Chapter 6

“You’re right,” I said, my voice husky. “That was good.” 

I had no idea what I was saying, it kind of just fell out of my mouth. Bella had just fed me a brownie that must have been made by the gods it was so good; and on top of that, it had been one of the most sensual experiences of my life. I was now currently sporting the largest hard on in the world underneath the small table that was between us, and there was no way it would let up if I kept watching Bella eat, not to mention the attractive flush that was now on her face and neck. For once in my life, I didn’t feel embarrassed or awkward. I felt hungry, and definitely not for food.

I don’t know if she had fed me like that on purpose, which meant she had been flirting with me, violating her own ‘we’re just friends’ promise, or if it was completely unintentional on her part. It had seemed deliberate. I mean, most people don’t feed their friends little pieces of heaven like that with such obvious sensuality, right? Maybe I should put another check in the pro ‘Bella liked me’  list…

“I told you,” Bella said, still looking down at the remaining bits of her brownie, her blush slowly creeping away from her face. She shoveled the last bit in and then looked up to meet my eyes, and I didn’t know what she saw in mine, probably lust since I was pretty turned on at the moment, but her eyes widened as she took a sharp breath in before worrying her lip. My God, was she trying to kill me? Or better yet, was my dick trying to kill me by liking everything this woman did? I shifted myself underneath the table in attempt to lift the massive strain on my jeans at the moment, though in doing such movement, it brought little relief.

“What?” I asked, looking back up at Bella, and she had moved her plate and was now leaning closer to me, her arms folded in front of her. She was still biting her lip, and there was a crease between her eyebrows. I was usually distracted by her beauty, but things like the ridiculously low-cut blue tank top and tiny shorts made me lose my capacity to think. 

Now that I could stare at her face unobserved,  I could see things I had never seen before. Under her wide, chocolate brown eyes, there were dark circles  that had looked like she had attempted to cover them up; she looked like she hadn’t slept properly in days. Bella was also pale, almost in the extreme, and I could make out the veins underneath her skin, pulsating and blue.

As I moved my gaze down to the line of her neck and down to her exposed shoulder, I noticed a splattering of tiny scars that curved over her it and onto her arm. They were thin little raised lines, and I wondered what could cause such a thing. They looked like they had been deep at one time, so it surely must have been painful. I filed that observation under one of the many mysteries of Bella Swan.

“This is wrong,” Bella answered.  I whipped my head up, afraid that Bella had caught me staring at her scars, but she was still looking down towards the table. Her voice was sad, and I could see the sadness on her face now. I ached to reach over and cup her face with my hand, but I knew I couldn’t, so I settled for setting one of my hands on top of hers. I again felt the inexplicable jolt I had always felt whenever we had physical contact, and I knew Bella could feel it too, by the way her eyes widened at out hands and her mouth making a tiny ‘o’ in surprise.

“You mean this?” My voice sounded angry, and I was surprised at my reaction. I could feel her try and move her hand away from mine, but I kept a firm grasp on her, I didn’t want to give up on this feeling that was passing between us, and I really didn’t want to Bella to bolt, like I felt she was going to. Bella still wasn’t looking at me, and I needed her to answer me, so I pulled out another ballsy Edward move, and put my finger underneath her chin, tilting it up so she would have to face me. It worked, but her eyes were still downcast, eluding me.

“Bella, look at me.” She looked up, and her eyes were so incredibly sad, it made my hard on immediately deflate. “Why is this wrong?” I asked, as I stared into her eyes, probing.

“It will hurt.” Bella stared back at me, and I could tell her in face that she truly believed that. I stupidly felt joy, because it solidified the idea that Bella felt something for me, and that she was only trying push me away out of fear.

Bella went to move her face from my finger and escape my gaze, but I refused to let her. I wanted to make myself clear and show her that she didn’t have to be afraid of me, so I threw out the whole not-cupping-her-face thing, and moved my hand to her cheek and started rubbing small circles there with my thumb. It was something Esme used to do when I was little, so I figured it would work as a comforting gesture for Bella. She looked surprised by the movement, but she didn’t flinch. I took that as a good sign.

“I could never hurt you,” I said, trying to convey with my voice and with my eyes that this was the truth, and that she could trust me. She closed her eyes, and I feared she’d slap my hand away, but she didn’t. Instead, she leaned into my hand and sighed. After an immeasurable moment, Bella opened her eyes and moved my hand from her face, taking it in both of hers before placing it back on the table in front of us. She held her hand over mine for a small second, perhaps in thanks, before pulling both of hers under the table.

“I‘m not worried about myself,” Bella spoke finally as she looked back down at the table. I frowned in confusion, and I was about to ask what she meant by that, when I was interrupted.

“Sorry ’bout the wait,” a rather high pitched female voice said, and I recognized it vaguely as the girl who took our order, but I wasn’t quite sure  since I was still staring at Bella, who was now tracing patterns in the woodgrain with her finger. The server/waitress/whatever was babbling on, and I barely paid attention, my focus completely on Bella. “… but here’s your turkey club.”  A plate was placed in front of me, and I glanced down to see that was in fact the turkey club I had ordered, and looked back up in time to see Bella staring daggers at girl who just placed my food in front of me. I followed Bella’s gaze and I finally looked at our server. She was looking right at me, and she licked her lips before smiling at me.

