Chapter 5

BPOV

I was sitting on my bed and I was still in shock. My nightmare had not only varied for the first time since I was nine, it had completely done a one-eighty. It took me from the trapping sun and heat of my first home in Phoenix, to the cool safety of Forks, stopping my nightmare before its gruesome conclusion, and replacing it with a beautiful dream. 

My hands kept roaming over the places I swear I felt him touch, my jaw, my cheeks, my lips, my forehead, and I became disappointed as I of course felt no lingering heat there. In the places where our bodies had touched, there was an odd vacancy to it, it almost hurt to lose the closeness we had, despite the fact it didn’t actually happen. For the first time in years, I wished I was asleep again.

What I couldn’t get over was that it had all felt so real. My nightmares had always felt very real, but never my good dreams. I could even remember the soft skin that I had felt on Edward’s face with my fingers, and I wanted try it out in person as soon as possible so I could compare the dream to reality, though I doubted that it could be as magical as my dream.

I was so amazed that this could happen, and I was in awe that Edward’s presence in my life the last couple days had the ability to make me feel the way I did, in both real life and in my dreams. You can’t let go of this one, my own brain selfishly thought. I had already felt Edward act as a soothing balm to my fears and anxiety’s, and if his presence in my life had the ability to edit my nightmares, then it was very tempting not to let Edward go, ever.

But what would we be then? Would we be just friends as he had promised? Or would I let it get further? I had wanted to kiss him in the store, I had even initiated it in my dream, and I knew it would be easy to give in, but I couldn’t. I had to keep him out of that, out of that part of my life. He wasn’t a Mike, and he wasn’t a Tyler; he was not someone I would be able to separate the sexual and the emotional, and for my survival, that was completely necessary.

It would be disastrous if I ever fell in l...fuck, I couldn’t even think the word, if I ever cared for him too much… I shook my head. No, that couldn’t happen. I would hurt, he would hurt, and he would leave. Leave just like my dad did, two fucking days after my seventh birthday. My mother pushed him away with her love, and if there was one thing I knew, I knew how much love gave someone the power to break you.

Edward and I being together would only lead to two possibilities: Edward could one day leave, and that would strike the final nail in coffin that housed my sanity, or I could hurt him. Hurt him so badly that I would taint his beautiful, precious soul, and that would hurt me far more then anything else he could ever do to me. He deserved so much better then that.

So Edward and I would be friends, great ones even, which I know we would be, as I was already getting closer to him then I was to even Rose or Jasper, but he couldn’t not love me, or I him, and that would always have to be off the table for us. I sucked in a ragged breath and was surprised by how much that thought actually hurt me, and I got up before I could cry once more today.

I ripped off my uniform in quick movements and headed to my bathroom to shower, not even bothering to throw on a robe or anything. I lived alone and I doubted that someone paid that close attention to me. I turned the knob on my shower until it was the perfect temperature, and hopped in without a glance at my reflection in the mirror this time.

I scrubbed my body mechanically, scrubbing harder in some areas, and barely going over others. For example, the long, thin scars that were scattered across my back from where his belt cut into me, I always avoided. I was always afraid they would rip open if I touched them, even though they were over a decade old now.

I really wanted to know what my mother was thinking when she invited that man into our house, but who really knew what my mother was thinking in any decision she had made. She had just always given into what her emotions told her to do, usually never thinking of the consequences. That’s what happened with him, one day it was just me and her, and the next day I find a strange, and vile man in my kitchen. He probably promised her the “stars and the moon”, or maybe just a good time, either way she fell for it, and I of course paid the price for her decision.

I forced my eyes shut as images flashed across my vision. His hands grabbing me as I tried to run away, the glint of the buckle as he raised it in his hands, the frightening speed it stuck me with, and my white t-shirt marked with red streaks from where his belt had repeatedly lashed at me. There was blood, always blood….

“FUCK!” I yelled out as I slammed my hands into the tile. It hurt, but I welcomed the pain.

“See what you did? See what you fucking did to your own daughter?” I cursed towards the ceiling. “You didn’t care what he did to me, did you? Didn’t care what you did to me, what all the messed up shit still does to me? I fucking hate you!” I screamed, not caring if my neighbors heard me or not, they could go fuck themselves if they did. 

I hated her, I loved her.

I did not cry as my knees sunk towards the tile, and there was no tears as I  laid my head on the floor near my knees. The only moisture came from the water pelting my face from above. I was numb.

*****

I laid in the shower until the hot water ran out, and when it did, I stiffly got up, wrapped myself in a towel, and trudged back to my bedroom. I threw on the first pair of pajamas I could find, and laid back down on my bed. I was in no mood to watch television or read a book, so I was staring at the ceiling. My eyes weren’t focusing on the details in the ceiling anymore though, they weren’t focusing on anything at the moment. I don’t know how long I laid like that, not thinking, but I was shocked back to life when I heard a chirping to the left of me. I looked over, and noticed my phone was a lit up. I reached for it and looked at the screen. It was a text message, and I felt a warmth spread through me as I read who it was from. I clicked it open, and even found myself smiling as read it.

Are you still awake? -E.
No.  I happen to have the ability to text in my sleep. I joked, and I marveled at how quickly I had been able to turn my mood around.

Do you also have the ability to talk on the phone? Edward asked, playing along.  I promise   I‘m an Edward of the non-surly variety.
 
Well, there’s a deal breaker right there. My sleep self only deals with surly Edwards. -B. I was actually a little disappointed that I wasn’t going to get Edward all pissed off.

You better wake up then, because I ‘m calling you right now. He warned, and true to his word, my phone was ringing seconds later.

“Hello?” I answered with a smile.

“Hello Bella, and how are you this fine evening?” Edward said overly formal, no doubt because I chastised him yesterday about proper greetings.

“I’m alright.” I giggled, because it was true, at least now. “Though you don’t have to be so formal. If I do recall, I just stipulated about saying hello.”

“Take it as me being thorough.” He said and I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Whatever floats your boat, Cullen.” I said, and I heard him laugh on the other line. “How did your talk with your parents go?”

“Fine, I guess.” Edward sighed into the phone, “ I’ve had the same conversation with them a million times, so I kind of know what to expect by now. They want me to stay at home and not live in this shitty apartment, they want to give me money so I don’t have to work at a shitty job….” He paused. “No offence.”

“None taken.” I laughed, “My career at Books and Things is not exactly the highlight of my life right now,” I didn’t mention what actually was the highlight of my life, or rather who was. “Though I’m kind of confused. You’re parents are offering you money and you won’t take it?” I didn’t really understand why he would reject such a thing. Most people our age would gladly take hand-outs from their parents.

“That’s correct.” He answered simply.

 I wasn’t going to get it out of him easily, but since had pushed to know things about me, I was sure as hell going to push to learn things about him.

“Right,  so you’re parents seem like they are pretty well off, since you are able to have a library with a rolling ladder thing.”  Edward laughed at the last part, and I fought the urge to tell him to shut up, and I kept going with my inquires.  “So I don’t get what the deal is. If your parents can afford to do it, then why won’t you? Let them help, I mean.”

“You’ll think it’s stupid.”

“Try me.” I said. Edward sighed once again.

“I don’t like taking money from my parents because it make me feel incredibly guilty. They have done so much for me already, doing far more then they ever needed to do, and even though they offer it up freely, I can’t take it willingly. I also don’t want to end up one of those trust-fund kids that never do anything for themselves. I want to make something of my own.” Edward said with fervour.

I got the second part well, hell, I was doing pretty much the same thing, trying to take control of myself and my future, though I didn’t understand why he would feel guilty.

“But isn’t that what parents are supposed to do?” I asked. At least what ‘good’ parents do?
 
