Chapter 7

BPOV

What the hell are you doing? This is not the plan! Don’t do what I think you’re going to do… WHAT DID I JUST SAY? Unbelievable.

This is what I was thinking when my body decided not to listen to my brain anymore, and just did whatever the fuck it wanted. to. My brain was all about practicality, but my body was like, ‘hey, let’s flirt with Cullen some more’.

I don’t know if it was the “seeing Jesus, it’s so good” brownie that had just passed my lips, which I think may have given me a mini orgasm, or that I was a little off because of my Edward interruption in my first dream, and then my and subsequent nightmare, but fuck me if I wasn’t trying to feed the thing to him now.

Having nearly cum from that little piece of heaven, and I wanted him to experience the deliciousness himself. I could have just been like ‘Hey, try this brownie. It’s awesome.’, or even a more vulgar version ‘ Fuck, Cullen. Take some of this brownie, it’s better than sex,’, but no, my body decided it would be a good idea to put it up to his lips and feed it to him. Slowly.

I watched him take the food, pulling it slowly from the fork between his lips, and I began to feel a warm sensation spread below my stomach to my holy land, and it exploded as he groaned in satisfaction. It was so primal and it was sexy as hell; I wanted to record it and make it my ringtone so I could I hear it multiple times a day. 

I was getting increasingly heated, and I thought I couldn’t possibly get anymore so from watching Edward eat, but then he opened his eyes and muttered something that I didn’t even comprehend. I was too focused on his eyes, gulping to keep the fire down in my own body.

His liquid blue eyes were now looking like an ocean set on fire; all focused on me and burning with need.

In the few days I had known Edward, I had never seen him look like this. It was just so…animalistic, like he was going to jump over the table and take me right here. The visual came up for that in my head almost immediately and it did not help my arousal one bit. I felt a blush creep up my entire body, praying that he didn’t notice it, but by the look in his eyes a second later, my prayers were in vain. His gaze was so intent on me that I had to look down and eat the rest of my brownie as a distraction before I jumped him myself.

Then why don’t you?, my apparently horny thoughts told me. You’re the one who brought this all on. It was a very tempting thought, but I couldn’t do it, not with Edward. He would not be like the others.  If we did that, it would change everything, and I would undoubtedly lose him as my friend. I didn’t care how much my body wanted to be fucked into oblivion by the Greek god in front of me, I would not do it.

I still didn’t understand why I had fed him in the first place! Could I deep down want Edward to want me as more than just as a friend, and this was my way of testing him? Maybe. Edward was quickly becoming my anchor in the tumultuous sea that was my existence, he was also funny, thoughtful, and caring. Add being beautiful beyond all reason, and Edward was the full package. I needed him and I was attracted to him. Of course I would want to jump his bones. The fact that I was even getting turned on from his actions was obvious that Edward passed the test. Fuck, this is getting complicated.

“I told you,” I mumbled, staring at what was left of my food, before eating the rest of it quickly. I looked up tentatively and met Edward’s eyes again, gasping when I saw his eyes were burning even more, like they could burn me down to my soul.

 No, this can’t be happening. I had spent all this time worrying about getting in too deep with Edward, I hadn’t worried about Edward getting in too deep with me, and with that look, I knew he was. Shit, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

I was so wrapped up in my own head that I didn’t even hear what Edward was asking me, only vaguely realizing he was speaking at all. I was just looking at the space between us, trying to figure out what to do. There were two sides battling within me. The one side, which was my intention to keep Edward as my friend in order to protect him and myself, was strong; but the new side, the side that wanted Edward in every way I could, was growing stronger. That side didn’t care what would happen if I gave in, and I really wanted to give in. I could only imagine how good that would feel. The only reason that side wasn’t winning now was because my desire to protect Edward from myself was its greatest weapon. The broken pieces of myself were sharp, and I refused to let Edward be cut by its jagged edges. It was a crushing thought, but it was necessary.

This is wrong. If it hurt so much to think that, then how could something that felt so good be wrong? I had to remind myself that yeah, it felt good for me now, but what about later? And what about Edward? It wouldn’t feel good forever for him either. I would crush him someday, I knew it.

I suddenly felt a hand on mine, and I felt electricity pulse through my veins; it was like I had the power switched off in my body, only for it to be turned on again once Edward touched me. It wasn’t painful, more like a rush of energy and feeling, and just… everything. I was so surprised, my mouth opened and I felt my eyes go as wide as saucers.

“You mean this?” Edward asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. Fuck, did I say that out loud? He sounded angry, I didn’t want him to sound angry. Jesus Bella, get it together! 

I tried to move my hand away so I could, I don’t know, stop feeling so much, but he wouldn’t let me. He increased his hold on my hand and put his finger under my chin, tilting my head up so I had to look at him. I didn’t look at his eyes though, I was afraid of what I might see there.   I wasn’t sure if I was more worried about the anger that could be there, or a deeper emotion that would frighten me just as much.

“Bella, look at me.” And I couldn’t help myself, he was my magnet. I looked at him tentatively, and I didn’t see anger, or even lust, all I saw was caring and…something else, something deeper. “Why is this wrong?” he probed, while his eyes searched mine.