“Thank you,” I answered politely and a little confused. The girl’s smile grew wide and she placed her hand on my shoulder, not noticing that I stiffened at her touch.

“If there is anything else you need, please let me know,” she said in her high-pitched baby voice, winking at me before before walking away. I turned to look back at Bella, and I caught her rolling her eyes and muttering under her breath. I didn’t catch all of it, but it sounded something like “cheap ass blonde”, was thrown in there.

“So, did that girl run over your cat or something?” I picked up my sandwich and began eat it.  It was good, though not quite orgasm brownie good, but still pretty decent all the same.

“Pfft,” Bella huffed before taking a sip of her latte. “Some people lack I professionalism these days.” Bella’s eyes moved to the server’s direction again, and she narrowed her eyes.

“I thought she was professional.” I said, not completely understanding what the hell was going on between Bella and the girl who had brought me my sandwich. This time Bella rolled her eyes at me. 

“You can’t be serious,” Bella muttered in disbelief as she looked at me for the first time since before we were interrupted. “She was practically drooling all over you. I thought she would straddle you right here.” Bella gestured to the table, and I finally put two and two together. Bella was jealous of our server.  Because said server was flirting with me. I tried not to laugh and not sound a little overjoyed at that fact when I answered her back.

“Really?” I said in mock interest and began to look back in the server’s direction. I was not interested in her at all, but I wanted to see what Bella’s reaction was. She didn’t disappoint as I felt her swat my arm, and I looked back at her with a crooked smile. Bella’s face had been accusing, but when I had smiled at her, her expression went blank. She sat like that for a few seconds before shaking her head and then looking at me in the eye.

“Jesus, Edward. Are you really that unaware of yourself that you don’t notice the way most women look at you? How they’re willing to throw themselves at you? Miss blonde hussy over there… “  I knew now that Bella was distracting me from our conversation before we were interrupted, and I wanted to talk to her about what she meant again, but I was also really eager to see how the whole ‘Bella is jealous’ played out, so I went along with it.

“Did you just say ‘hussy’?” I interrupted, and Bella glared at me. Apparently our server wasn’t the only one Bella could stare daggers at, and I was actually starting to enjoy her “bitchface”.   Her anger was amusing, like a kitten trying to be a tiger. “Sorry,”  I said and gestured for her to continue.

“I did,” Glare. “but like I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me,” Bella narrowed her eyes at me and this time I couldn’t stop the laugh that came out, and I tried to cover it with a cough. “She is just the most blatant one so far today. You probably didn’t even notice how most of the women in this shop looked at you when you walked in. How they are looking at you now.” Bella said quietly and then looked around her. I followed her eyes, and true to her word, there was a woman in the corner glancing over at me from behind her laptop, and another woman who seemed to be here with another man, not even making it a secret that she was staring at me. I looked down, uncomfortable. I knew that I was a decent looking guy, and I had been told by women before that they found me attractive, but I never really took it to heart. I guess I still thought of myself as an awkward looking teenager, and as any other clumsy person would tell you, I hated eyes focused on me.

 “I guess I never really notice these things,” I shrugged, and Bella raised her eyebrow at me.  “I spend a lot time in my own head.”

“So you’re honestly telling me you don’t notice that women find you beautiful beyond all reason?” My eyes bolted back to Bella, and her eyes were open wide in fear with her mouth wide, like she herself couldn’t believe what she just said.

Did she just say- No. My mind ran laps as I was pretty staggered. Did she just call me beautiful? No, not just beautiful, she called me ‘beautiful beyond all reason’. Who calls a man that anyways? I had used a similar description for Bella before, but for her to use the same word for me? That was mind-boggling.

I was however, elated that Bella would think of me that way, despite how absurd it was.

“Excuse me?” A smile was threatening to break out on my lips, and Bella looked like someone had just caught her red handed, which I suppose I just did. “What did you just call me?”

“Hmm?” Bella bit her lip and looked everywhere but at me. “I don’t really remember.” She shrugged in nonchalance, but blushed wildly, giving away her lie. Not that I would have believed her anyways, I’m not that stupid. Plus it looked like being a good liar was not one of Bella’s strong points. 

“I really think you do,” I murmured. I noticed there that we had again unconsciously leaned towards each other over the table, so that now my chest was hovering over my sandwich and Bella’s face was close to mine, like we were in a secret conversation, and it probably looked like we were lovers. If only, I laughed inwardly.

“I’m beautiful beyond all reason, huh?” I asked, and Bella’s face was a vibrant shade of red.

“Like you didn’t know that already,” Bella argued, but missed her admittance that had slipped out.

“No, I didn’t know that you thought of me that way.” A smile crept across my face and I felt a bit smug. She knew I had caught her, and she opened her mouth to respond, but quickly closed it again. I chuckled.

“Smug bastard,” she mumbled, though smiling a bit despite herself. She sighed and then moved her hidden hands back on the table so she could look at them instead of looking at me. “Fine. I think you’re beautiful-”

“Beyond all reason,” I interrupted.

“Yes, beyond all reason. Can we drop it now?” Bella was extremely embarrassed, but I didn’t feel too bad, she could consider it as payback for not warning me before falling over that box yesterday.