“They have, but they never had to.” He answered. My God, we were going in circles with this. Cullen is much better at being evasive then I am, and he probably doesn’t even try to do it.

“I’m…confused.” I said truthfully. Edward sounded exasperated when spoke again, and I could picture him pinching the bridge of his nose, like he done earlier today at work.

“Carlisle and Esme, my parents, are not actually my parents. They’re my parents in the way they are the only parents I’ve ever really known, but biologically they aren’t. I’m adopted.”  Edward said in a matter of fact tone. I was surprised and I really didn’t know what to say to that; I had never known anyone who was adopted before. 

“What happened to your biological parents?” I asked before realising
that was potentially rude. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m just curious.” Well duh, Bella.

“It’s okay. My parents died when I was little, in a car accident.” He answered, again like it was just a statement of fact, there was no emotion behind it.

“I’m sorry.” I automatically said. I knew that those were empty words. Whenever some said ‘I’m sorry’ in reference to someone dying, you know its just because they don’t know what to say. Because really, what else are you supposed to say in the situation like that? ‘That sucks balls that your parents died, Edward’, really doesn’t have the same sentiment, does it? 

“It’s alright. They died a long time ago and I don’t really remember them all that much, so I don’t really think of them as my parents, they were just people who looked like me.”  He sounded like he was truly fine with that fact that his parents were dead, and I was surprised. After what I had gone through, I still wasn’t fine with what happened. I could barely think about my mother without breaking down, how could he be so calm about it?

“My mother died.” I blurted out and then clamped my hand over my mouth before I could spew anymore of my life out. Fuck! Why did I say that? What was with him and his ability to make me want to talk about this crap?

“What? When?” Edward asked, shocked. He must have thought I meant recently.

“When I was nine. My dad left a couple years before and she just fell apart after he left. After her…death I was sent to live with my grandparents.” I said quickly before I could start chocking up.  I hadn’t wanted to tell him this, but I did at the same time. He had told me something personal, so it was only fair. “So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I get how you feel.” I said with a sniffle. I wasn’t going to cry again, I swear.

Edward was quiet on the other line for a while, and I was regretting that I told hi, all this. Maybe his limit had been reached on ‘Bella Swan’s fucked-up life’ already.

“That really fucking sucks, Bella.” Edward said, completely serious. He was telling me the truth, but I couldn’t help but snort.

“What?” He asked, perplexed.

“It’s just. So. funny!” I said in what can only be described as a crazy person’s laughter.

“Uh,” Edward mumbled, clearly questioning my sanity. “What exactly?”

“It does fucking suck, no B.S. ‘I’m sorry’ from you Cullen!” I laughed. Maybe I had finally gone crazy.

“It’s true, I mean it.” Edward said, still obviously confused.

“I know. That’s why it’s so amazing! Everyone and anyone has told me their sorry, and you know they never fucking mean it, but you, you tell me the honest truth. That’s fucking awesome, Cullen.”

“You know you’re crazy, right?” Edward finally started to chuckle himself.

“I know.” I said, and we both laughed together.

After our laughter had died down, we moved onto less depressing topics. I found out that Edward had two adopted siblings, a brother and sister, and he spoke fondly of them. Despite his arguments with his parents, it sounded like they were definitely a close family. I told him about my rather boring existence in Forks, though he seemed rather intrigued about my small town life. He told me that he spent his entire life here in New York, and his parents just moved out to Connecticut once all their children went off to school.

We talked about music and movies, classes we had taken at NYU, even our favourite foods, grilled cheese was mine, a “kick-ass Gnocchi” (his words, not mine,) from a restaurant uptown was his. Oh, and books, endlessly books. You would think that working in a bookstore would cause you to not want to talk about them, but it did the exact opposite. We has some of the same favourites, and he had read quite a few books I had never even heard of before, and he was surprised to say the least, that I liked those vampire books that had basically taken over the planet, and currently had a massive display in the Teen Fiction section of our store.

“You can’t be serious. You like that crap?” Edward asked me, incredulous.

“They’re good.” I said in defence, albeit not the greatest defence.

“You just told me that you have read some of the finest example’s of literature there is, and you like a love story about a vampire?” He scoffed.

“Just because it’s a love story doesn’t mean it’s a shit story, and yeah, it’s no Dickens, but it’s still a great book. Plus Cullen, have you even read the book?”

“No…”

“Then you clearly have no argument here.” I said, proud of myself. “Tell you what, I’ll read one of those “masterpieces” you raved on about, and you will read my girly vampire book, deal?” I waited on the line as he contemplated offer. Come on Cullen, man up and do it!

“I don’t have all night,” I said. I heard Edward sigh, and I knew that I had got him. I suppressed the urge to laugh maniacally.

“Fine, deal.”

“Excellent.” I said with a smile. “You will like it, and you will eat you words, Cullen.”

“You think so?” Edward challenged.

“I know so.” I answered back.

We talked for at least another half hour before I heard Edward yawn, and I decided that we should probably call it night. I could have talked to Edward all night with my two naps in one day, but Edward wouldn’t really be the best conversationalist of he was asleep.

“I think I should let you go, Cullen. You sound beat.”

“Huh?” Edward said, and he sounded like he already was asleep.

“Go to bed.” I laughed into the phone.

“Okay,” he said sleepily, again all cute. He reminded me of a little boy.

“Goodnight, Edward.”

“’Night, Bella.”  He said, and I was about to hang up when I heard him speak again.

“Fuck! Bella? Are you still there?” he asked, sounding a little more awake.

“I am,” I answered.

“I uh, forgot to ask you something. I meant to ask you earlier, but I, er, got distracted.” Edward said, and he was fumbling over his words again. I had noticed that he does that when he’s nervous, and it was a pretty endearing quality since you would think that with his looks, he would be all suave and cocky, but he was pretty much the polar opposite. It didn’t make him any less charming however.

“Okay, what’s up Cullen?”

“Well, I was thinking that since we are working the evening shift tomorrow night that you would maybe like to, uh, hang out before hand?” He said nervously.

Wait, was Edward asking me out on a date? Furthermore, did hanging out even qualify as a date? I had told Edward, albeit not explicitly, that we couldn’t do the whole romantic thing, but did he listen? There was a part of me that really hoped that he hadn’t given up on me, despite my warnings.

“Um, I’m not sure-”

“-just as friends.” Edward interrupted me, and that little part of me that wished for the date, wept. The older, bigger part of me thought this was good news and that maybe my plan to just stay friends with Edward would work.

“I guess so, sure. What were you thinking?” I asked, intrigued about what our ‘friend date’ , would entail. 

“There’s this coffee place that opened up near my apartment that I wanted to try. I hear they have pretty decent stuff, and since I promised to bring you coffee every time we worked together, I thought I would kill two birds with one stone.” 

“Okay, sure. Coffee, cool.” I said ineloquently. Edward chuckled.

“I’ll text you tomorrow with the directions. Does 2:30 work for you?” He asked.

“That’s fine,” I said, pretty stunned to say anything else; I’m not going to lie, I was pretty excited for our friend date.

“Cool.” Edward said, and he seemed a bit surprised I gave in so easily. “Go to sleep now Bella, have happy dreams.” When he said that, my hear surged; he had told me almost the same thing in my dream, and it sounded even sweeter in real life.

“You too, Edward.” I said, emotion rushing through me.

“I will, Bella.” and he sounded so sure of that fact, and I was envious I couldn‘t say the same thing.

 As we disconnected, I hoped that maybe, just maybe, I could get away with a dream interception by Edward again, I prayed for it even. I turned off my light and settled into my bed with a smile on my face, and fell asleep quickly.

I should have known better by now that I wouldn’t escape my nightmare twice in one night.
 