“It will hurt,” I simply said, watching as his face first became confused, then aware.   His eyes were still probing and it was making me uncomfortable, so I tried to pry my face away from his finger. Edward wasn’t having that, and he moved his hand so he could cup the entire right side of my face, rubbing circles there. His hand was so warm, and it just felt so right there, the world could fall away right now and I wouldn’t notice. If the current was strong on my hand, it was fucking mind-blowing on my face.

“I could never hurt you,” he said softly, and I believed him. In his eyes were only sincerity, and they were begging him for me to trust him. What he didn’t know was that I already did. I trusted him far more than I even trusted myself.

My heart was surging, and I had to close my eyes before I started crying again. Edward’s hand was still on my face, and it felt so perfect there. His thumb was soothing, and it helped keep down the panic that had begun to rise in my chest. I leaned into his hand, mentally recording how the sensation felt so I could remember it always, before removing his hand and placing it back on the table. I kept my hands on his for a moment longer than necessary to revel in the electrical feeling, before I placed mine safely under the table. It had to be the last touch. It had to.

“I‘m not worried about myself,” I looked down towards the wood grain, not allowing myself to get trapped by his eyes again. I had to let him in a little, didn’t I? He wouldn’t want to hear my whole sob story, nor did I really want him to, but he deserved some explanation of why he shouldn’t get close to me.

Ugh, that would be uncomfortable conversation to have. So Edward, I have had a pretty traumatic past that interferes with my daily life, and there is a good chance I will damage you in some way if I stay with you, so it’s better if we don’t do this, ‘kay? Oh yeah, it would be just like talking about fluffy bunnies and furry kittens. Real pleasurable.

I was so into my inner monologue that I didn’t even notice that a server had brought Edward’s sandwich until I could see, out of the corner of my eye, her shoving her boobs in his face as she placed the food down in front of him. I looked up to see that he was pretty fucking oblivious, paying more attention to his food than the bimbo who was trying to fuck him with her eyes and chest right now. I didn’t like how she was staring at him, like he was a piece of meat. I nearly had a Mean Girls moment, and I was about to Cadie on her ass and jump over the table and start attacking this blonde bitch like an animal. I was however pleased that he wasn’t paying much attention to her.

Holy shit, when did I become so possessive? He’s not even mine! I didn’t want him to be mine.

Okay, I did, but I had no right to have a claim over him, to be jealous of this woman, or any other woman for that matter. It wasn’t logical to turn him away but then expect him to turn down all other women.  Damn my stupid, stupid brain.

Edward finally looked from his sandwich to the waitress, who I just noticed has a nametag that was perched right on her left breast with the name “Jessica” on it.  Seeing that she had finally caught his attention, she licked her lips and smiled like she had won the damn lottery. I could see why, Edward was gorgeous, but come on! For all she knew he was on a date with me, which technically we were, even though it was a ‘friend date‘, but she didn’t know that.

I watched as Edward muttered out a thank you, looking a little confused, and I smiled inwardly when Edward flinched away from her touch.

“If there is anything else you need, please let me know,” she said with a wink, and I felt my hand go into fists underneath the table. Oh no you didn’t bitch! I rolled my eyes as she walked away, swinging her ass like she was on some runway or something.

“ ‘I’m Jessica, and I like to stick my boobs in attractive men’ s faces at my crappy job.’ Stupid, cheap ass blonde.” I said under my breath and acting rather childlike.

“So, did that girl run over your cat or something?”  Edward looked a little amused, though a bit confused. at me.

“Pfft, some people lack professionalism these days,” I snorted before giving my best bitch face towards Jessica’s general direction.

“I thought she was professional,” he shrugged while taking a bite of his sandwich. Oh my god. Was he really that oblivious?

“You can’t be serious, she was practically drooling all over you. I thought she would straddle you right here.” I watched as Edward’s face moved from confusion to amusement, and he looked a little smug.

“Really?” he asked, turning to look in Jessica’s direction, but I wasn’t going to let him have another look, so I hit his arm. He looked back at me with his stupid crooked smile, and all thoughts dropped out of my head, taking me more than a few seconds to recover.

Damn you and your beautiful crooked smile, Cullen.

“Jesus, Edward! Are you really that unaware of yourself that you don’t notice the way most women look at you? How they’re willing to throw themselves at you? Miss blonde hussy over there…”

“Did you just say ‘hussy’?” Edward interrupted, and it was his turn for the bitchbrow. However, Edward just looked more amused, and I fought the urge to hit him again.

“Sorry,” he said in apology, but his face was anything but apologetic. He was having fun with this.

“I did, but like I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me.”  Edward laughed at me, trying to cover it up with a cough and failing miserably. I continued, ignoring him. “She is just the most blatant one so far today. You probably didn’t even notice how most of the women in this shop looked at you when you walked in. How they are looking at you now ” I motioned for him to follow my gaze, seeing at least two women ogling him from their seats. He did, and he looked surprised before blushing and looking down at his food.

“I guess I never really notice these things, I spend a lot time in my own head.” He shrugged, and I couldn’t believe it. He had to know the effect he had on women, how his mere presence in a room made any female take notice? He must be saying it to be humble. He had to be.