“Sure,” I laughed, “Though, just so you know, I don’t think that’s an apt description for myself. I think it fits better for someone else.” Bella looked confused and I looked pointedly at her. Realization sparked her face, and I saw several emotions flicker across her face; surprise, incredulity, a few more that passed too quickly before I could decipher them, and then she finally looked…touched?

“Me?” she asked, and she looked around like she thought I was speaking of some incredible beauty that had somehow appeared behind her.

“Yes, you.” The emotion flicked by again. She was touched.

“You continue to surprise me, Cullen.” Bella smiled at me, and I smiled back. It was just so easy to be with her. Smiles were never forced, and we both called each other out on our shit. I never felt awkward and fumbling with her, I felt quite the opposite actually, which is a surprise for me. Bella shook her head and smiled to herself before continuing. “You’re ability to go from a smug bastard to saying something like that… now that’s amazing.”

“You know what’s amazing?” I countered, taking another bite of my sandwich.

“And what would that be?” Bella said, cradling her mug between both her hands.

“You’re ability to distract from a conversation.” Bella looked from her mug to me with surprise, and then any joy that had been sparked by our joking was sucked out of her, and it was replaced by pain and sadness. I almost regretted bringing it up again, but I needed to know what she had meant before.

“Bella,” I said, looking into her eyes. She didn’t look away this time, but they still looked incredibly sad. “What did you mean, you’re not worried about yourself?”  

Bella ran her hands through her hair and leaned back against her chair, giving herself some space. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before answering me.

“It’s not me I’m worried about getting hurt. I’ve been hurt plenty of times in my life, and I’ve survived.”

“Then who…” I trailed off, realization hitting me like a ton of bricks at the same time she spoke.

“You, Edward. You’ll get hurt, and I can’t have that happen. Not ever.” Bella had opened her eyes now, and she was looking at me with determination; she meant what she said.

Why was she so worried about hurting me, though? I could never see Bella hurting someone intentionally, physically or emotionally, and I can surely take care of myself in both of those situations. Even the fact that she wasn’t at all worried about getting herself hurt, which seemed incredibly selfless in my eyes, added to my conviction that Bella was not capable of the hurt she was afraid of causing me.

“I…don’t understand.” I said. Bella looked like she was debating something and sat thinking for a moment. She sat back up in the chair so that she was again leaning over the table, though not as close as before. “Eat your sandwich,” she said, and I almost laughed she sounded like my mother. I picked it up and took a large bite, hoping that would be good enough for her to continue. Part of me knew I was probably torturing myself with this, but as always, I wanted to figure out the inner workings of Bella’s mind.

“I wasn’t joking when I said I was fucked up. You don’t know the shades of fucked up I am,“ she said bitterly, and I flinched. I really didn’t like her describing herself like that. “I‘ve been through shit I‘m not going to describe here, but Edward, you have to understand, it‘s not a good idea to get close to me.”  

I was shocked at her admission. How could she think that about herself? Had someone told her that? If that was true, I wanted to punch them in the face. Repeatedly. Huh, I thought, that’s interesting. I’m normally a non-violent person…

“I don’t believe that,” I said, and she looked taken aback, before settling into determination again.

“You have to believe me,” she pleaded.

“Bella, I want to be your friend.” I actually wanted way more than that, but one has to take baby steps in this type of situation, “So can’t we just try?” I pleaded back, I hoped the desperation in my voice wasn’t too apparent. Bella closed her eyes again and bit her lip, she looked like she was in so much pain. I hated that I was pushing this, but I had to. She was trying to push me away and I couldn’t allow her to do it, I needed her too much now.

“We can’t,” Bella said softly, and the determination had left her eyes and was replaced with defeat.

“Why not? And don’t give that hurting me bullshit, because Bella, I can take care of myself, and if I get hurt, so be it. It won’t be the first time.” I took an angry bite from my sandwich, finishing it up. I was looking down at my now empty plate when I felt a warm hand on top of mine. I looked at Bella’s tiny hand on mine, and then looked at her. She was looking at me, and her features softened before she answered me.

“I want to be your friend too. Despite what you’ve seen of me the past few days, you have made my life a lot better lately.” She smiled lightly.

“But?” I said, since I knew it was coming.

“But, I can’t. We can’t. I already c-” Bella was interrupted by a shrill ring of a cell phone, and she removed her hand from mine to reach for her bag. I was left gaping at her and frozen in my spot, my hand actually aching at the absence that her hand had left. What the hell was she going to say? I nearly went crazy as she rifled through her obscenely large handbag , and then finally pulling out her phone. She looked down at the screen and frowned.

“I have to take this, is that alright?” she asked quickly, and I nodded since I feared that if I opened my mouth now, I might not be able to control my voice. Bella sighed and flipped her phone open, muttering a soft “hey” to whoever was on the other line, and moved to take her conversation outside. Once she was gone, I rubbed my hands on my face and banged it against the table once for good measure. I had a million questions in my mind, and any answer Bella gave me was causing more questions. What was she going to say before she was cut off? My jealous thoughts were wondering who she was talking to that was so important, and my most dreaded thought, what if she decided we couldn’t even be friends? I groaned and slammed my head against the table again, letting it lie there for awhile.