EPOV

For the third time in a row I was up at the crack of dawn, though this morning I could slept for another four or five hours since Bella had me talking late and I didn’t have to be at work until five tonight. However I was up and wide awake as soon as the light started coming through my window.

I was eager, and I was overwhelmingly anxious. I didn’t know what our date, that wasn’t really date, would bring, and I really wasn’t sure how I was going to act. There were so many confusing things about our relationship, I didn’t know when I was pushing her boundaries of what she wanted us to be, and I didn’t know how to reconcile the part of myself that wanted to be Bella’s friend, and the other part that wanted much more then that. I had spent some ‘quality time’ with Little Eddie last night in the shower, to somewhat quash the less then pure feelings I felt toward Bella, but the other feelings were harder to control.

I wanted to be both, and she wouldn’t let me for whatever reason.
 
I wanted to stick around, because even though she had told me a few times now that she was afraid of losing me, I was equally afraid of losing her. It was the other reason why I would be Bella’s friend, because not only did I not want to hurt her, I knew that I couldn’t be without her now. My desire to just be near to her or hear her voice was growing, and I knew it wouldn’t stop.

I’m a glutton for punishment, I know.

Bella had to feel something towards me though, right? As I made my gourmet breakfast of toast and a fried egg, I made a mental list of markers that would indicate that Bella had feelings for me, feelings that meant she liked me more then just a friend.

Firstly, she had almost always initiated physical contact between us, and had only turned away from the kiss at the last moment.

She apparently watched me at work, and I had feeling it wasn’t exactly necessary for her to do that. She would come to find me to talk, and she always seemed regretful when we had to part ways at the end of the day. She had told me that I was one of the few people she could hug, and she had said my name and asked me to stay, all in her dream.

We had talked for hours on end last night, and I had been surprised that we were able to go from light and joking, to some pretty serious stuff, and back again in the same conversation. That conversation had let me learn so much about Bella, finally giving me some clues to how Bella’s mind worked.

I had always been okay with my parents death because I truly didn’t remember them much. I was barely able to walk when it happened, and I was at the babysitter’s when they were hit by some drunk driver. There were no known relatives that could take me, so I ended up staying in a foster home for six months. I don’t really remember that time either, other then that there was always kids everywhere, and that there was a woman there smelled like cheese that always wanted to pick me up. That’s where Carlisle and Esme found me and Alice, apparently becoming besotted with the both of us in one glance.

When we were children, I used to tease Alice that they got her only because it was a two-for-one deal at the foster home that day. I was only joking, but it wasn’t until years later that I found out that she actually believed me, and that taunt actually really upset her. Why Alice didn’t hate me now was a miracle.

It was clear however, that Bella was not okay with her mother’s death. Or her father leaving for that matter. It was clear in her voice as she spoke of them, there was sadness, and there was a hint of hatred there, for both of them. Maybe because her mother’s death was far more recent, and she could actually remember her mother, was the reason why she still held anger towards her. I didn’t really know, I’m no psychologist.

 Maybe this is what she meant when she told me she was “fucked up”. I didn’t truly believe that she was, and I didn’t like that she described herself that way. She made herself sound like she was broken beyond repair, and I couldn’t imagine that being true for Bella. She could be broken, but I refused to believe that she was unable to be saved.

Did this mean I wanted to ‘fix’ Bella? No. I don’t think Bella needed to be fixed in anyway, she was already perfect the way she was. She was just someone in need, someone in grief, and somewhere in her life, she had lost the light. I hoped that maybe, I could be the one to help her find it again.

*****

After I had finished cleaning up after breakfast, I had tons of time to kill before I had to meet Bella. I was nervous as fuck, so I tried to keep myself busy. I showered and got dressed, trying on at least four different shirts before settling on a red t-shirt and jeans. I normally never did this, I would usually just pick up whatever smelled somewhat clean off my floor, and throw it on. But this was the first time Bella would be seeing me in something other then the hideous Books and Things uniform, so I wanted to look decent.

Shut-up, I know I’m acting like a girl. Sue me.

When I was finished with that, I looked over my classes for next semester and wrote down the books I would need to buy that were on my reading lists. By the look of the huge list, I would have to start some of them soon, and I would be making good use of my employee discount.

I then spent a couple hours looking at law schools, since I would have to start applying to them in the fall. I had already taken the LSAT’s earlier this year and I had done pretty well, so I wasn’t too worried about not getting in anywhere, it was just the choice of where I wanted to go.

Ever since I was in high school, I was determined to go to Harvard Law, mostly because of the prestige, and partly because Carlisle went to the medical school there. But now, I was considering other options. Yale, Princeton, Berkeley, Columbia… I spent the most time looking at Columbia, telling myself that it was because if I went there, I wouldn’t have to move, I knew the city well, etc, but all that really didn’t matter. I knew the reason why I was considering Columbia now, and it would be incredibly stupid if I based my decision around that one element. For one, I didn’t even know what Bella was planning to do after graduation, or where she would go, and two, I didn’t even know how Bella felt about me, and I was already basing major life decisions around her? I guess I could go check the box “Edward Cullen is crazy” with a big red checkmark now.

I sighed and looked at the clock, and saw that it was only noon. Damn it, I still had two hours to kill.

For the next couple hours, I did probably everything to not think about Bella and our up coming non-date. I checked my email several times, watched CNN until I got bored, and I even called up Garrett to see what he was up to. He tried to convince me to come out tonight, in which I told him I was working tonight so that was no go. He then made me promise that I would go out on Friday night to some club downtown that apparently had ‘quality chicks‘. There was only one ‘quality chick’ I had in mind, but I wasn’t about to tell Garrett that.

 I wanted to talk to someone about this ridiculous situation I put myself in, but who could I really talk too? Garrett and Ben were horn-dogs and would just tell me to fuck her and get it over with. I would probably get a similar response from Emmett, and discussing this with either of my parents was totally out of the question. That left Alice, and as much as I loved my little sister, I don’t if I could talk to her about this, at least not yet.

“Argh!” I grunted, as I  ran my fingers through my hair and tugged on the ends. I was frustrated on top being nervous/excited. It was a great combo; I was tense, fidgety, and had a scowl on my face, all because of a beautiful, complex, and frustrating woman. 

I was getting nowhere with my thinking, so I decided that it would be okay to leave a bit early to get to the coffee shop. It took me about ten minutes to get to Java Planet, the coffee shop I had told Bella about, and since I was early, I decided to look around the place.

It looked pretty similar to most of the “hip” coffee shops that were scattered around the city; it had plush loungers, and all the tables were mismatched, along with the chairs. On the walls, there was photography and art pieces that were done by local artists, and the lighting was bright and cheery. It looked at least like a cool place to hang out, it was a nice change from the uniformity of the Starbucks I had been going to, and I really hoped Bella would like it.

I glanced down at my phone and noticed it was just reaching 2:30, and I went to go back outside to wait for Bella. I had only been waiting for a few minutes when I finally could see her, and when I did, I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped to floor.

Bella’s long brown hair was tousled around her face, creating messy, and very sexy waves. Her creamy, flawless skin was framed beautifully by the dark blue tank top she was wearing. I looked down and saw her legs were sheathed only in a small pair of denim shorts, and they showcased her long, lithe legs perfectly. When Bella saw me, a huge smile spread across her face, which was quickly replaced with confusion, I then realised that my jaw was still on the floor, and I snapped my jaw shut quickly.

“What?” Bella asked, looking down at her shirt and pulling it out in front of her. “Do I have something on my shirt?”, She said, frowning down at her shirt.

“No, you don’t.” I answered, “You look lovely, actually.” I said truthfully, and Bella blushed wildly.

“You don’t look half bad yourself, Cullen.” She told me, still not looking me in the eye and blushing like crazy.