“So you’re honestly telling me you don’t notice that women find you beautiful beyond all reason?” I asked, before noticing what I just said. Out loud. Shit shit shit shit!  Edward looked like he couldn’t believe what I said either, then he looked incredulous, before settling on amusement again. Oh God this is embarrassing!

“Excuse me?” Yep, definitely amused. “What did you just call me?” he asked, barely hiding his smile. Smug bastard.

“Hmm?” I was trying to play dumb, albeit stupidly, since I knew I was blushing and I was a horrible liar anyways, and Edward totally called my bluff. He was leaning in, his face inches away from mine, and his breath was fawning all over my face. I almost had to remember that I was supposed to be embarrassed at the moment.

“I’m beautiful beyond all reason, huh?” Edward said, raising his eyebrows and being all smug.

“Like you didn’t know that already.”  Because honestly, how could he not? He did own a mirror at home, yes?

“No, I didn’t know that you thought of me that way.” A huge smile broke out on his face and I couldn’t believe that it was possible, but I actually was more mortified than I was before.

I wanted to answer him with some witty retort, but I couldn’t, I had no words. He had caught me again. I think I really need to work on my verbal filter when I’m around him. Either that, or Edward is far more observant than I give him credit for.

“Smug bastard,” I mumbled, though I had a slight smile on my face. It was hard to stay annoyed with him; his smile was infectious.

“Fine. I think you’re beautiful-” I said, looking down at my hands.

“Beyond all reason.”

“Yes, beyond all reason. Can we drop it now?”

“Sure,” he laughed again, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. “Though, just so you know, I don’t think that’s an apt description for myself. I think it fits better for someone else.”

What? Was he interested in someone else? Wait, that would mean
that I wanted him to be interested in me. Which I didn’t. Kind of, maybe. Okay, I wanted him to be interested in me, but he shouldn’t.

There, happy now? You got it out of me.

When I didn’t get it, Edward looked at me pointedly, and I couldn’t believe it. He thought I was beautiful? No one had ever told me that before. Well he didn’t exactly say it out loud but the sentiment was there all the same. I don’t know if it’s like this for every girl, but having a man call you beautiful is nothing like being called “hot” or “cute”, or even “pretty”. I have been called those words before, but beautiful, never had I heard that word describe me. My heart surged and I felt tears prick my eyes. Oh please don’t let me cry again.

“Me?” I asked, looking around me. It would be just my luck he was actually looking at someone else instead of me, and I was being all foolish for nothing. There was no one there.

“Yes, you,” he said as if I would be crazy not to think he was talking about me. I was wrong. Edward wasn’t the unobservant one, I was.

“You continue to surprise me, Cullen.” I smiled at him, trying to put all my gratitude for him in that one smile. He smiled back, and my God, it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I shook my head, thinking how much this man intoxicated me with his mere presence; how a smile, a word, or a look could make me lose my capability of coherent thought. Edward was a dangerous one for me, that’s for sure.

“You’re ability to go from a smug bastard to saying something like that… now that’s amazing.” I joked, but there was sincerity there. I don’t think he knew how truly amazing he made me feel.

“You know what’s amazing?” Edward smiled before taking another bit of his sandwich.

“And what would that be?” I was watching him eat, and I’ll be damned if he wasn’t beautiful doing that too.  

I was looking at my latte before taking a sip when Edward responded.

“You’re ability to distract from a conversation,” he said seriously, and fuck, I knew he was right. I had distracted him from what I was going to tell him. I honestly hadn’t consciously done it, but I didn’t try to pick the conversation back up either. I felt horrible that he could see through so easily, and I hated that I had to have this conversation with him.

Even though I knew that I wanted him, and wanted him to want me, I had to do the right thing. Well, that’s what I was trying to tell myself anyways.

“Bella,” he said, looking into my eyes.  Damn, that nearly broke me right there, but I had to be strong. “What did you mean, you’re not worried about yourself?”  He looked worried about me, and I hated that. His eyes were so intense, I had to move away and close my eyes to get away from them if I wanted to get the words out I wanted to say.

“It’s not me I’m worried about getting hurt. I’ve been hurt plenty of times in my life, and I’ve survived,” I admitted. 

Edward looked confused. “Then who…” he trailed off.

“You, Edward. You’ll get hurt, and I can’t have that happen. Not ever.” He had to understand. It would be better this way, he had to believe me.

“I…don’t understand.” He was confused, and I really didn’t want to get into more detail, but it looked like I would have to.

“Eat your sandwich,” I said, because he was seriously ignoring it and I thought he would maybe take what I had to say better on a full stomach. At least I hoped that anyway. He eyed me before taking bite, his eyes never leaving mine as he ate.

“I wasn’t joking when I said I was fucked up. You don’t know the shades of fucked up I am,” I told him, and I saw him flinch.

“I‘ve been through shit I‘m not going to describe here, but Edward, you have to understand, it‘s not a good idea to get close to me.” I really hated that this was true. I would give anything in the world to be an undamaged, happy person.

