bella, you just had to expect the unexpected.
I rather liked that.
BPOV
I don’t hug people. Ever. I even have a strict “no hugging” policy between me and the rest of the world. Even with past boyfriends, who I wasn’t exactly chaste with, I never hugged, or even cuddled with them for that matter. As far as I was concerned they could do me, then get back to their side of the bed.
I don’t even let my closest friend Rosalie Hale hug me. She understood that even though she couldn’t hug me, it didn’t mean that I regarded her any less of a friend.
I couldn’t avoid the whole hugging thing when I had been with guys who were overly touchy-feely. When they did try to hug me, I would usually stand there like a limp noodle, not knowing what to with my body. They would get offended of course, and that would mean those boyfriends, lovers, whatever they were, didn’t last long.
One of my psychiatrists told me it probably had something to do with some deep rooted trust issues from my childhood, blah blah blah, and that I needed to learn to trust people, that not everyone is out there to hurt me. Of course I knew that, it wasn’t the logical part of my brain that allowed the crazy to come out in me. It was just easier said than done to trust people, especially considering my past.
So what came over me to give Edward the biggest hug I have given in years was beyond me. I just needed to, wanted to even. He had taken care of me, even though I had hadn’t asked him to. He might have thought it was just coffee, but to me, it was one of the nicest things someone had ever done for me. No one had ever tried to look out for me before like that, and I nearly cried when he pulled out what looked like half the coffee creamers and sugar packets in Manhattan from his pocket. He had explained to me that he didn’t know what I wanted, so he brought them all, and he had just such a genuine smile on his face, I nearly broke down in front of him.
Maybe part of it was also that being close to Edward made me feel better. No, not just better, but good, whole, for once. I had even felt it in my dream, and even though I couldn’t really remember what the dream was about, I just knew it was unpleasant as usual. But I somehow felt Edward’s presence in my dream, and I could swear I could feel his touch on my face. That touch had changed everything. I went from fear and dread to undeniable calm. When I woke up, I was completely surprised to see him there, just inches away from my face. He looked worried, and I was scared that he heard me talk in my sleep, or worse, heard me scream, which I was known to do. He only mentioned that he thought I was having a bad dream, no talking, so I breathed a sigh of relief over that. No need for Cullen to know how truly fucked up I was.
When he moved away to stand in front of me, I almost couldn’t stand him being that far from me, it was like every nerve in my body ached to be closer. I was so relieved when he sat down beside me, though for some reason, he sat as far as away as he could possibly could, and I remedied that problem by tucking myself into his side, and resting my head on his shoulder. I don’t hug people. Ever. I even have a strict “no hugging” policy between me and the rest of the world. Even with past boyfriends, who I wasn’t exactly chaste with, I never hugged, or even cuddled with them for that matter. As far as I was concerned they could do me, then get back to their side of the bed.
I don’t even let my closest friend Rosalie Hale hug me. She understood that even though she couldn’t hug me, it didn’t mean that I regarded her any less of a friend.
I couldn’t avoid the whole hugging thing when I had been with guys who were overly touchy-feely. When they did try to hug me, I would usually stand there like a limp noodle, not knowing what to with my body. They would get offended of course, and that would mean those boyfriends, lovers, whatever they were, didn’t last long.
One of my psychiatrists told me it probably had something to do with some deep rooted trust issues from my childhood, blah blah blah, and that I needed to learn to trust people, that not everyone is out there to hurt me. Of course I knew that, it wasn’t the logical part of my brain that allowed the crazy to come out in me. It was just easier said than done to trust people, especially considering my past.
So what came over me to give Edward the biggest hug I have given in years was beyond me. I just needed to, wanted to even. He had taken care of me, even though I had hadn’t asked him to. He might have thought it was just coffee, but to me, it was one of the nicest things someone had ever done for me. No one had ever tried to look out for me before like that, and I nearly cried when he pulled out what looked like half the coffee creamers and sugar packets in Manhattan from his pocket. He had explained to me that he didn’t know what I wanted, so he brought them all, and he had just such a genuine smile on his face, I nearly broke down in front of him.
Maybe part of it was also that being close to Edward made me feel better. No, not just better, but good, whole, for once. I had even felt it in my dream, and even though I couldn’t really remember what the dream was about, I just knew it was unpleasant as usual. But I somehow felt Edward’s presence in my dream, and I could swear I could feel his touch on my face. That touch had changed everything. I went from fear and dread to undeniable calm. When I woke up, I was completely surprised to see him there, just inches away from my face. He looked worried, and I was scared that he heard me talk in my sleep, or worse, heard me scream, which I was known to do. He only mentioned that he thought I was having a bad dream, no talking, so I breathed a sigh of relief over that. No need for Cullen to know how truly fucked up I was.
He was so warm, and my God, his smell! His cologne was intoxicating, but it couldn’t cover his natural musky male scent. I couldn’t put my finger on why his smell was speaking to me on such a deep level, but I could sit here all day like this, breathing him in. Though that might not exactly be an appropriate use of my time.
He rested his cheek on my head, and I could feel him settle into me, just as much as I had melted into his side moments earlier. I felt totally content, and I didn’t want to let go, but we had a shift to start. I didn't want to let go, and I grasped onto him for as long as possible, not even letting go of his hand after he had helped me up. I didn’t want this feeling to go away.
He really didn’t know what he did today meant to me, what his simple presence had did for me, and he would think I was crazy if I told him. I had tried to leave before I could start blubbering again, but there was a pull towards Edward that I couldn’t deny, I just wanted to feel him again. So I ran up to where I had left him, and hugged him with all my strength, taking in the feeling of his body against mine. I bolted before he could even react, just sputtering out “I’m glad you’re my friend”, before I made it through the door.
I didn’t stop moving until I made it to the travel section, a favorite hide out of mine at the store. I would usually go there when I felt stressed or if I had a bad day. I would go there and flip through all the travel books, looking at all the places I could probably never afford to go to, making up imaginary trips, the most recent one being a backpacking trip across Eastern Europe in which I planned to visit Vlad the Impaler’s aka Dracula’s castle, in Romania.
But I didn’t stop to look at the books this time, I only stopped when I got to the furthest corner of the section, crouching down into a ball and holding my head in hands. I was panicking. A stupid, ridiculous reaction to be having right now. I had wanted to touch Edward, I wanted him to touch me. But I couldn’t get over this overwhelming feeling that me needing him like this would only fuck things up. My life was pretty fucking complicated already, and adding on my inappropriate need for Edward was only making things worse.
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