You have got yourself into quite a mess there, Cullen, I groaned inwardly at myself.  Stupid idiot for falling for someone like Bella. Wait, did I just say ‘falling for’?  Shit, I am an idiot.

“Edward?”, Bella called and I felt her hand on my shoulder. I lifted my head off the table and looked up to see Bella looking at me, worried. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” I choked out, clearing my throat to make me sound more believable. “Really.” Bella didn’t look at all convinced but she sat back down in front of me anyway.

“Are you sure you’re not sick? You look sick.” I really didn’t know where all this concern was coming from, hadn’t she just been telling me we shouldn’t be friends?

“I’m fine.” I assured her, and I was about to ask what she was going to say before, but she spoke first.

“I was thinking about what you said while I was outside, and I want to try, us being friends I mean.” She was so wary, like a scared little girl. I was relieved though, she wanted to try, and she was willing to do it despite her fears. It wasn’t completely ideal, but I would take it.

“That’s good,” I said, trying not to sound too eager. “ I like being your friend. I mean, who else feeds me delicious brownies and calls me beautiful all in the same day?”

“Hmm,” Bella pondered before breaking into a huge grin. “Maybe your mom?” The surprise must have been clear on my face because Bella started laughing.

“Did you just seriously do a ‘your mom’ joke?”

“What, surprise you again, Cullen?” Bella smiled widely, and I couldn’t help but join her.

“Always do, Swan.”

**~**~**

“I don’t believe that there aren’t women throwing themselves at you.”

“I didn’t say that.” It was a slow Monday morning, and Bella was hanging out in the romance section with me, while I was making room for a new series novels that had just come in. This one was about a globetrotting pirate named Jack Bird, and he got it on with a series of attractive wenches, and once and a while, a Lady or two. I haven’t read that shit, it’s how its described in the back.
Okay, I might have read the first couple chapters, but it was only because the woman on the front that was this close exposing her left nipple, and she had long brown hair, like Bella,  which ended up making me hard again, which was  totally inappropriate since she was my friend/boss.

It had been a few weeks since I first started working at Books and Things. I had gotten into the swing of things at the store pretty quickly, and I had thought that once we had settled into this friend thing we were doing, being with Bella would become easier.

It didn’t. I was still incredibly attracted to her, and I was now having reoccurring dreams that involved fucking her in a variety of ways. Last night’s version had me taking her from behind as she gripped the bookshelves in her hands, books falling around us as I thrust into her. I had to tend to myself to for a while before I could even think about going to work, and even now I was very much wavering in my control.

On top of that problem, Bella and I were becoming extremely close, and even though we didn’t always work on the same days anymore, I would still talk to her everyday. Our nightly phone calls continued, and they now spanned into hours. We talked about almost everything, sometimes just even watching an episode of The Simpsons together over the phone; we were just sometimes just content in hearing each others laughter.

I learned a lot about Bella, such as that her favorite gem stone was topaz and that she loved the scents of strawberry and vanilla. She told me about some of the friends she had in the city, and I told her about Seth and Garrett. I remember cringing when she suggested we all hang out one day; Seth and Garrett were my oldest and closest friends, but they could be pretty obnoxious sometimes and I doubted Bella could actually have a good time around them.

I also learned some clues to why Bella considered herself fucked up. At first it I was intrigued, but now what I was noticing seemed darker than I anticipated. Bella never talked about her past, and when I asked, she would draw into herself and mutter short answers. I never got more than that she was born in Phoenix and lived there until mother died, and that’s when she moved to Forks. I had actually googled the name after she told me, because I couldn’t believe that there was actually a place named after a utensil.  I found that there was in fact a town in Washington that was named Forks, and that it rained there more than anywhere else in the continental U.S.  She told me that she didn’t mind it, she said the constant greenery and heavy clouds were comforting. To me it sounded depressing.

She never talked about her parents. No anecdotes, no fond memories, or even bad ones for that matter. When I asked about her dad, she would just curtly reply that she only remembered him leaving, and not much else. Information about her mother would be even less helpful, and I could hear the panic in her voice when I brought it up, so I stopped asking about them altogether. Her pain was not worth it, even though it was almost killing me with all the mysteries surrounding Bella.

So all in all, I was pretty fucked. I was attracted Bella, and attached to her emotionally. I wanted Bella but I couldn’t have her, not in the way I wanted anyways. Trying to act like I didn’t feel any of this was getting increasingly hard to hide, and I wondered sometimes if she could easily see right through me.

“That’s a tad cocky coming from you,” Bella mused from her spot on the floor, breaking me from my reverie, and I flushed, raking my fingers in my hair in frustration and making it more a mess than it already was.

I rubbed my hands on my face and groaned. “That didn‘t come out the way I wanted it to.” She looked as amused as I was flustered, and I almost expected her to pull out a bag of popcorn and settle down for a good show. “What I meant to say was it’s not like I have a hard time meeting women, because I don‘t.” Jesus, this was still sounding cocky, even to me. “I just don’t actively go out there looking for them, and plus, like I told you, I’m usually pretty awkward so usually after one conversation with me, they come to their senses and run.”

This was horribly self-depreciating, but I was telling the truth. I couldn’t count how many times I had been at a charity function with my parents, or even just random college parties, where some nice, pretty girl would strike up a conversation or start dancing with me, only to quickly find out that behind my looks, I was an awkward conversationalist and a spastic dancer, and they would quickly move on to someone else.