He looked almost angry when he replied, and I was taken aback. “I don’t believe that,” he hissed.

“You have to believe me.”

“Bella, I want to be your friend. So can’t we just try?” he pleaded, and he looked like he was in pain. I had to close my eyes to stop myself from crying again.

“We can’t.” I had lost all the fight in me, and I wanted to give in so badly. It would be so easy to say ‘yes Edward, we can be friends.‘  It would stop him from hurting, and stop me from hurting.  But I was pretty sure neither of us really wanted to be only friends at this point.  I needed to put a stop to this now. 

“Why not? And don’t give that hurting me bullshit, because Bella, I can take care of myself, and if I get hurt, so be it. It won’t be the first time.”

Edward was angry, and  rightfully so; I was pretty much saying no with little or no explanation. He finished his sandwich and was looking down, this time refusing to look at me. I felt a pang of hurt, and I guessed that’s what he felt when I couldn’t look at him. Frankly, it sucked.

I couldn’t stop myself, I had to comfort him, and I placed my hand on his, immediately feeling relief in his contact and the buzz of electricity that hummed between us. Edward looked up surprised, and I tried to make my face as soft as possible.

“I want to be your friend too. Despite what you’ve seen of me the past few days, you have made my life a lot better lately.” I smiled, and it was true.

Someone remind me why I was doing this again? Oh yes, for him not you.

“But?” he said, because he already knew me all too well.

“But, I can’t. We can’t. I already c-” There was that word vomit again, and I almost said ‘I already care for you too much’ but I was literally saved by the bell when my cell phone rang. Thank God. Telling him I cared about him too much would not be helping me in this situation.

I grabbed my bag, and searched it, internally cursing myself for owning such a large one since I couldn’t never find anything in it, and almost sighed in relief when I finally found my phone. My relief however was short lived, when I saw who was calling me. I frowned down at my phone. I did not want to talk to him right now.

“I have to take this, is that alright?” I asked, and Edward just nodded, staring at the place our hands used to be.

“Hey,” I said into the phone as I walked from the table to go outside. I didn’t want Edward to hear this conversation.

“Hey, Bells!” The cheerful voice on the other end called, and I cringed. How can one person be so damn sunny and positive all the time? “How’s it going?”

“Working long hours for little money. You know, the usual.”

“So not missing me too much?” he joked. I hadn’t missed him at all really. I actually forgot that he existed up until now, and I knew exactly why that was.

“I’m surviving.” I wasn’t wholly into this conversation instead, I was watching Edward through the front window as he rubbed his hands on his face and through his hair, making it look like a tornado just went through it.

“Bella? Are you still there?” I had totally forgotten that I was talking on the phone due to my Edward ogling.

“Yeah, sorry. I was distracted. So what’s up?” I asked, wondering why he was calling. We hadn’t talked for over a month. Since he left New York, actually.

He sounded nervous and awkward. “I err, well, my dad is doing better now, a lot better actually, and I think I may murder him if we spend much more time around each other…” Okay, get to the point. “So I wanted to let you know I’ll probably be back in town by the end of the month.” Oh. Ohhh. Now I knew why he was calling me out of the blue.

“Oh,” I brilliantly said. I didn’t know how to do this, at least not over the phone.

“Yeah, so if you want to hang out when I’m back…”

“Uh,” I stalled.

He ignored me as he rushed through the rest of his words. “Listen, my dad is bugging me to go fishing with him so I have to go, but I’ll call you when I get back to New York, ‘kay?”

“Okay,” I said. At least I could talk to him in person when he was back in the city. Not that I knew what I would say, or what I wanted, but it gave me a month to figure it out.

“Bye Bells. I miss you.”

“See you, Jake.” I hung up before he could respond and immediately felt guilty.

Really, I have this shit on top of everything else? I groaned and tried to push this Jake business out of my head, turning to look at Edward again. He looked frustrated with something, and then he slammed his head down on the table. I jumped, worried that he had passed out or something, but I could see his hands move to his hair again, so I assumed he was okay. I took the time outside to myself to think.

I knew I didn’t want whatever Jake and I had before he left, it wasn’t that special anyways. And I wasn’t interested in starting something else with him, even though he looked like he did. Ugh, that would be a mine field to navigate.

So what did I want then? I didn’t want to be alone, as much as I tried to keep myself that way, I knew I didn’t want that. And as much as I wanted to tell myself that I didn’t know what I wanted, I knew it was lie.

What I wanted had been the focus of my life since he entered it. What I wanted was someone who had known me for three days but it felt like I had known him a lifetime. I was hurting the one I wanted, and I hated myself for it. My rational side said I should just let things be.  He made me happy, and he seemed to be happy with me, except for when I was trying to leave him, so maybe I should just give in?    

How bad could it be? He said he knew what he was doing, so why not give in and be friends?

Being more than that with Edward would get too complicated, but friends? I could do that, I just hoped he could.

I took a deep breath before walking back into the store, preparing myself to give in and not fight anymore. It was terrifying but oddly relieving in a way. Maybe it was just that I knew I would be closer to Edward soon, and my body knew I could relax around him. He seemed just as relieved as I was when he saw me, and I could tell he was ridiculously happy when I told him we could still be friends. His stupid infectious grin made me all giddy inside, and I was glad I did this. Glad I gave in, even just a little bit.