“Thanks, I guess?”

“I mean it. You look good in red.” And with that, I vowed to add more red clothing to my wardrobe. This time it was my turn to blush.

“Shall we?”, I said, pulling the door open for her. Bella gave me a light smile and then blushed again as she walked through the door. I didn’t really know exactly what I was doing to do that, but I hoped I was doing something right. I put Bella’s frequent blush around me on the pro-list that Bella liked me.

When we got to the counter, I ordered a iced coffee for myself and a vanilla latte for Bella. The sandwiches looked pretty decent as well, so I ordered myself a turkey club.

“Do you want anything?” I said, motioning to the menu on the wall. Bella didn’t see that though because she was staring very intently at a plate of brownies. She shook her head ‘no’ absently, still without breaking her gaze at the brownies. If one could eye-fuck a dessert, Bella would be a prime example.

“Anything else?” The girl behind the counter asked me.

“Yeah, one of those brownies please.” I answered, and Bella looked up at me in surprise.

“Do you want that heated up?” The server asked and I looked to Bella.

“Oh God yes.” Bella answered, her eyes wide; she was practically drooling. 

“I can pay you back…” Bella said softly as I paid for our food. She really needed to get used to me taking care of her, because I wasn’t about to stop anytime soon.

“I asked you out, it’s my treat. Plus I really don’t think one brownie is going break the bank.” I smiled.

“Okay,” Bella conceded, “But you have to let me treat you next time.” Did she just say ‘next time?’ I was so happy with the possibility of ‘next time’ , that I had a very hard time stopping myself from not doing a celebration dance in the middle of the shop.

“Deal.” I said as we sat down at a small table. The server came by shortly with our drinks and Bella’s brownie; my sandwich was taking a bit longer.

“Go ahead, I don’t mind.” Bella was looking like she wanted to dive into her dessert, but didn’t since I didn’t have my food yet. Bella smiled and stabbed her fork into the brownie, and I watched as she lifted the fork slowly to her lips and took a bite. She closed her eyes and licked her lips, and I had to stop myself from drooling as Bella let out a small moan.

“Holy shit, this is good.” Bella said while taking another bite and hummed in contentment. I felt myself shift underneath the table, and I tried to look away, looking at anything other then Bella and her borderline orgasmic brownie.

Being just friends with Bella was going to be way more difficult then I thought.

“Should I leave you two alone?” I said looking pointedly at the brownie on her plate and not her mouth.

“Shut it, this is one damn good brownie. Whoever made this piece of chocolate heaven needs to seriously ne put into sainthood.” Bella said, and then suddenly I had a fork full of brownie in my face. I looked at Bella’s face then and she was smiling a huge smile at me. “Come on Edward, you have to try this. I swear you’ll have a religious experience.”

“Well, in that case,” I joked and went to take the fork from her, but she refused to let go. I realized then that she wanted feed me it, and that struck me. This was not something you would do with a casual friend, it was actually a rather intimate gesture. Bella was flirting with me, and not very stealthily either. My hope continued to rise that Bella really didn’t want to just be friends, she was just afraid of ‘us’ for some reason.

I opened my mouth as she slowly, and almost sensually, fed me the brownie from her plate. Fuck, it was good, and in combination with Bella’s movements, I groaned loudly, forgetting that we were in a public place in the middle of that day, with quite a few people around. I opened my eyes and I could see Bella flushing red from her chest, up her neck, and all over her cheeks. I don’t know what Bella saw in my face, but she gulped before breaking eye contact with me, and stabbed her fork to get another bite for herself.

“You’re right,” I said, my voice husky. “That was good.”

A/N: I won't be updating for a couple weeks as I will be on vacation, but I promise to have a new chapter ready to go when I get back!

Chapter 4

EPOV

I didn’t see much of Bella after the weird hug-and-run she did in the break room, even though I did keep a look out for her as I was restocking a few shelves. Much like yesterday, there wasn’t much to do once I was finished with that, so I resumed my pacing of the aisles, and whenever Betty or some customer walked by, I would try and make myself look busy, rearranging books that didn’t need to be rearranged.

Not being busy was not good for me; it meant that I could never got Bella out of my mind. I had figured out a few things about her, like she wasn’t used to other people taking care of her, and that there was something that was haunting her in her dreams, something that caused her so much pain and fear. But that just led to even more unanswered questions about Bella. Why was she having these dreams? Did she have them often, and what were her dreams about? I especially wanted to know the answer to the last one, and I really wanted to know why she had dreamt of me. Don’t even get me started on the questions I had for myself, and what I was going to do about what was developing between myself and Bella.

All in all, I was pretty fucking confused with myself at the moment.

I let out a heavy sigh, and continued to pace, looking around for the possible hiding places that Bella could be. I was acting all ninja like, jumping around corners in order to possibly surprise her (I know, I’m 12), but she was never there. She was either more of a stealth ninja then I was, or she was completely bullshitting me about the whole watching me thing.  I would like to think the latter was true, but most likely, knowing me, the former was probably the true possibility.

I was relieved when I could finally go on my lunch break, and I could get out of the god forsaken romance section, and I was pretty eager to see if Bella would be in the break room again, but when I got there, there wasn’t any sign of her. I stupidly realised then that she probably wouldn’t have the same lunch break as I would, and I swiftly made my way out of the store, heading over to a small pizza shop across the street.

I was just settling down to eat my face sized piece of pepperoni pizza, when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I reached for it, and frowned when I saw the text that my brother had just sent me.

So guess what a little birdie told me? - Em-dog. Why Emmett decided that calling himself “Em-dog” was either cool or appropriate was beyond me. I really tried to not to question anything Emmett did anymore.

I sighed. Of course Alice couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

Let me guess, this little birdie has black hair and is related to us. -E.  I took a gigantic bite of my pizza while I waited for Emmett to text me back. Since I was only part-time, my lunch wasn’t that long, so I really didn’t have much time other then eat and run.

You’re right on the 2nd part, though she has light brown hair… - Em-Dog

Fuck! My parents knew about my job! I didn’t even think to warn Alice about not telling them. Damn it, damn it, damn it! I knew what was going to come now; I would get a call from them sooner rather then later, and they would try to get me to come home for the summer, which now that I had met Bella there was no way I was doing that, and they would try to give me money, probably more then any normal twenty-one year old would need. I would also vehemently refuse that, and then we would get into a huge argument, one that we have had many times before, and would end with one of us (most likely me) hanging up on them.

I always felt horribly guilty asking them for money, even though they had always been more the willing to help me out. I let them help pay for my tuition, since even a part-time job would not make a dent in that expense, but nothing more. I didn’t want my parents to help me out and I didn’t want to be one of those trust fund kids that never worked a day in their life for anything. I wanted something for my own, built for myself, and not on my family’s legacy. Maybe I was being bratty and irrational, but couldn’t I have this one piece of rebellion?

Dude, you still alive over there? Emmett messaged me after I hadn’t answered him back.

Yeah, I’m just plotting ways to end Alice’s life. -E.

Aw, don’t be so hard on her. Unlike SOME people, she actually lets her family know what’s happening in her life.  -Em-Dog.

I let you guys know about my life. I wrote back, knowing that me not telling them I had a summer job was basically negating my statement in the first place. I could visualize him rolling his eyes at me. Emmett could be an idiot sometimes, but that didn’t mean he was stupid.

Yeah, right. What’s the big deal anyways? It’s just a job. It’s not like you have a drug problem or something.  He answered quickly. I really hope he wasn’t actually wondering if I did have a drug problem now. He should really know better then that.

I don’t know, Em. I just want to keep some stuff  to myself, you know? - E.

Shouldn’t have told Alice then. -Em-dog.  No shit, Sherlock.