“I still don’t believe it,” she mused quietly, and I rolled my eyes at her as I turned back to put more of that ridiculous pirate book on the shelf. “Really, Edward. I agree that you can sometimes make some awkward comments, but I find that you are usually pretty charming.”

“Now I don’t believe that,” I scoffed. Me, charming? I wanted to laugh out loud.

“You don’t see yourself very clearly, do you,?“ she asked. Besides being ridiculously good looking, you are funny, smart, and you could charm the pants off of any woman if you wanted to.” I nearly fell over with laughter. Bella had obviously not seen me interacting with many people before.

“Are you quoting Zoolander?”

“I‘m serious, Cullen. It’s all true, you just need to see yourself that way.”

“I should keep you around  for confidence boosts,” I joked. “ I do wonder though if I’m doing an adequate job of charming the pants off you?” I had been doing these flirty, borderline inappropriate comments quite a bit with Bella now, and I would either get an eye roll and a sarcastic comment, or at other times I would get a blush. I lived for those times.

“I’m still wearing them, aren’t I?” Her tone was sarcastic, but when I quickly glanced behind me, there was faint pink tone to her cheeks. I turned back and smiled to myself. She would not be getting the last word in this one.

“All in good time, Swan.” I didn’t turn to look back this time, but I did hear  her tsk loudly. We were silent for a few minutes as I put more books up, wondering how Bella got away with spending so much time hanging out with me when we were at work. Maybe moving up in the company meant you could do whatever the hell you wanted.

“Speaking of women throwing themselves at you,” Bella said, breaking our silence, “Were you ever going to tell me about what happened with Irina?”  I whipped back around to face her, not knowing what the fuck she was talking about, and Bella was obviously grinning at my reaction.

“Who the hell is Irina?” I asked, a little too loud seeing as I was at work. Bella’s grin widened and then ran her hands flippantly through one of the books beside her.

“Well I guess you never really found out her name. You probably know her as ‘The Cougar’ .” Bella quirked her eyebrow at me expectantly, and I wanted to go crawl into a hole and die. She knew about that? I’m so glad that event has the ability to torture me for weeks on end.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I lied, turning back to face the bookshelf in order to hide my embarrassment.

“Oh, so some forty-something woman didn’t try to feel you up near the erotica section then?” Bella said, barely containing a laugh.

Oh God, this was not happening.

“How do you know about that?” I groaned as I stared at the bookshelf in front of me like it was the entry way to Narnia or something. “And how do you know her name?”

“We’ve had problems with her and her accosting male staff members before, and Betty told me right after I got back from my break that day. I could barely make out what she was trying say she was laughing so much.” Bella was barely containing her laughter now, and a few giggles had escaped from her lips.

“What I don’t understand is, how did you let her get that far? And please don’t tell me you have some older woman fetish, because I really don’t need to know those kind of things.”

“I don’t know. It all happened so fast, and then I didn’t know what to do. She was a customer and I didn’t want to be rude.” I shrugged, still not looking at Bella.

“So you let her basically assault you?”   Her voice was more serious now, and I didn’t hear her get up, but I suddenly her hand was on my shoulder. This was another thing that was sort of odd in our relationship, because although we had agreed on being friends, Bella continued to touch me, and touch me often. Sometimes it was just a friendly pat on the arm, or her head leaning on my shoulder, but other times she would do things that were not quite the way friends touched. Like sometimes her hand would linger on mine a little longer than needed, and a few times she had traced her hands on my face. Not that I was complaining, I loved it, and I was totally guilty of the same thing. I hugged her when she looked like she needed it, and I would often touch her as much as I could. Every time we did, I could still feel that electrical pulse move between us, and once removed, I almost felt physical pain from its loss. I turned, and Bella was looking up at me expectantly. I looked into her big brown eyes and got lost in them, quickly forgetting any response I was going to give her.

“Listen, Edward,” she said before lightly placing her hand on my forearm. “You can’t allow people to do that to you. And I don’t care if she was a customer, she shouldn’t treat you like that. I mean, what if a man had done the same thing to me?”

“I’d kick his ass,” I said, suddenly angry. I would hunt a man down if they ever laid a finger on her. The idea of someone doing to Bella what The Cougar had done to me was horrifying.

“Exactly. I’d get help or I would fight back. Just because you’re a guy it doesn’t mean you have to take something like that. So next time, fight back.”

“I really hope there won’t be a next time, but I promise I will.”

“Good.” Bella smiled and I swear, it was one of the sweetest smiles I had ever seen, and I sucked in a ragged breath. She was close enough to smell the scent of strawberries on her hair, and I could feel my mouth water. Bella’s eyes unfocused for a moment and she licked her lips, seeming to break the motion mid lick (Oh dear Lord, that was hot), and looked down at her watch.

“Oh look! It’s time for your break!” She held her wrist up to my face in order show me that it was in fact time for my lunch break,  “Don’t worry, I’ll finish up here,” Bella said before turning to put the rest of the books in order. I was still a bit staggered, so I just muttered an “okay”, and left to take my lunch. Bella was such a bundle of contradictions and moods, it was sometimes hard to keep up with them, and today was no exception. The only question was, could I survive them without screwing this up?