Looking back, I know this day was significant for me, even though I wouldn’t fully realize its significance until later.  But on that sunny day in early May, staring at the beautiful bronzed haired boy through a coffee shop window, I gave in.

Little did I know what truly happened when I gave in that day.

I started to fall in love.

****
The next few weeks were both simultaneously heaven and hell for me. It was heaven because Edward and I were nearly attached at the hip. We talked everyday, even if we weren’t working together, and I wouldn’t go a few days without seeing him.

It was hell because the nightmares had become almost nightly now. That hadn’t happened since the first few years after my mother’s death, so I was really confused as to why it was happening now. They left me feeling ragged, tired and depressed, the only light being my days with Edward.

When I was with him, I would feel so light and buoyant, like I wasn’t the messed up person with the horrible past. I  felt like I could just be normal. Edward made me laugh, smile, and as ridiculous and lame as it sounds, I felt like he had made me glow from the inside out.

Our phone conversations started taking up half the night.  And then there were the times that I tried to be a nice friend and decided I would make sure he was up, you know, as a back up.  

Alright, and maybe I just wanted to hear his voice again. More than maybe.

Shut up.

“gahelos?” A voice groaned out; he sounded like wounded animal.

“Was that supposed to be ‘hello’ ?”

“Bella?” Edward yawned, sounding a tad more coherent. “Why are you calling so early?”  He sounded so sleepy, and I pictured him all cuddled up in his sheets. I wondered what he wore to bed? Pj’s? Boxers? Or nothing at all? God damn it, now I was picturing Edward naked, and as glorious that could potentially be, (who am I kidding, the Greek god with no clothes on?  God help me!), it would not be helpful if I thought of my friend that way. Which I did. A lot. I shook my head to try to remove the images from my head, and tried to sound a little more coherent than Edward when I responded.

“We have a meeting to go to this morning.” Do not think of Edward naked. Do not think of Edward naked. Do not think of the happy trail you got a glimpse of the other day. Do not think of how soft the hair looked there, or how it dragged your eyes to the V at his hips… Oh my, I may have just had an aneurysm. Or an orgasm, which ever. 
“Yeah, I know that Bella. That’s why I set an alarm,” Edward said, chuckling and bringing me out of my semi-perverted fantasies about him. Good thing Edward couldn’t see me right now, if he did, he’d see I was pink from head to toe.

“I figured you did. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to sleep in, and by the sound of your voice, it sounds like you did.”

“I did not. It’s only 7 A.M.” Poor Edward, I was really hated having to do this to him.

“Uh, I would check that clock again Edward. It’s eight.”

“What? You’ve got to be kidding me! I could have sworn it was just seven!” I heard him rustle around, I assumed to actually see if it was in fact eight, and not that I was shitting him. “Fuck.” Edward kept muttering into the phone, it was actually kind of humorous, his panicking. I was hearing things shuffle around in the background, and then I heard him huffing a little farther a way from the receiver.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m changing for work. What does it sound like I’m doing?” Oh, he was cranky. Note to self, Edward is NOT a morning person.

“If you’re changing, then why are you talking to me?” The knowledge that he was not fully dressed at the moment was not helping the plan to not think of Edward in perverted ways.

“Huh?” his voice said, closer this time.

“Well, we’re not exactly making great conversation here.”

“Oh, I guess I… I guess I didn’t think of that.” He sounded like he wanted to say something else, but changed his mind at the last second. Maybe Edward just wanted to hear my voice as well? I smiled at the thought and began to feel that weird glowing feeling again.

“Tell you what Edward, why don’t I let you finish getting ready and I’ll see you when you get to work, okay?”

“Uh, sure.” Edward still sounded groggy and I felt bad for the poor boy.

“I’ll get coffee for us on the way,” I promised, knowing that it would probably make him feel better.

Edward sighed. “Thanks. I owe you one.”

“Hardly,” I snorted. “Just doing my job, Cullen.”

“Oh yeah, so you call all the other employees to make sure they’re up and buy them coffee  as well?” he laughed. Damn it, he got me again, and he knew it.

“Shut-up, Cullen,” I snapped, using my go-to phrase as of late. I usually did it when he was being annoyingly observant, deflecting the truth from him and from myself.

“See you at work, Bella,” he said before laughing once more.

“Don’t be late,” I answered curtly before hanging up. I had been dressed and ready to go before I called, so I was actually running a little early. I decided to forgo buying coffee on the way there, and made some of my own for us before I left. I thought I made a pretty decent cup of coffee, and really hoped Edward liked it.

You know what they say, a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Wait, I didn’t just say that. I didn’t want a way to Edward’s heart. Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, I’m pretty sure my brain rolled its metaphorical eyes at me.

After making coffee for the both of us and placing them into two reusable mugs, I grabbed a granola bar for myself, then went back for another, knowing that Edward wouldn’t have time for breakfast, and rushed out the door. When I got there, I almost laughed when I saw him. His clothes were slightly crinkled, like he just picked up the first thing he saw on his bedroom floor, and his eyes looked lazy, almost like he was sleeping standing up. His hair was a complete and utter disaster, sticking up in every which way in some places, and flattened down in others.