I wiped my face for any sauce residue, and rubbed my face with my hands before I messaged Emmett back.

Yeah, I figured that out now. - E. I messaged him before telling him I had to go back to work, to which he promptly responded that he was seriously considering flying down from Seattle just to see me in my uniform. I rolled my eyes at my phone.

Once I got back to work there was still no sign of Bella, but some punk did manage to mess up my section while I was gone, and I was grumbling to myself as cleaned up the books that were scattered around.

Yes, I do realize I used the word “punk” and that it makes me sound like a senior citizen. Maybe I was finally turning into the old man my name suggests.

Anyways, I was cleaning up the major fuck job that was created in my absence, when I heard a woman’s voice unnecessarily close to me, and it was definitely not the voice I wanted to hear. No, this woman had very strong,  nasal voice. Her voice was what I could only describe as akin to nail’s on a chalkboard, or maybe some dying animal.

 I shuddered and turned around slowly to find a woman who was in her late forties/early fifties, clad in tight jeans, a very low cut leopard print tank top, and her hair was so teased and bleached, I wondered how any head of hair could actually survive that kind of damage. Lets not forget that she was blatantly trying to eye fuck me as soon as I looked at her.

“What can I help you with, ma’am?” I said, shifting uncomfortably so she would be out of my personal space. That didn’t do any good, because she just came closer.

“Hmmm, well I’m looking for something to you know, spice up the love life, if you know what I mean.” She said, lifting her eyebrows suggestively. I leaned back from with a gulp, and told her that we have a great selection of romance novels, and that I was sure we could find something she liked. She followed me down the aisle while I pulled out random books that I thought she would like, and I couldn’t help feeling that she was staring at my ass the whole time.

Now, normally I wouldn’t be that freaked out about that kind of attention, and I had even enjoyed it when I had caught Bella doing it yesterday, but this was just plain creepy. I mean, this woman was probably old enough to be my mother!

When I would show her a book, she would glance over it briefly, and then dismiss it, saying that it wasn’t quite what she was looking for. I was starting to sweat and get really uncomfortable, but I didn’t know what to do. She was a customer, so I didn’t want to be rude, and I couldn’t push her or something, so I just kind of lived with it and prayed that she would find whatever she was looking for and leave.

I took her to the end corner of the aisle, where the particularly dirty novels were, and I quickly found out that was the complete wrong thing to do, because within a minutes, I was trapped by the cougar.

I had been picking up a couple books from the shelf, stuttering out that these one’s were pretty good, and we’re pretty erotic, even though I had no idea if that was true or not, when I felt her grab my side. I flinched and turned around so my back was against the stacks, effectively trapping myself between her and the bookshelf.

I don’t know if she took my fear as a signal that I liked what she was doing, or if she just didn’t care, but she flushed herself against me and licked her lips.

Oh God, this was not happening. I could feel my self blushing and I really wanted to get her away from me, but I was like a deer in the headlights; I was frozen in fear.

“I think you know what I need-,” The cougar said, trying to sound sultry but sounding more like a strangled cat. “ - what’s your name again?” She asked, even though I had never told her.

“Edward.” I stuttered. What the hell? Why did I tell her my real name? WHY? 

“Hmmm, Edward. I like the sound of that. It sounds, strong.” She said, then further scarred me for life by rubbing her hands down my arms and pressed herself into my crotch. I tried to tell her this was inappropriate (the polite way of telling her get the fuck off me) but there were no sounds coming out of my mouth.

I quickly glanced away from her and saw Betty coming past the entry to the aisle. Praise whatever God there is, because she glanced my way. I saw her eyes narrow, and I mouthed “help me” to her, hoping that she would get that I was attacked by this woman, and not that I was feeling her up.

“What’s going on here?” I heard Betty ask, and the cougar jumped away from me, clearly embarrassed to be caught like that. I nearly ran to Betty, making sure I was as far away from the cougar as I could be. I started talking before she could, finally able to get my words back, and looked pointedly at the woman.

“I was trying to find a book for this woman, but I wasn’t having any luck finding her exactly what she needed.”  The woman blushed, and looked down. So now she was embarrassed?

“Hmm, well maybe I will be able to help you. Edward, why don’t you see if they need any help in stock room?” Betty said, effectively allowing my escape immediately.

“Uh, yeah. Of course.” I said, before bolting without even a look behind me.

I pretty much hid in the stock room for the next fifteen minutes while the stock boys either ignored me or watched me with amusement, until Betty finally came to find me.

“Oh my God, thank you. Thank you so much. I don’t know what happened, I was helping her, and then she was on me, and I didn’t know what to do…” I trailed off when I saw one of the guys give me the thumbs up from behind Betty. I frowned at him.

“It’s alright, Edward. I’ve had to deal with her before. Though I’ve never seen her back someone into a corner like that.” Betty said, trying to hide a smile. Oh great, she thought this was funny. How else could this get anymore  embarrassing?

“You know, you could have just told her to move and leave the store.” 

“I thought it would be rude.” I answered truthfully.

“Well, if it happens again, just tell her to back off or you’ll call security, alright?” She told me, and I nodded. I didn’t even know we had security.

“Now get back to work.” I hesitated, and this time Betty broke out into a full grin. “Don’t worry, she won’t be coming back.” She chuckled and went back to the floor. I blushed, not sure if I was more embarrassed that I got trapped by a middle aged woman who felt me up, or getting saved by my boss, who also happened to be a middle-aged, rather tiny, woman. Emmett would have a field day with this one if he ever found out. 

Once I got back to my section and had triple checked that the over-eager cougar had indeed left, I was able to calm down significantly, though I did shudder a few times when I thought what could have happened if Betty hadn’t shown up. I felt really stupid and embarrassed for not being able to get her away from me myself, and felt even more stupid from fearing her even now.

I finished cleaning up the mess that I had be interrupted from earlier, and resumed my pacing, praying to God I wouldn’t have anymore cougar attacks today. Once in a while I would stop and lean against a shelf, pinching the bridge of my nose with my forefinger and thumb, already stressed by the day.

“Had a bad day?” I jumped again, not hearing Bella approach me again. She really was a stealth ninja.

“Jesus,” I said in surprise. “how do you do that ?” 

“Do what?” She looked at me, perplexed. Like she didn’t know.

“Appear out of thin air.”

She rolled her eyes at me before she spoke. “Edward, its not my fault you’re exceptionally unobservant.” I frowned, I was actually pretty observant most of the time; it was disconcerting that Bella was rendering me this way.

“Yeah, you could say I‘m having a bad day,“ I said. “ is there a reason you came here, Bella?” I snapped. I saw Bella’s face fall and I immediately regretted saying it, her face reminded me of this morning when she was dreaming. I looked down at my feet.

“I Just wanted to see how you were doing... and apologize.” Bella said calmly, and my eyes shot up.

“What would you have to apologize for?” I asked, incredulous. I tried to think back at anything she had did earlier today that would make her think that she needed to apologize to me. I came up with nothing.

“I wanted to apologize for hugging you…and then running away.” she said, and I saw her face flush with embarrassment. “I don’t usually do that sort of thing, and I know we’ve only known each other for a couple days now…” she trailed off, not sure what to say.  I almost laughed. She felt bad for hugging me? Yeah, her running away from me afterwards was a bit weird, but the hug was probably one of the bright spots in my day. I could even remember the feel of her small body pressed against mine, she had felt so right there, like she was born to fit my shape perfectly. I ached touch her even now.

“You don’t need to feel bad, Bella. I mean, isn’t that what friends do?” I said, moving a couple inches closer. I couldn’t help it, she was like a magnet to me. She dropped her eyes and stared at the Books and Things logo that was stitched over my shirt pocket, avoiding my eyes.