I ended up going and getting a hot dog at vendor down the street, and decided to sit outside and eat my lunch since it was a beautiful day. It was sunny and warm, but not overwhelmingly so. Seeing as it was almost the end of May, the humid heat of the summer in the city would be hitting soon, and I was glad that I at least got to work in an air-conditioned store all summer.

On that bench, my thoughts once again revolved around Bella. I was having a hard time figuring out what Bella exactly wanted from me since she would say one thing but do another. There was no doubt that she was attracted to me, I had seen enough proof of that, she liked me, and we were pretty much spending all of our time together, so why was she trying so hard to not move forward? We were practically dating already. She had told me that she was afraid of hurting me, but was that a real fear or just an excuse?

Maybe there’s someone else, and that thought fucking scared me. Could there be someone else? Bella was attractive, smart, and fun to be with, so why wouldn’t there be someone? But then, wouldn’t she have mentioned something like that by now? If there was someone, I wanted to bash his face in.

Oh God, I’m jealous and willing to beat up a guy that may or may not even exist. Bella might be the one saying she’s fucked up, but I’m pretty sure that’s not too far off the mark for me as well.

This was all foreign to me, I had never felt this way about a woman, and I was not used to have all theses intense feelings. On top of that, it was epically frustrating having these feelings not knowing if Bella would ever feel the same way.

I had never ever been so completely entranced by woman before in my life. Even with Tanya, who I considered the love of my life even after she stomped on my heart I had cared for Tanya immensely, and since we were together for so long, loving her seemed like the natural thing to do.

We were so young when we got together, and we only started dating after I felt her up at our school dance, and we just sort of fell into being boyfriend and  girlfriend. She was pretty, smart, and completely appropriate. But I never really wanted to know her, she had never made want to unravel her secrets, never mystified and entranced me, and never in our entire four year relationship, had made me feel as comfortable as Bella had in the last few weeks. 

The logical part of my brain told me this could become very complicated, that falling for someone this fast was already heading for disaster, creating the great likelihood that I could get my heart crushed, again. The question was, did I want to risk it?

Barely contemplating that for minute , I knew my answer.
 
Of course I did. Falling for Bella could either be the best decision of my life, or the worst. It could bring me undeniable joy, or bring me pain worse than anything I have ever felt before. But the mere chance that it could be wonderful was enough for me to want to try. My heart be damned.

**~**~**

After I had finished lunch, I felt a little more at ease, having made a decision about what I wanted to do, or I guess, let me feel the way I wanted to feel and not fight it. All I had to do now was try, and hope that everything would work out in the end. It didn’t end all my troubled thoughts, but helped alleviate it some.

I was walking back to my section when I heard someone yelling from over in the history section. It was a man’s voice, and he seemed pretty irate. I wandered over to where the sound was coming from, and was about to pick up one of the in store phones to call for someone, but I distinctly heard Bella’s voice trying to diffuse the situation, though from the sounds of it, she wasn’t having much luck.

“You are the largest store in the area! What the hell do you mean you don’t have it?” the man yelled, and instead of picking the phone up and calling security, I began to move quickly to where I would find them.

“I’m sorry Sir, we just don’t have it in stock right now. It’s a limited edi-”

“I don’t care if it’s a God damn limited edition, your store promises to have any book any one could possibly need! And YOU don’t have this one?” He was continuing to sound more and more angry, and I really wanted to know why he was getting so worked up over some book.

“Again, I apologize for the inconvenience, but we don’t currently have the book in stock. We can order it though, and have the book here in a couple of weeks,” Bella replied politely, although I could hear in her voice that she wasn’t going to let him walk all over her. Good girl, stand up for yourself.

I found them just as the man was getting right into her face, snarling and pointing his finger at her. “I don’t want to order it in you little bitch! You’re supposed to fucking have it in!” In that moment, I saw Bella’s face go white, and she immediately began to cower, bringing her hands up as if she was trying to protect herself from impending blows. She looked terrified. I don’t know what came over me, but I felt the overwhelming need to protect her, and running faster than I had ever run in my life, I pushed myself in between Bella and the man, acting as a sort of shield for her.

“What’s going on here?” I said, thick with anger. The man was surprised by my sudden appearance, but he still seemed irate.

“I was looking for this book, and this little bitch told me it wasn’t in.” I could smell alcohol on his breath now that I was close, and I wanted slug him in the mouth for calling Bella a name like that. He obviously didn’t know how to treat women properly.

“Well, when we say it isn’t in, it isn’t in. We’re not hiding it in the back somewhere just to fuck with you.” I was fuming, and I realized in the back of my mind that I was now also yelling, but I didn’t care. He needed to be taught a lesson. “Furthermore, you do not speak to her like that, or speak to any woman like that for that matter. She was trying to help you dickwad, treat her with some respect. Or maybe you’re drunk ass is too stupid to fucking care what you say to her.” I could feel my muscles tensing in my arms, and I was ready to punch this guy in the jaw at any moment. “ You better leave now, before I do something I’ll regret.”

“Why you little shi-” He began to get into my face, and that pushed me over the edge. Adrenaline coursed through my veins as I grabbed the man by his collar, and pulled him to me. He was much older than I was, but I was at least several inches taller, so I towered over him.