“Here,” I said, placing one of the mugs in Edward’s hands. “You look like you need this.” Edward took a sip and I could see him wake up a bit. I handed him the granola bar, and then began chewing on mine. He looked a bit surprised at the gesture, but started eating his own as well.

“You are a officially my hero now,” he mumbled between bites.

“Is that so?” I looked at him, and he was giving me that damn crooked smile again, and I blushed, nearly dropping my coffee.

“Mhm. I may have to a erect a statue in your honour.”

“Pfft. That won‘t be necessary.” And I reddened because he had used the word ‘erect’. Oh god, what am I, a twelve year old boy?

Edward had a full blown smile now, no doubt because of my obvious blushing, and his eyes were crinkling in an incredibly cute way. So cute, that I almost sighed out loud. Sweet, I had gone from twelve year old boy to a twelve year old girl in seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a new record!

“Hm, well, I could always sing to you.” A wicked glint came to his eye, and shit he was going to actually do it, wasn’t he?

“Oh please no, don’t.” I pleaded, looking at the other co-workers around the room, hoping that would prevent him from singing.

Edward saw me look around, and he winked at me. “Too late, Swan. Shouldn’t have given me caffeine.” He sucked in a breath and I jumped to try and put my hand over his mouth to stop him, but he jumped out of the way.

“Did you ever know that you’re my hero,” Edward sang, and even though he was fooling around, his voice was actually pretty pleasant sounding. His voice was sort of raspy, kind of like Jeff Buckley, and despite the very cheesy song choice, it sounded oddly soulful. I would probably pay good money to have him record that shit in a different situation.

“And ev'rything I would like to be?” People were looking at us now, and I could feel the embarrassment crawling up my skin.

“Oh god,” I said, putting my face in my hands

“I can fly higher than an eagleeee,” He laughed/sung and I ran and tried to cover his mouth with my hand. This time I was successful since I grabbed onto the back of his head with my other hand, but he kept on singing, his voice only now muffled by my hand. “ 'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.”

“Please stop. Or do you want to embarrass yourself more in front of our co-workers?”  I could feel Edward smile beneath my hand, and he chuckled. I was vaguely aware that I still had my other hand gripped in his hair, and I resisted my urge to run my hands through it. It did feel very soft though.

“Fine, If it makes you happy, I’ll stop,” he mumbled underneath my hand. “Can you let go of me now? I‘m sort of having a hard time breathing under here. ”

“Breath through your nose then.” I replied, still not letting go of him. Why was I not letting him go? If anything my grip got tighter.

“Bella…”

“What?”

“If you don’t let go, I’ll lick your hand.” My eyes widened in surprise. 

“You wouldn‘t…” I said, narrowing my eyes. He raised his eyebrows in return, and swiftly brought his hand around my wrist, holding my hand where it was. It took too long for me to figure out what he was doing, and when I did, it was too late. Edward glided his tongue up the middle of my hand, leaving a trail of wetness behind. I let go of him and jumped back, rubbing my palm on the side of my pants.

“Ew, Edward! Why the hell would you do that?” I yelped, ignoring the several people who had been staring at us since Edward started singing. He looked playful and smug. Stupid, smug bastard.

“I told you I was going to lick you if you didn’t let go,” he shrugged. I rolled my eyes at him, and moved back towards him. It was that damn magnet again, it always made sure we were never far apart when we were together.

“That was gross, don’t ever do that again,” I said looking up at him, while thinking please, please do that again!
“I make no promises, Swan,” Edward replied, and the wicked look in his eyes came back. I pushed his head away with my hand, sneakily feeling his hair again, and Edward laughed. I rolled my eyes again, but I couldn’t help chuckling with him.

A female voice cleared her throat behind me, and I looked to find Betty looking at us speculatively. Oh no, how long had she been watching us? “We’re about to start the meeting, you guys ready to go?” she asked, eyeing me and then Edward. I shifted a little so I wasn’t standing so close to him, putting some space between us.

“Yes, Betty.” Edward answered, and she nodded her head before walking to the front of the room to start the meeting, but not before looking at me strangely again. Edward chuckled and leaned against the wall behind him, I followed, and after a few minutes, I noticed Edward was still smiling.

“What are you smiling at?” I whispered.

His grin widened but he kept his eyes on the front of the room. “It’s nothing,” he laughed quietly, and I wanted to smack him. I felt like I was being left out of an inside joke or something.

“Remind me to never give you coffee again,” I huffed back, looking to the front and biting my lip. From the corner of my eye, I saw Edward turn to look at me. His face became serious, and I swear I saw him lick his lips in a very predatory way. I blushed and tried to distract myself by paying attention to Betty’s presentation, not looking at Edward once. I did however, feel his eyes on me the entire time, and there it was. That glow again.