“It’s just I don’t normally do that. Like, ever.” Bella said, turning a darker shade of red.

“What?” I asked, confused. “You don’t ever hug people?” Bella shook her head.

Wow, so today I was the exception to that rule? It now even more amazed me that she did it in the first place.

“Why?” I asked, because of course, I wanted to know everything about this beautiful, complex woman.

“It’s….complicated.” She shrugged, and I put my finger under her chin so I could get her to look at me. When her eyes finally did meet mine, and they were the same deep pools of chocolate brown that had entranced me yesterday.

“I think I can keep up,” I said earnestly as I looked into her eyes. I wanted to convey to her that she could trust me with her secrets. She sighed and moved away from my hand and put her hands through her hair. I stayed unmoving, looking at her face. Her face was all scrunched up like it had been when she was dreaming, like she debating something.

After a long minute, I was beginning to think that she wasn’t going to answer me, but she breathed out a heavy sigh and leaned against a bookshelf.

“I sort of have these trust issues, and it’s usually really hard for me to touch people, or for them to touch me, without me getting all uncomfortable and anxious.”

“So you try to avoid touching people at all costs. ” I surmised, though I was confused. Bella had touched me several times in the past two days and had never looked uncomfortable. I also felt really bad about touching her face this morning, it was so stupid for me to do that. If I would have known…

“Kind of,” she said, interrupting me from my reverie. “ I do okay with shaking hands and other “normal” stuff, but for some reason giving people hugs really bother me.”

“So what do you do in a romantic situation?” Oh god, did I just ask whether she was able to be romantically involved with someone? Good job not trying to not be awkward, Cullen.

“You mean, how am I able to have a sexual relationship?” She said, her eyebrows raising and her voice daring me to say something that would make me want to further dig a hole in which I could crawl into.

“Umm…” was all I got out before she answered me with a laugh.

“Believe me, I am okay with that. Sex doesn’t bother me, I don’t really know why, but it just comes easy to me. Though don‘t try to cuddle with me afterwards,” She shrugged. This was not a good thing for me to know right now. Knowing that sex came “easy” to her was filling me with some very inappropriate images in my head, and it probably meant I would be spending some quality time with “Little Eddie” later this evening. I gulped and really hoped she didn’t notice me shift my pants.

“Oh.” I said, feeling embarrassed for the thousandth time today. “Well, if you don’t like giving people hugs, you don’t have to. I mean with me, if it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll understand.” I was rambling again.

“No!” Bella said, almost yelling. She bit her lip and then came closer to me again, so close, that I could feel her breath on me. Strawberries. Her breath smelled like freshly grown strawberries. I wondered idly of her mouth would also taste like strawberries… Again, thinking about tasting Bella’s mouth was not the best idea right now.

“It’s okay. I didn’t have a problem hugging you, I actually wanted to.” She said, with the last part almost a whisper, almost if she mostly telling herself that.

She looked at me and could tell I was confused, and she continued. “You make me feel...comfortable.  I hugged you because you did something incredibly nice for me, and I wanted to show you how grateful I was that you’re my friend.” Bella said with conviction. My heart soared, she liked being by me, and she was able to do something with me that she couldn’t do with anyone else. Maybe winning over Bella wouldn’t be as hard as I thought.

“I’m glad I make you feel comfortable then. And, if you want you can practice anytime on me.” I said, unconsciously ducking my head down toward her face. Bella had her eyes lowered but I could see her lick her lips, and I just went in for it. First slowly leaning my forehead on hers, and then brushing my nose with hers. Her breath hitched, and mine did in return; I could actually taste the strawberries on her breath now.

I was just mere centimetres away from touching her lips when she turned her head. I leaned back on the bookshelf disappointed and defeated, though I really tried not to let the disappointment show on my face.

“I’m sorry,” Bella whispered, looking away from me.

“I should be the one that’s sorry.” I said, not looking at her either, and instead looking at my shoelaces.

“No, you shouldn’t. It’s my fault. I’m just really fucked up, and everything is just so incredibly complicated when it comes to me. I really need you as a friend, and I don’t know what I’d do if I ruined that.” Bella said, and I looked back up at her. What I saw there broke me, her face was full of pain, and tears threatened to leave her eyes. I never wanted to be the once to cause her pain, even if it meant that I had to hurt myself in order to do it. It had hurt when Bella had not allowed me to kiss her, but I would take that a million times over so I wouldn’t hurt her like that ever again.

“Bella,” I called softly, but she just shook her head and I could see her chest heaving; she was dangerously close to sobbing. I called her name again, but I ignored her protests this time, and wrapped my arms around her so that she was now enveloped in my tight embrace. Her sobs broke out and she leaned her head into my chest.

“Shh, Bella. It’s okay. You’re not going to lose me.” I said soothingly, rubbing my hands on her back. She felt so safe there in my arms, like I could shield the world from her while she was there. I wanted to keep her there forever if that meant I could protect her. If what Bella needed was a friend right now, then that’s what I’d be, no matter how much it killed me to do it.

“You have to listen to me okay? You are not going to lose me as a friend, and you don’t have to beat yourself up about it. If you need me, I’ll be there.” She looked up at me then and I could see the tears that trailed down her cheeks, and it took everything in me not to reach my hand up and wipe them away. I could tell she was about to object, but she stopped herself  and searched for something in my eyes.

“Really?” She asked, and Bella seemed like she had little hope in her. I wondered what would make her feel that way, and I desperately wanted to be the one to give her hope again.

“Really.” I smiled back at her, and she returned it with a small smile of her own. I felt her sigh in my arms and then she moved to break away from my embrace. Even though I’d wished that she would stay there, preferably for the rest of eternity, I’d let her go so she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable again.

“Thank you.” Bella said quietly.

“No problem.” I smiled crookedly to let her know that it really wasn’t a problem. Bella flushed, and smiled as well. Ah, I forgotten how much that smile disarmed her.

I was about to say something when Bella looked down at her watch, and her face became relieved.

“Well, it seems my little breakdown killed the rest of our shift.” Bella said with a laugh. It was a shaky one, but I was glad to hear it.

“Oh,” I said. “I guess that means I will have to talk to my parents all the more sooner.”

“I take it you don’t really want to talk them.”

“Not particularly, no.” I answered as we walked to the break room to clock out. We were pretty much silent after that, and like yesterday, we had this weird tension floating between us. Also like yesterday, we both seemed to have a hard time leaving each other. I could offer to walk her home again, but I had feeling that she would probably refuse. That might be pushing the boundaries of “friend”, and if that made her uncomfortable, I wouldn’t do it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Bella.”

Bella bit her lip, and nodded. “Tomorrow.”

I turned unwillingly to walk away, but Bella called for me and I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Can I call you tonight?” She asked, hope colouring her voice.

I turned back towards her and smiled. “Of course, Bella. Though I may be a bit surly after I talk to my parents, so watch out.”  Bella giggled and I was so incredibly glad to hear that sound again.

“I think I can handle surly Edward.” She said, amused. “Talk to you later, Cullen.”

“Will do, Swan.” I said smiling and walking backwards. I should have known that with my luck that doing that would be the wrong thing to do, because I ended up falling over a box that had been left out on the street, and landed on my ass. I looked up and over to Bella, and the look on my face must have been hilarious,  because Bella was now doubled over in laughter.

Well, at least I could make her laugh.

BPOV
 
I was a horrible person. An horrible, awful, and exceedingly stupid person.

 I had first hugged my incredibly attractive, and nice co-worker, while then proceeding to run away from him and have a break down in the middle of the store. Then, once I had finally got the courage to talk to Edward again, I ended up telling him a part of my miserable life, and then breaking down again. Oh yeah, and I had almost let him kiss me.