“Leave.  Now.” I snarled, and I could feel the fire in both my eyes and my voice as I said it. The man took me seriously now, and nodded in what looked like fear. I let go of him, almost flinging him away from me, and he left without a word. The adrenaline was still coursing through my body, and I felt like I was on a strange high. I didn’t know I was capable of acting like that, and no one had ever been physically scared of me, at least that I knew of. The need to protect Bella had completely taken over.

Once I made sure the man was far away from us, and I turned to look at Bella. What I found when I did frightened me to my very core.

She was now sitting against the wall behind her, her knees to her chest, and she was rocking back and forth. Her eyes were squeezed shut and her hands were over her ears. I walked towards her slowly, like she was a frightened deer about to bolt, and as I got closer I noticed that she was shaking and muttering to herself.

“Stop, please. no no no no no no no…”

“Bella? Are you okay?” I asked softly, but she didn’t seem to hear me.  If anything, her muttering started going quicker and her body seemed to vibrate harder. It was fucking terrifying to watch her breakdown.

“Shh, Bella. It’s just me, Edward. Can you hear me?”

“Please make it stop,” Bella said, and her voice sounded so far away, I wasn’t sure if she was responding to me or whatever had her trapped in her head. I reached my hand out to touch her knee, but she flinched.

“I promise I’ll make it stop, okay?” I said calmly, even though I had no idea at all how to do that. Bella’s shuddering  lessened a fraction, so I tried to touch her once again, moving to my knees so I was eye level with her, tentatively placing my hand on her knee. She flinched initially at the contact, but then she seemed calm down a little bit more. Still leaving one of my hands on her knee, I used the other to pry her hands off ears. Her arms and hands were stiff, but I managed to remove them without hurting her.

“Bella, honey? You need to tell me how to help you,” I tried, hoping that now that her hands gone from her ears she could hear me. I raised my hand that was at her knee and moved it to her cheek, rubbing circles with my thumb. It had seemed to work last time when she was upset at the coffee shop, and I hoped it wouldn’t hurt now.

“Edward?” she asked.

“Yes, hun. It’s me.” I didn’t know where ‘hun’ and ‘honey’ were coming from, but it seemed to fit for right now. Bella slowly opened her eyes, looking like she was afraid about what she would see there.

“Edward.” Her face relaxed, but now that I could see her eyes, I could see that they were blank, and the shadows under her eyes seemed even more pronounced.

“Bella, please. You need to tell me what do. Tell me how to help.”

“Keep me here with you,” she answered, her voice still so scared.

“I’m here,” I replied, but Bella started shuddering harder again, so I grabbed her gently by the arms and pulled her into my lap, so that she was cradled against my chest. I rocked both of us back and forth, holding her tight to me, trying to protect her from whatever was haunting her now. I needed to keep her safe and keep myself from losing it and going after that asshole who started all this. I had never felt so much anger and rage in my life.

Bella was crying quietly into my shirt, and I could feel her tears coming through it. She was mumbling almost incoherently, muffled partly by my chest, but I was able to pick up some of it. She kept telling me to stay, and crying my name. I told her that it was going to be alright, that I was there, and that she was safe now. I rocked her for a few minutes, and she seemed to calm down a bit. After a while, my back began to hurt from the awkward position I was in, so I pulled Bella closer and turned slowly so that I could lean against the wall. I pressed my lips to her head and breathed her in, smelling strawberries again. I kept my arms around her, tucked her under my chin, and we sat still for an immeasurable amount of time until Bella began to still, and the only sounds that could be heard were her quiet sobs.

I don’t know how long we sat there, but it seemed like hours. I knew I should have called somebody, but she seemed so fragile that I feared if I moved her now, even just to call for help, she would break. So I just sat there, holding her. 

“What the…?” I heard someone call out, and I looked up to find Betty standing in front of us. What is it with all the people who worked here? Did they take special classes on how to quietly sneak up on people?

Betty looked at me, and then to Bella’s huddled form, and then back to me.

“Edward, what the hell happened? Is she alright?” She seemed genuinely concerned, and I was briefly glad that Bella had other people who cared for her, even if she didn’t think so.

“I don’t know. I mean, I think she is now. Some jerk was yelling at her about not having some book in stock, and she was fine until he got in her face, and that’s when she just broke.” I said, and I shuddered from the memory, seeing clearly how pale she turned and how the light left her eyes.

“Did he hurt her?” Bella flinched a little, and I squeezed her tighter.

“No, I stopped him before he could do anything. Made him leave the store.”

“How did you stop him?” I imagined Betty was worrying about whether she had to worry about a lawsuit.

“Scared him, I guess,” I shrugged, and Betty’s eyes widened in disbelief. I didn’t know whether I should be offended by that or not.

“Should we get her to a hospital?” Betty asked, and Bella’s eyes bolted open with fear.

“No! No hospitals!”

“But Bella honey, maybe you should-” I pleaded before she interrupted me again.

“No hospitals!” she yelped before burying her face back into my chest.

“Well we need to get her out of here regardless. Let’s take her to the breakroom and then we’ll figure out something from there.” I nodded and moved to get up, pulling my arms under Bella’s legs and back to support her as I carried her, Betty hovering over me until I was standing upright. Once I was standing, I noticed how light Bella actually was, and I was again struck about how fragile she was.