****

A few days later, I was sitting with Edward once again as he worked. I would usually sit and watch him work,  admiring the view while I was there, and more often than not, I would ask one of the many questions that I had forgotten in our phone conversations.  Edward claimed he didn’t notice when women threw themselves at him.  I couldn’t understand it.  He was a attractive, smart and funny guy, and I had even seen women fawn over him in the past. He remained humble, saying that he was awkward and clumsy.  Yeah, I’ll give him that. I had never seen a man with such a capacity to drop and trip over things, and he sometimes muttered an awkward comment to me, but he was generally pretty collected and polite. He was even pretty charming with me, and I had seen him do the same with Betty as well. For him, I think it was a self-esteem issue; Edward didn’t see himself the way I did, and I tried to tell him that. He didn’t seem to believe me, and I made it my goal to help Edward see what I saw; the amazing man that he was. Not that I wanted girls to fawn over him, I just wanted him to realize who he really was.

When I told him he could charm the pants of anyone if he wanted to, he looked at me like I had just told him pigs could fly.  Soon after however, the wicked glint in his eye that he had after the hand licking incident came back, and he asked me if he was charming the pants off me. Of course I blushed, thinking how nice it would be for him to get my pants off.  Oh, who am I kidding, it would be nice for me as well.  It didn’t help that he was of course right, just not about the pants part. Yet.

He was surprised that I knew about the cougar incident, but really, how could I not have heard. Yeah, the store was pretty big, but it wasn’t that big. Rumours and stories usually spread like wildfire here, so I knew about the whole thing pretty soon after it happened. I didn’t mention it to him until now because I was waiting for the right moment, and I figured it would be a good way to distract him from my ridiculous blushing. Plus, Edward squirming in embarrassment was pretty hilarious.

I did have a point though. Nobody would stand for it, and I knew especially Edward wouldn’t, if I had some dirty old man pulling the same thing the cougar did on him.  Although the situation was one of the funniest things I ever heard in my life, I couldn’t help feeling that I wanted to kick Irina’s ass a little bit too.

I had walked to stand by him as he was hiding from embarrassment, and we were now standing incredibly close together again, and I could smell the scent of Edward’s skin. He smelled musky, but in a good way, with the added cologne that I still couldn’t name, but it intoxicated me. I looked at Edward and his eyes looked so deep and so blue, I got lost in them for a moment. I began to lick my lips, in preparation for what my body wanted me to do, but I caught myself just in time, looking down at my watch as a distraction.

“Oh look! It’s time for your break!” I said as I practically shoved my watch into his face. I doubt he could actually read it, it was so close. Edward looked rather bewildered at the moment, and I thought maybe, just maybe, he was a little intoxicated by my presence as well. Not that I wanted that.

“Don’t worry, I’ll finish up here,” I turned to his pile of books and put them in the open spaces, trying to distract myself.

“Okay…” Edward almost questioned, and went off his lunch break. I kept on working until all the books were up and all the spaces were filled, while at the same time trying to not think of Edward, and the non-friend like feelings I had towards him.

 It was really no use,  he was all I could think about. My mind drifted off to the way he smelled, and how his skin felt on mine. How the mere sound of his voice could soothe me, and how pleasant the electric current that passed between us felt. I remembered vividly the way his tongue felt on my palm, and the way his hair felt in my hand.  I then moved to things that I hadn’t experienced; the, er, more adult thoughts that I had trouble controlling.   Again, not helpful, not helpful at all.

I was in the middle of a fantasy that involved acts that could be performed in  this very store, and I was getting myself pretty hot when I was poked in the shoulder with someone’s finger. I turned to look, and there was a man, who looked to be in his fifties or sixties, looking at me with contempt. He wasn’t a tall man, only a few inches taller than my 5’4” frame, roundish, and his skin was flushed, like he had been burnt by the sun.

“May I help you sir?” I asked in my polite sales associate voice, plastering a fake smile on my face. The man narrowed his eyes at me, probably not falling for my act.

“I need help finding a book,” he said, sounding like he was slurring his words, but I wasn’t totally sure. I kept up my cheery act.

“Well, you’ve come to the right place, which one are you looking for?” He told me the title, and it was some obscure World War Two non-fiction book that I had never heard before. He didn’t know the author so the only thing I had to go on was the title and the fact it was about the war. I didn’t think we had it, but I led him over to the history section anyways. I was right, we didn’t have it.

“Why don’t I look it up in the store computer, in case it was misplaced in another section? I asked, and that placated him a little. When I did search it, I found that it was a limited edition, and that we could only get it if we ordered it.

“I’m very sorry, we don’t have the book in stock I’m afraid,” looking like I was actually as sorry as I was saying. In truth, I really couldn’t care less.

“You are the largest store in the area! What the hell do you mean you don’t have it?” he snarled at me, and I flinched from his voice. It started to bring up horrible images in my head from years past, but held myself together, pushing those memories back with equal force.

“I’m sorry sir, we just don’t have it in stock right now. It’s a limited edi-” I began to say before he interrupted me, getting louder and louder with each word.

“I don’t care if it’s a God damn limited edition, your store promises to have any book any one could possibly need! And YOU don’t have this one?”