After I had my panic attack in the travel section, I had told myself that I could not get closer to Edward, that I was already in too deep and way too attracted to him, and that could make the relationship dangerous for the both of us. He would be my friendly co-worker that I would joke around with at work, but that would be it. No more semi-flirty texts, and definitely no more spontaneous hugs.

When I finally went to go see him, I had resolved to just be light and joking, and not bring up the awkwardness from earlier. But when I saw him standing there, leaning against the bookshelf with his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, I was pulled towards him, almost like a gravity was making me go to him.

He looked like he was stressed, so I wasn’t  surprised that I had scared him again, and really wasn’t surprised that he snapped at me. Though the lack of surprise didn’t help me from not feeling awful, I wanted to make him feel better, not make him feel worse. I noticed that he blushed when he looked at my face, and I could tell her was about to apologize, but I spoke first.

“I Just wanted to see how you were doing…. and apologize.”  I said calmly. I was still resolved to have a normal co-worker relationship with Edward. Little did I know that my resolve would easily crumble.

His eyes shot up, and when he spoke, he sounded almost angry.
“What would you have to apologize for?” His eyes looked confusingly at me.

“I wanted to apologize for hugging you, and then running away. I don’t usually do that sort of thing, and I know we’ve only known each other for a couple days now….” I said.

He told me that it was alright and I didn’t need to apologize. I quickly found that I was being affected by word vomit and I told him that I had issues with hugging people, or rather touching people for that matter, and he looked both surprised and confused. He wanted to know more, and I told him it was complicated; he didn’t need to know my fucked up world, if he did, it would surely scare him away, like everyone else.

Edward pressed the subject though, and as I looked into his eyes, I felt that I could trust him to not judge me for this, and I got an overwhelming feeling of wanting to tell him about me. It must have been that wave of comfort I felt whenever I was in his presence, it made me feel alright with sharing just a bit of my dark secrets.

So I told him about my messed up issues with touching people, and I laughed when he asked if I could be “romantically” involved with someone. Of course a man would be interested in that capability. His face had this weird expression as I told I didn’t really have a problem sexually being with someone, and then I felt super embarrassed by telling him all that, wondering what he thinking about now that he had this information. Maybe I didn’t want to know.

Edward told me that it was okay if I didn’t like hugging him, that I didn’t have to. I was struck by how genuine he was, and how he again was only looking out for me.

I panicked though, because the thought of never touching Edward again was maddening; I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. I knew then that my original idea that Edward could be just a normal co-worker to me was stupid. I needed him, and I knew that I could never escape this magnetic pull that we had between us. Edward had firmly attached himself in my life in last two days, and now I had no intention of letting him go.

It was sort of an unconscious thing, we had become closer and closer to one another during our conversation, and before I knew it, I was close enough to feel Edwards warm breath on my face. I told him that I wanted to hug him, that I liked it, even. Edward’s voice was low and very hypnotic as he told me that I could “practice” on him I could feel him inch closer to my face. My heart fluttered and my breath hitched as I felt him first lean his forehead against mine, and then my heart almost exploded when I felt his nose graze mine. It was indescribable how I felt in that moment. My head was telling me No! Don’t let this happen!, but my body, oh my body, was aching to feel his lips against mine, and I could imagine his warm lips melting into them. I knew they would, just like we had already fit together so well when I was tucked into his side, and when I had latched myself around him in that embarrassing hug.

I wanted to kiss him so bad, and I almost let him, turning only when his lips were just hovering over mine. I just couldn’t do it. Despite how much my body, and even my heart wanted to, I couldn’t. I needed to protect myself, but more importantly I needed to protect Edward. I would inevitably hurt him, and I couldn’t live with myself if I did. The women in my family only brought pain to the ones they cared about the most, crushed them even, and I would let no one, even myself, to do that to him; he was far too precious for that to happen. Our relationship could never escalate, and if I had let him kiss me, it would have. I knew that for sure.

That didn’t mean that pulling away from him didn’t hurt; it hurt me in ways I had never felt before, but it was necessary. When I looked at Edward, the hurt on hus face was clearly visible, though I could tell he was very much trying to hide it. I hated myself for hurting him like that.

I couldn’t help it, I had my second breakdown of the day. Well if he didn’t think you were a loony before, he sure will now, I thought bitterly to myself.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered quietly, looking away from him; I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes.

“I should be the one that’s sorry.” he said, looking down at the floor. He felt embarrassed for doing what he did, and I couldn’t let him feel that way. 

“No, you shouldn’t. It’s my fault. I’m just really fucked up, and everything is just so incredibly complicated when it comes to me. I really need you as a friend, and I don’t know what I’d do if I ruined that.” I said earnestly. The tears began to overflow then, and when Edward look back up at me, his face was contorted in pain. 

See, you’re doing it again! It’s impossible, whatever you do just hurts him. Get out now! Save him, save yourself, my head told me. I was definitely going into the “flight” part of my “fight or flight” mechanism.  


“Bella,” he called softly, and I shook my head. I was getting very close to sobbing and I didn’t want him to see that. He called my name again, and I still refused to look at him. I wanted to escape out of there but I couldn’t move. I was frozen in my spot with my arms wrapped protectively around chest.

Suddenly, I felt warm and strong arms wrap around of me, and I was crushed to Edward’s chest. I let it go then, and sobbed uncontrollably into his chest, most likely staining his uniform with my tears. 

“Shh, Bella. It’s okay. You’re not going to lose me.”  he said as he tried to soothe me by rubbing his hands on my back. I really didn’t understand why he was doing this. I had just rejected him, and now he was comforting me? I  really am an awful person, I thought, and that only made the sobs come harder.

“You have to listen to me okay? You are not going to lose me as a friend, and you don’t have to beat yourself up about it. If you need me, I’ll be there.” There was such conviction his is voice that I had to look at him them. His blue eyes were serious, and there was something else behind them that I couldn’t quite figure out. I was going to tell him that he didn’t need to do that, but I stopped myself. He had really meant it, and I truthfully could not bring myself to tell him that I didn’t need him, because I did need him.

“Really?”  I asked, though I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Or at least more then they already were.

“Really.”  he smiled back at me, and I was able to give him a small, watery smile back. It was amazing how easily Edward could make me feel better. I sighed, wanting to stay in his arms forever, but I knew I couldn’t, so I regrettably extracted myself from his tight hold on me.

“Thank you.” I said quietly.

“No problem.” he said, and he smiled crookedly at me, causing me to flush and smile nervously. Whoa. How did he do that? I wondered idly if he unleashed that half smile on all woman, and if they were rendered just as speechless as I was at the moment.

I looked down at my watch since I wasn’t able to form coherent words yet, and I noticed it was already five o’clock.

“Well, it seems my little breakdown killed the rest of our shift.” I said, trying to make fun of myself. It was my default coping mechanism.

“Oh, I guess that means I will have to talk to my parents all the more sooner.” He said with a grimace.

“I take it you don’t really want to talk them.” I noted. I wanted to tell at least he had parents to talk to, but I rejected that idea. I didn’t know what his relationship was like with his parents, and it was not my place to give him my opinion.

“Not particularly, no.”  He answered with a sigh as we walked together towards the breakroom. We stayed in a mutual silence as we clocked out and walked through the store, neither of us not knowing what to say. When we got outside of the store, I scrambled to find ways to prolong the time before we separated,  however I was coming up with nothing.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Bella.” Edward said first, and he sounded regretful, like he didn’t want to leave either. I felt a little spark of joy and I was glad he felt some attachment to me as well.

I bit my lip and nodded. “Tomorrow.”

I watched him turn to walk away and I blurted out his name in order to stop him.

“Can I call you tonight?” I asked. I wanted to know if we were really good in terms of our friendship. His phone call last night had made my nightmares almost bearable, and I definitely didn’t want to lose that.