Betty walked in front of me as we walked to the breakroom, I guess to make sure that there weren’t any impressionable customers that we could frighten.  Once we got there, I sat down on sofa and continued to hold Bella close to me. She was quiet, and I didn’t know if she was asleep or just out of it.

“Maybe we should call someone, family maybe?” Betty suggested. I was surprised that Betty didn’t know that Bella didn’t have family to call, they had been working for at least a couple of years with each other.

I shook my head. “She has no family, not any I know of anyways. She mentioned a few times that she had a friend called Rosalie. She may know what to do.” Betty nodded and I shifted Bella so Betty could remove her phone from her pocket. Bella didn’t stir when I did that, and that worried me.

Betty called Rosalie, and I placed another kiss on top of Bella’s head while her back was turned. They had a short conversation in which I barely paid attention to, and when she was done, she told me that Rosalie would be here soon to pick Bella up and take her home. I nodded my head, and all three of us sat in silence until there was knock at the door. Betty went to open it, and standing in the door was a very blonde, and very pretty woman. She was tall and lithe, and she held her self with an regal air.

If I was ever intimidated by a woman before, they didn’t hold a candle to Rosalie. Her brilliant blue eyes flicked to me, then to Bella in my arms, and she looked furious.

“What the hell did you do to her?” she fumed as she moved take Bella from me. I wasn’t having that, and kept her tight to my chest.

“I didn’t do anything. Some asshole was yelling at her and she just broke down. I was able to get the guy away from her, but she was already to upset, and now I don’t know what’s wrong,” I said, looking down at Bella. I was still worried about her, she was just so still. Her even breathing was the only comfort that she was okay, physically at least.

“And who are you? Rose asked.  She was still angry, but not as much as when she thought I did something to make Bella like this.

“I’m Edward, Bella’s, er, friend.” I looked at Rose and her faced softened.

“So you’re Edward Cullen. Bella talks a lot about you. I‘m Rosalie Hale,” she said with a small smile.

“I would shake your hand, but well,” I looked pointedly to Bella, and Rose moved closer so she could sit on the coffee table in front of us.

“Does this happen often?” I asked,  still looking at Bella.

“Not often, but it does happen. Maybe a few times a year? I don’t really know. She has these triggers that just cause her to fold into herself.” Rosalie sighed before patting Bella’s head; it was a very mother-like gesture. “I don’t know what causes them, she never talks about it.”

“Is she alright?” I asked, my voice filled with worry.

“She will be. I just need to get her home now and into bed.”

“Okay,” I was relieved that Rosalie seemed to think that Bella would be okay, but I didn’t want to leave her. It was actually causing me anxiety just thinking of letting her go. I knew that I couldn’t just sit with her all day like this, so I obliged and took Bella to Rosalie’s car. Bella didn’t want to let go of me as we were to trying to put her in, and I had to pry her fingers off my shirt. She whimpered as I placed her in the passenger seat, and my heart stung. I had to let her go then, and it killed me to do it, but would could I do? I had no clue how to help Bella.

Rosalie promised to call me later to tell me how Bella was, and she let me know that she would be staying with her until she was better. I felt a little better knowing that Bella wouldn’t be alone, but a big part of me wished it was me who was taking care of her.

I spent the rest of my shift in a haze, not really paying attention to anything. I was so worried and in my own head that a customer had to repeat a question three times before I understood what they were asking for. The shift seemed to drag on, until finally I was able to leave. I checked my phone as I was leaving, but there was still no messages from Rosalie or Bella.

I was not happy.

Once I was home, I took a shower to try and take my mind off what happened, but I kept seeing Bella’s frightened face in my mind. I quickly gave up on that and laid down on my couch to wait for the call from Rosalie that would let me know Bella was alright. She had to be alright.

I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up, it was dark in my apartment and the only light was coming from the screen of my iphone. I picked it up groggily and saw that I had one new voicemail. Crap! I missed her phone call!

“Hi Edward, it’s Rosalie Hale. I’m just calling to let you know that Bella’s okay. She’s up now, so that’s a good sign. She can’t call you herself right now, but she wanted to let you know that she won’t be at work for a few days, so don’t get her anything. I didn’t really get that part, but maybe you do? Anyways, she said she’ll call you sometime later, when she can.” There was a long pause and I thought that was the end of the message, but then I heard Rosalie talk again.  “It was a bad one this time, I can tell. But I’m glad you were there Edward. It could have been so much worse if you weren’t. So I guess thank you, and call me if you need to, okay? Thanks again. Bye.” The message ended and I was left staring at my phone. What did she mean that it could have been worse? What I had witnessed today was horrible, and it could be worse? My stomach retched, finally grasping what Bella had been saying all along. She was being tormented by something, and it was effecting her more then I ever could have imagined before.

What was worse was that there was nothing I could do. It had killed me to see her like that, so helpless, so fragile. How was I supposed to protect her when what she was afraid of was in her own head?

I stared at the ceiling for a long time before falling into a restless sleep. I hoped Bella would have called me in the morning, but there was nothing. I went to work halfheartedly, knowing that Bella wouldn’t be there.

Bella didn’t call that evening. Or the next day. I didn’t see Bella, or even hear from her for almost a week. And when I did see her, I didn’t like what I saw.