“Again, I apologize for the inconvenience, but we don’t currently have the book in stock. We can order it though, and have the book here in a couple of weeks,” I said politely, though my voice was laced with venom. He didn’t like that all, and before I knew it he was so close to my face that I could smell the whiskey on his breath as he yelled at me.

“I don’t want to order it in, you little bitch! You’re supposed to fucking have it in!” he barked, sticking his stubby finger in my face. I couldn’t help it then, the horrible images broke out of their vault and assaulted me, my blood rushing from my face and hands, and I couldn’t see the scene in front of me anymore.

The short man grew taller and leaner, and his eyes turned from dull brown to a frightening shade of grey. His face morphed into one I knew all too well, and his bald head sprouted hairs until it was one with hair as black as an oil slick.

It was dark and I was in my house again, my room this time, hiding underneath my bed from him.

“Where is that little bitch?” his sandpaper voice bellowed throughout the house. I cowered deeper into the shadows. “She left her bloody shoes out and I tripped over them!”

“Phil,” my mother slurred, and I could hear her clomping around behind him. “She’s just a kid, give her a break.” She wasn’t very convincing.

“I’m not giving her a break, she needs to learn not to leave her shit all over the place,” he spat and began to stumble up the stairs.

“Isabella,” he called, sounding like he was a hunter looking for his prey. I stilled my breath, hoping that if I didn’t breathe, he couldn’t find me.

He did.

The image flashed, and I was now being dragged out by my arms across the floor boards, me screaming and kicking while my mother yelled for him to stop.

He pulled me down the stairs, my shins hitting the steps hard enough that it would surely leave bruises. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, he threw me to the ground in front of the offending shoes, so that my face was over them.

“What the fuck did I tell you about this? Huh?” he spat, pushing my nose into the shoes. I hadn’t meant to leave them out, I knew how mad he would get. I was just so scared when I heard his voice after I came in from school that I left my shoes by the front door and ran to my room.

“I’m sorry!” I yelled, tears flowing quickly down my face. He chuckled darkly and shoved my face further.

“Philip! Stop it, you’re hurting her!” My mom was there now, and she tried to pull him off me, but she was drunk and much weaker than him. He pushed her so hard that she hit the wall beside us with a thunk. He had loosened his hold on me when he did that, and I used that opportunity to try and run away. I got out of his grasp, but he was too fast, and he grabbed me from behind, pulling his arm across me. I grabbed his large hand as he was doing so, and brought to my mouth, biting it as hard as I possibly could.

“Arggg!” he yelped, pulling his hand and wrenching back, again freeing me from his grasp. I began to run, run through the rest of the house, down the steps, and into our backyard. I ran until I hit the fence, realising my error too late. I was trapped.

He caught up with me, and smiled this twisted smile rubbing the fresh bite mark on his hand.

“You’re going to pay for that Isabella,” he said with an eerie calm, and that frightened me more than the yelling.

Suddenly I wasn’t in the backyard, now I was in the living room, with my mother moaning in pain in the background. The light changed, and I saw his shadow come over me, pinning my body down on the floor with one arm, the other raised with thin, long belt in its hand.

“Stop, please. No no no no no no no…” I screamed out, knowing exactly what he was going to do. Phil just laughed and raised it higher.

“Shouldn’t have bit me then,” he snarled and moved to whip me with the belt.


“Bella?”  I heard my name being called, but it was distant, like a dream. “Are you okay?” I wanted to scream at this voice. Couldn’t they see I wasn’t okay? Something happened  in that moment that I heard the voice, time began to slow down.

“Shh, Bella. It’s just me, Edward. Can you hear me?” I remember that voice, it was comforting, and it brought pleasant memories with it.

“Please make it stop,” I pleaded, the belt coming closer with each passing second. Even though it had been slowed, I knew that it would still hurt, and it would hurt bad.

“I promise I’ll make it stop, okay?”  I heard his voice say, the light changing from dark to light, and the images became blurry.

“Bella, honey? You need to tell me how to help you,”  Edward’s voice was calm, and I felt a warm and soft hand at my face.

“Edward?” My voice whispered, worried that I would go back to that hell again if I spoke any louder.

“Yes, hun. It’s me,” he said softly, and I began to open my eyes. When I did, the image melted. I was no longer in my dark house, I was in the light, and I saw bronze. Bronze and blue.  In fact, in this light, that he almost appeared to be sparkling.

As my vision began to clear, I finally saw him. His face was worried, but I didn’t care. He was here and he had saved me from the darkness.

“Edward,” I sighed, and I wanted to be buried in his arms, but I couldn’t move my limbs.

“Bella, please. You need to tell me what do. Tell me how to help,” he pleaded. 

“Keep me here with you,” Please. I can’t go back there.

“I’m here,” he said softly, but my vision began to shift again, and I was terrified that I was going back to the belt that would break my skin. Just then, I felt myself being pulled, and for a moment I thought I was being dragged by Phil again, but it wasn’t his rough and dry hand that had pulled me, these were soft and warm. I wasn’t slammed to the ground, I was tucked into Edward’s chest, his arms circling around me, and his scent covering me like a blanket. My head was near his heart, and I could hear every  beat. It became my life line.  As long as I  could hear his heart beat, I’m safe.

I’m safe.