He turned quickly back to me, and he smiled at me.  “Of course, Bella. Though I may be a bit surly after I talk to my parents, so watch out.” 

I giggled at his tone, and I watched his smile grow even brighter.

“I think I can handle surly Edward.” I said, amused. “Talk to you later, Cullen.”

“Will do, Swan.” He said, and I watched him walk backwards with a cocky-grin on his face.

Now, I know I really should have warned him, but his cocky smile let me decide otherwise, and I watched with amusement as Edward toppled over a box that been left in the street. If that wasn’t’ funny enough, Edwards bewildered expression pushed me over the edge, and I was now clutching onto a mail box for support as my body rocked with laughter. Edward pouted and I laughed even more, before running over to help him up. He narrowed his eyes in offense as I offered my hand, still laughing, and he took it with a huff.

Once he was upright, he let go of my hand to brush himself off. I, on the other hand, was still vibrating with laughter, though I was trying to keep it in.

“Great. Now that I have thoroughly embarrassed my self enough today, I’m going to go home before a piano falls on me or something.” Edward said, walking forwards this time to walk away from me. I let another laugh escape, and he turned once again to give me the finger, but he had a smile on his face as he did it, so I knew he wasn’t actually mad at me for laughing at him. Well, not too much at least. I rolled my eyes and laughed again before turning myself, and made my way to the subway.

I felt exhausted once I got home, and I laid down on my bed without even bothering to take my uniform off. I was so tired that when my head hit the pillow, I passed out.


****

I was here again.

The sun was beating down heavily and its rays seemed too bright for my eyes. I began to feel the familiar panic that rose in my chest, and my hands became clammy. I started to run, trying to desperately get to my destination as fast as possible, but my running was frustratingly slow; it felt like I was running through quick sand.

The dry heat of my former home stifled me, making my lungs feel heavy and made it almost impossible to catch my breath, but I pushed as hard as I could force my body to go. I would not be too late. I would be faster this time, and I would not see the scene that had constantly replayed in my head for the last decade.

I pushed harder, and I felt the air escape my lungs as I saw the familiar house  come into sight. It looked peaceful, bright. The house was light, with friendly yellow shutters, and there were a couple flowers growing out of the window boxes. Even the cactus in the front yard looked friendly, with one of its prickly arms bent up in a way that looked like it was at waving me.

This house was not one that you would usually associate with terror, or with darkness. But that’s all this home ever was to me. I had learned very early in life that appearances are very different then they seem.

I ran faster, trying to get purchase from the concrete, but unable to do so, coming up the walkway like I was in slow motion. I did finally get to the door, and my fingers trembled around the knob. Please let it not be too late, I prayed, though I don’t know who to. It was clear that no God was ever going to help me.

I pushed on the door and it felt incredibly heavy; I had to shove my shoulder into it in order to get through. All I saw was blackness, and I expected that. It was the scene on the other side that I feared. I heaved a deep breath and ran into the darkness, fully ready to continue running, as I always did, but I stopped dead in my tracks.

I was not in my house anymore. Through the door and through the blackness was not the expected scene. Instead of  a small table and a mirror by the door, there were ferns. There was no hallway, no living room that I barely glanced at anymore. In there place was trees and lush, green foliage. The air around me was cool, and the there was a little light filtering through the tree’s. It looked like the light was giving way to the darkness, though there were still some hints of the day. It was twilight.

I wandered through the ferns and wet grass, not really sure what to do with myself here. I briefly remembered that there had been a reason why I was running, and that this place was not the place that I had wanted to go, but I couldn’t make myself want to go back, and I just kept wandering through the tall grass as the light slowly crept away.

I had been walking for what seemed like forever when I saw a faint, silver glow from a break in the tree’s, and I became entranced by it. I moved quicker, pushing branches and saplings out the way. I needed to get towards the light, but it was not like the need I had felt before, this need was not out of fear, but it was out eagerness, because I knew that if I got to the light, everything would be okay.

When I reached the gap, I noticed that it led to a small and beautiful meadow. There were wildflowers growing in bunches and the grass rippled like water in the breeze. I searched the meadow for where my light had been coming from, and I gasped as I found it. Edward was leaning against a spruce tree, wearing a blue button down and light gray pea coat. He was smiling at me and he beckoned me to come to him with his hand, his skin faintly glowing in the moonlight that now filtered through the tree’s.

I went to him and he gave me a crooked smile, and even in my dream state, it completely took my breath away. Once I had reached him, he took my hand and motioned for me to sit down, never letting go of my hand as I took my seat, and then sat down beside me.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you.” Edward murmured, his eyes hypnotic as he stared at my face.

“Sorry, I couldn’t find my way…” I said, getting completely lost in his eyes. Edward laughed and he moved his hand to trail his hand down my face, and I shivered as he ran a smooth finger over my lips. I parted my lips and Edward chuckled.

“Don’t worry about it, Bella.” Edward said, this time tracing circles on my cheeks with one hand, and lifting his hand to my hair with the other. “It happens to be that I’m a very patient person.” His eyes were bright and he smiled. My heart soared it was so heartbreakingly beautiful. 

“Good.” Was all I said, and I felt him move to lean us back on the grass, so that we were both now lying on our backs, but our faces still faced one another, his hand never leaving my face as we moved. I felt his other arm snake around my waist and pull me closer, so that we were only inches apart.

We laid in silence for the most part, just gazing into each others eyes, and Edward’s hand moving in slow movements from my face to my hair.

Somewhere I got the courage to move my hand to touch his face, and I was amazed about how smooth it was. I traced over his eyebrows, lightly touching the thin skin of his eyelid, and then traced down the line of his nose. When my finger grazed over his lips, Edward stilled my hand in order to kiss my fingers. I shivered again from the feeling.

“Edward?” I asked after a few more moments had passed.

“Bella?” Edward teased, and I laughed before getting all serious again.

“Can you promise me something?”

“Anything.” He said without hesitation. I looked down and played with the buttons of his coat, suddenly embarrassed to ask him what I wanted.

“Stay with me.”

He used his finger to push my chin up to look at him, and then he used the same hand to wipe my face, coming away with moisture. It took me a moment to realize that I was crying. Oh jeez, could I get through any moment with Edward and not cry?

“I’m here, you’re alright.”

“Promise me. Promise me you’ll stay.”  I whimpered, and I watched as Edward’s eyes become sad, and then full of fire.

“I promise you, Bella. I’m not going anywhere,” He said in tone with such fervor that I knew I could believe him. I was filled with such joy and warmth, content to just stay like this forever. I tucked my head under Edward’s chin and allowed my arms wrap around him, bringing myself as close to him as I could. Edward breathed into my hair, and I felt his arms tighten around me.

“Sleep now, Bella. Have happy dreams.” Edward murmured into my hair and I sighed in contentment; I already was having a happy dream.

“Okay.” I mumbled, and I felt his chest vibrate with laughter. Edward’s fingers again found my chin and he lifted it up to look into my eyes.

“Goodnight Bella.” Edward said softly before giving me a very soft and tender kiss to my forehead. I felt my blood boil under my skin at his touch and I moved my head up so I could meet his lips.

I was so close that I could feel the heat radiating off of his lips and my body was eagerly awaiting his kiss when my eyes bolted open.

I was no longer in the meadow. I was back in my bedroom still clad in my Books and Things uniform. I jolted my hand to my forehead, feeling for the moisture of the kiss I knew I had felt. There was none, but I swear I could feel the phantom touch still lingering on my skin.

Holy fuck,  I thought as realization hit me. It had been different. Every time the same thing had happened, I knew the situation off by heart now, but this time it was different. So fucking different. And I knew why that was. The answer was right there in my dream.

Edward.